A Day of Surprises

Martin got a surprise at work today, the supervisor actually jumped on someone else in front of everyone. Too bad for the supervisor, the employee immediatly called the union to protest. We'll see what happens. For years, Martin has had to endure a hostile workplace, for some reason, the supervisor has mad no secret that he doesn't like Martin. That has to be so hard, especially when you love your job as much as Martin does. He has always been so strong about it, but on occasion, I have seen the look of dispair on his face when he has to go and listen to the baloney. Fortunatly, the supervisor leaves soon after Martin arrives to teach night classes, and Martin doesn't have to put up with it.

I got a surprise today too! Someone sent me a lovely porcelain plate, about 5 inches across, with a little pioneer girl on it. The inscription says, "Grandmothers make the world a lovely place". I have no idea who may have sent it, but I love it, and will cherish it. I am going to get a plate-hanging rack and put it up in the foyer. I want everyone to see it. How nice of someone, especially at this time, when we are continuing to face our several trials. To whomever sent my lovely plate, thank you. You cannot imagine how much this means to me to know that I am being thought of.

Another day has come and gone, and I have been able to be positive. I feel the crushing weight of fear and dispair trying to break through, but I simply won't allow it to happen. It has become a physical effort to squash those feelings, but I can because I know they do not come from my Heavenly Father. Since Martin got his notice to terminate him from his job, I have had a background headache, (the kind of headache that just lingers in the back of your conciousness) and a recurring stomach ache. Today, Martin went and got some red beans and rice for me from Popeyes, and I felt so much better after I had eaten. Sometimes I forget to eat, nothing seems enticing to me, well, a huge fudgy brownie with nuts on top maybe, but real food? I can't seem to make the effort. I never thought the day would come when that would be a problem for me, but it has. I know it is a manifistation of my concern, and again, I am trying to ignore the negative feelings that could bring me down. A dear friend of mine told me Sunday that she didn't know how I can always be so cheerful, and I told her that Church only lasts 3 hours, but the rest of the time can be a challenge for me.

Having the children is the most help. Yes, they are little buggars, but they also make me feel like I am contributing. I make a concious effort to always smile and laugh for them, and that is very helpful. After all, if you act like it long enough, it will come naturally. Little Joe got his 6 month shots yesterday, and today he was crabby. He wanted to be held, and I can't blame him, and I used that for an excuse to let the housework slip for the day. He is only 6 months old, but he can sure play me and PaPa. He has also begun to "commando crawl". It is hard to realize that he will soon be scooting everywhere. I guess this means that I will have to child-proof the house, and that means securing the reachable cookie jars!That's okay, after all, it took me a long time to become a Nana.

To close, I should say that even though Martin has been given termination notice, we don't know when it will happen. Our attorney is taking them on, so who knows? It is just hard to have to think about it each day, but in the meantime, I am continuing to prepare for the future. Amelia, who is Joe's mother, brought me a huge container of cut-up fresh pineapple. It probably weighed about 10 lbs, and while I love fresh pineapple, even I have my limits. So, today when I could, in between Little Joe napping, I canned the pineapple. Now I have another 8 pints of pineapple for my food storage. Heavenly Father continues to bless us beyond our imagination- as my son once told me, "It won't turn out like you think, it will be better!" Well, so far the blessings have been "better" than I thought they could be. For now, writing is my greatest outlet. I can look at my feelings and deal with them, and one day, my family in the future will know all about their PaPa, Nana, and their life through a life-changing time.

More Fun than Monster!

Martin is such a good PaPa. He tosses, chunks, chases, roars at and in general, plays the best monster PaPa ever. The little grandkids come over with hope shining in their eyes that PaPa will be up to "scaring" them. They drop little hints like sitting on the top of his recliner when he is watching TV and "accidently" falling on him. Sometimes they tickle his toes, toss something on him, or stand in front of the TV. Of course he becomes the "monster" of their dreams when this works. PaPa is really good at playing possum. That is his way of saying that he doesn't want to play monster, and he can really wait those kids out. More often though, the Possum roars to life, scaring the dickens out of the kids. You wouldn't believe it, but Little Joe has figured him out too. PaPa can't resist those little squeals of indignation when Little Joe is doing his best to get PaPa's attention. It only takes a few seconds and Little Joe will find himself comfortable seated in PaPa's lap. This morning, PaPa was bouncing Little Joe on the bed, and Little Joe was squealing in joy. He got upset when PaPa wanted to stop, but I reminded PaPa that he started it. This has been the story around here since the first child of ours came into the world. With Jessica, I would be scared to death as he would toss her up in the air and catch her, but thankfully he never dropped her. His big strong arms have been the "boxing arena" for many bouts, with more than one child clamoring to get in on the action. Many times he has been dog piled with all of them on him at once, but I swear, he loves it.

On the other end, there are the dogs. They are huge, both around a hundred pounds or more, and very gentle with the little ones... Many times a baby has crawled over, around and under one of these German Shepherds, and they have just layed there, allowing it. Yesterday, one of my smaller grandchildren was spending the night, and sure enough, sneaked up on the back of PaPa's recliner, waiting to pounce on the "Monster". She did pounce on him, and he roared and grabbed her and tossed he onto the bed, right behind the recliner. She landed right on top of Rocky, the older Shepherd, and he just grunted. She scrambled off of Rocky, and patted the top of his head. He just lay there. Once again, she attacked the "monster" and once again, the monster tossed her back on the bed, right on top of Rocky. Since Papa was tossing over the back of the recliner, he could not see Rocky lying there. Rocky just lay there and let her land on him. This went on for a few minutes, and I thought that Rocky would get enough of it, but no, he let my granddaughter just fall all over him, not minding at all. These are wonderful dogs, so patient with the children, but very protective of the family. When Little Joe starts fussing, one of the dogs will come and get me. They lay by his playpen and watch him through the mesh. He grabs their ears when he can, and the let him. On occasion, Little Joe is the recipient of a wet doggy kiss, but he loves that too. I am looking forward to the time when he will toddle around behind the dogs, and I know they are too.

Between PaPa and the dogs, this home is kiddie paradise. So much to do, to hide, to run, to play. The dogs love the action, and love when the kids throw balls and things for them. It is a different story when a stranger comes around, because the dogs will do anything to protect their family.

One day, a UPS carrier came close to the door with a package. The dogs began to bark furiously, and the poor man had no idea that they could not get out, so he threw the package at the front door and ran all the way down the walk. At night, Rocky sleeps at the head of the hall leading to the bedrooms, and Jackie sleeps on the floor on my side of the bed. They are guarding their family. It is funny how they recognize children and missionaries. For some reason, they always know when the missionaries are at the door and welcome them in.

While the dogs and PaPa have all the fun, I am pretty much only good for snacks, laundry, meals and patience. I have a saying, "no one gets in trouble at Nana's house". This means that if the culprit is honest we can talk about the infraction. I do have a wooden spoon named Big Mama, but she hasn't seen action in a very long time. I guess just knowing she is available is enough. I wish I had been as patient with my own children as I am with my grandchildren. Maybe that is one of the perks of getting older, being more patient.

I am writing of these things tonight, because today I went with Becky to get Little Joe's 6 month shots. When I got home, one of my nephews who is older was watching the other three that come after school. As I settled in to look at the mail, I glanced around the kitchen. 3 bags of popcorn had been popped, the cupcaked had been raided, backpacks were strewn all over, the dogs were gratefully cleaning up cupcake crumbs and the kids were no where to be found. I walked back to my bedroom where we have a 60" tv on the wall, and two giant recliners at the foot of the bed. There they were, a whole nest of kids with popcorn in thier mouths, (which by the way had cupcake frosting on them) popcorn in the chairs, on the floor and even by the door. Soda's had been opened and thankfully were still in the can. On the dresser, two packages of Reese's peanut butter cups were opened, and the candy was long gone. As I walked into the room, the children absently said, "Hi Nana" and went on watching, munching and messing as though I wasn't even there. I should have snatched them up, given them a speech about being little pigs, and made them straighten up the room. I didn't though. I played the Nana card. PaPa and the dogs may be the fun ones in the house, but I am the Nana. I may not be the "monster", but I can be the Nana that patiently explains why they shouldn't be eating so much popcorn and soda especially after snitching cupcakes. After all, what does it hurt? My motto is, "sugar 'em up and ship 'em home!" That is way more fun than "monster!"

Church family

When I had my first two children, I realized that I wanted a large family. Seeing the larger numbers of children in many church families, I decided that I would like to have 10 kids. I could just imagine how it would be with all 10 of my children and Martin and I sitting together in church, a perfect family with perfectly behaved children. I would bask in the admiration as people wondered how I was such a wonderful mother and wife, how my kids were squeaky clean and perfectly dressed in the clothes that I lovingly handmade for them. We would fill up an entire church pew, my husband, 10 kids and me.

Yeah, whatever! As it was, I had 5 kids within 7 3/4 years. 3 are living, and two of them live close by with their families. One lives far away with his family. When they were little, it was more than enough that I had 5. First of all, Martin and I could not sit together in church, as we had to police the kids. He sat on one end and I sat on the other. I became an expert at nursing somebody without having to leave, as for most of the time I had a baby to feed. Just throw the blanket over your shoulder and go to it. Good thing we both have long arms, because we were able to reach all of them, even those in the middle if they misbehaved. Which, of course, was all the time. They were as clean as I could get them. I did manage to bathe them everyday, but that didn't keep them out of mud, water, food on their faces and down their clothes etc. Socks didn't match, buttons were missing sometimes, and zippers were down on occasion. I did make some of their clothes, but the Goodwill and I had quite a relationship. I had to check pockets before they entered church, inevitably there would be Hot Wheels, whistles, gum, rubber bands, little Strawberry shortcake dolls, half-opened cookies and the occasional "show and tell" item that they were smuggling in to impress their friends. I had to make sure that the toddlers had remembered to wear underwear, the others had on undershirts or slips, or that they had on matching shoes. Please don't forget the diaper bag! Sometimes I just wanted to do it all myself the night before and put them to bed fully dressed for church. Good idea, but then breakfast would have ruined my efforts.

Well behaved? Please. Martin was the worst of all of them. Each week, he would pick on someone, get them going, and I would have to shush them. He would make paper airplanes out of the program, and one time Little Otto tossed one and it flew behind to hit old sister Reed in the eye! Martin would think of any excuse to get up and go out, so sometimes he would do something to make a child squeal so that he could take them out. He and the boys had silent farting contests. The boys had not-so-silent farting contests as well. The poor girls were mortified, and most of the time I was just frazzled. Bringing coloring books and crayons helped, but by the time the service was over, I found myself crawling under the bench picking up scraps of colored paper that once graced a crayon. When the children were in a church program, there would be the nose-picking, "don't scratch there" scratching and unending wiggling. In addition, there was the hand waving, to make sure I could see them, and knowing my kids, I could see them well, as I sat on the front row! I became an expert at seating them. I knew that Jessica would be really good to the little ones, but would elbow Bobbie Jo and aggravate her. The boys could not sit together, in addition to farting, they would burp and make "vrooom" sounds with their imaginary cars. Becky could sit anywhere, as she was afraid to get in trouble. Then, there was Martin, doing "paper, scissors, rock" with whomever he was seated next to. Well behaved? Pretty typical I guess.

The reason I write about this tonight, is that today, the whole church pew was filled with my family. Me, two daughters, two sons-in-law, 3 grandsons and a granddaughter. Martin had to take Jaybird to practice. They had their toys, cell phones, food and drink. There was crunching, munching and slurping, and that was just the adults! (just kidding), but the kids did have their comfort items. They are necessary so that we can actually sit through a service, or otherwise I would be out in the hall and miss everything. On his cell phone, Robbie showed me the 8 pigs he killed on his hunting trip. Becky was on the other end of the pew, and so with sign language, we discussed the Sunday meal. Jessica hogged Little Joe but he was passed back and forth amonst all of us, squealing with each new family member. I sat on the end, and thanked God for all of them.

Yes, I finally have enough family to fill a church pew, and when all of us are together, Aunt Chery's family included, we fill up THREE church pews. I guess if I had had 10 kids, we would have hogged up the whole chapel. Wouldn't that have been nice?

Little Devil

Here he is! I couldn't figure out how to post him in the other post tonight, so he has one of his own!

A Treasure Trove

The most wonderful thing has happened! I found something that has been missing for more years than I can recall, and it is so precious to me. When Martin joined the army during the Vietnam war, (yes, he's old enough, can you believe it?) he found a little plastic red devil statue in his locker, and the statue had been left behind from the guy that had it before. It is about 5 inches tall, has a little pointed tail, little red horns and a cute expression. It is standing on a small platform and on the platform it says, "I love you when you're wicked!" He brought this little devil to me the first time we got to visit after he started basic training, and that was right after we married. I thought the little devil was lost after, well, maybe the house fire, the flood, the move, who knows. But tonight, Martin, David, Shane, Tyler and Natalie came to help clean out the attic. I needed my pressure canner, and Martin swore it was up there, but I know better. But, they all worked like maniacal squirrels and cleaned out box after box of stuff. Some of those boxes were put up there when we moved in 17 years ago, and before that they were packed with stuff from when the kids were little, and never unpacked. Christmas decorations, pictures, books, so many things that I haven't seen in years. It was like finding buried treasure! I am so happy to have my little statue back, and now, I will take extra good care of it. I have had it for almost 40 years!

I did home-can the beef today. Many memories came back to me too, when I was doing this. When the kids were little, if I got a super deal on meat, I would bring it home and can it. You have to remember, that all this happened in the 70's when the "Earth Mother" movement was in swing. Everyone wanted to move to the wilderness and live off the land, give birth at home and make everything from scratch. I couldn't move to the wilderness, but we did have animals, grew our vegetables, made butter, sausage and cheese, milked the cow and so much more. It wasn't anything special for me to home-can our meat, fruit and vegetables, and my kids thought nothing of it. One memory we have is when I canned peaches, and in order to peel them easier, I would boil them for 10 seconds and then run across the kitchen with the hot peaches in a bowl and dash them in ice water. The skin would just peel right off. (works great with tomatoes too!)To this day, if you say, "hot peaches!" my kids know that I am peeling peaches. I am not sure why I am so inspired to home-can meat at this time, but when these thoughts come to me so strongly, I just go ahead and do it.

To get back to my story, last night I asked Martin again for maybe the 10th time if he knew where my pressure canner was. All week he has told me it is in the attic, maybe the shed, maybe the garage, just be patient and he will get to it. I knew that I could get another one at Walmart, and brought it up to him, and he indignantly told me that I had no faith in him, and he would find my canner! Well, I bought the beef on Thursday, and the out-date was January 29th, so I was running out of time. This morning, Becky called and asked if I wanted to go to Walmart! Oh yes indeedie, I sure did! Naughty thing that I am, I went straight to housewares, and bought a brand new pressure, that was on sale by the way. Gearing up for the confrontation when I got home, I began to run a few scenarios through my mind. C'mon, I am 57 years old, I guess I can have a say over getting something I really need! Martin doesn't have a problem with it, you should see the tools and stuff in the garage. Do I carp when he gets new stuff? Well, maybe, but not really, except sometimes, it depends. Becky and I got home, and I left the canner in the car to judge his mood. After all, I don't want to "upset" him- but, he met me at the door. He said, "I have looked everywhere, and David and his family have pulled everything out of the attic, and Jaybird and I have looked all over the garage and in the shed, and well honey, I didn't see a canner anywhere and I'll take you to Walmart to get a new canner. I'm sorry I made you wait so long". Really? Well, that sure made it easy! I hugged him and told him I was "worried about having him go all the way to Walmart just in case he couldn't find the canner, and so I went ahead and got the one on sale, and here is the receipt just in case he found mine." I told him how much I appreciated all his efforts to make me happy, and went right ahead and just started cutting up beef, washing mason jars and so forth! As I used to say when I was little, "TEE HEE!" So, the meat is bottled. I am in the mood to do some more, so, I am going to do the small turkey that is in the freezer. Reminds me of the time that Martin had to take a dish to work, and I used some home-canned turkey and made turkey and dressing. Everyone loved it, and then he went and told them the turkey they were eating was over 2 years old. You can imagine their reaction. It wasn't that old, I had just canned it about 8 months before.

It was a good day. Oh, I am going to embroider a sign that says, "We got free batteries!". I want to commorate the blessing that occurred on a day that could have been momentous in grief. Instead, I got free batteries, and that let's me know that you never know when Heavely Father is going to surprise you. Like I said, a treasure trove!

Yep, the certified letter was a notice of termination, and we have 7 days to rebutt. I told our attorney, and as usual, he is on it. Well, finding this out really played havoc with my already stressed out stomach, and once again, I felt ill. I tried to talk myself out of feeling like that, I know that this is one door we have to walk through to get to our new life, a better life, a life where Martin can improve his health and relax somewhat. Jessica took us out to lunch, and I choked on my food- really choked, you know head-turning, Heimlic-considering, wouldja look at that kind of choking. This happens to me on occasion but most especially when I am stressed and not paying attention to swallowing. You would think that I wouldn't have to actually pay attention when I swallow, but I do as my throat is partially paralized. So, lunch was pretty much a bust, and to add to the "wonderful" day, when Martin went to start the truck this morning, BOTH batteries were dead. He tried to charge them, but they were really and truly pooped out. Fine, now we have to go and get two batteries for a diesel pickup, and they cost 90.00 each.

After lunch, we went to Walmart with the dead batteries. I told him to go on in and get the new ones, I just wanted to close my eyes and pray. I love to do this when I am all alone in the car, but once in awhile, people have tapped on the window to make sure I am okay. I didn't care if anyone tapped today, I just wanted some alone time. While I was praying, I remembered that I needed some canning jar lids to use to can the beef I had purchased yesterday. Fine, I got out of the car, went and found Martin, gave him the keys and went to housewares. I found the only two boxes of lids left, and considered the fact that I was lucky to get them. Canning equipment is scarce in the wintertime, but you can find it if you want to pay a premium price. I took the lids back to automotive,and gave them to Martin to pay for. He handed me a receipt and a 5 dollar bill and whispered, "honey, tip the guy". Uh, okay. I discreetly handed the young man the money, and thought no more about it. What I was thinking about was the dent that 220.00 just put in my bank account, but we had to have the batteries, and so that was that. When I walked out to the car with Martin, I asked him which account he had taken the money from or did he charge it. "What money?" he asked. I felt a flash of impatience and said, "the money for the batteries!" Martin grinned really big, and told me that the batteries were due to go out of warranty on the first of February, but since it was still January, they were covered, and they were FREE! In four more days, we would have had to pay for them, but today, they were FREE!

Well, you don't have to hit me with a brick! What a fabulous way for Heavenly Father to once again remind me that he has our back. What a blessing! The day instantly got better, and my mood improved exponentially. Of all days for a blessing like this, the very day that we got final notice that Martin will lose his job- I think Heavenly Father has a great sense of humor, which I appreciate, but more likely he saved the batteries going dead for a day when we really needed to know that he will take care of us. So, tonight I write with a humble heart. I will remind myself in the coming days and weeks that no matter what things may look like, we will be taken care of. Too bad that is a lesson that I am so easy to forget!

Ooops!

The ax is going to fall. The post office put a certified letter notice in my mailbox, without even trying to ring the bell to see if I was home. The letter is from the college where Martin works, and I think it is the notice of termination. Now, we have to wait until tomorrow to find out what it says, and that is something to add fuel to the fire. I mean really, why not ring the bell?

Well, as I have been saying, I am calm and I know that no matter what, Heavenly Father will see to our needs. Yesterday, I got a rewards card for the amount of 87.00 from my light company. Today, I took it to Walmart and price matched some more items for my food storage. I got chuck roast, (which believe it or not, I am going to home can in mason jars) lots of pasta, and other stuff. It has been many long years since I have had to live to the bear bone, but if it comes to that, at least I have my own grocery store.

The reason I say that I am going to home can the meat, is because when I was praying in Sacrament meeting, the thought strongly came to me to use my skills to can some meat for my food storage. I haven't done this since the 70's, but I have a new pressure canner and plenty of jars. Home canned meat lasts at least two years or more, and looking at canned roast beef tonight, I saw that an 8oz can costs 3.99. Chicken is much more reasonable, but beef is outrageous! So, I will just do it myself. It is really easy, just put lean cuts of beef in the mason jar, add a bit of salt and cover with water. You then pressure cook the jars for an hour and 15 minutes and let them cool.

Thinking of this makes me remember something I forgot to tell you that happened on Sunday. To begin with, earlier in the week, the sweet little girls at church baked homemade bread to pass with the Sacrament. That was a lot of work for them and I was really proud to know that those skills are being passed on to our youth. Well, while the Sacrament was being passed, I began to pray, and got quite caught up in my thoughts. I should say, I was really going at it, with my head bowed and my eyes shut. My arms were crossed and for all intents and purposes, it looked like I might have been sound asleep. I promise I wasn't, but while I was communing with Heavenly Father, I felt a tap on my shoulder that startled me. My left arm came swinging up, and totally knocked the bread tray right out of the young man who was passing, hand. Dear, sweet, yeasty whole wheat bread cubes flew all over the aisle. See, these things happen in milliseconds, but seem to take forever. In slow motion, I saw the bread fly, the look of horror on the young man's face, felt the embarrassment of tossing sacred bread all over the place, and heard the gasps of surprise from everyone who saw the incident. At first, I didn't realize what had happened, as I was coming out of my self-induced prayer mode, but then I did realize what happened, and I didn't know what to do. What I did is gasp in surprise and shame, and throw myself on my knees, scooping up bread from around the young man's feet. I heard Aunt Cheryl whisper to Martin, "lookie there, she just knocked that whole tray of bread out of his hand and down the aisle". The poor young man looked on in confusion as I was scooping up the bread, and pretty soon I had a whole handful, with more on the carpet. I started squishing the bread in my hand to make more room, and then the sweetest thing happened. A young teen-aged hand from another young man gently reached out and took the squished bread, while he picked up the other pieces from the floor. He put all the pieces together in his hand, and then into his pocket, in one swift, smooth move and then gave me a smile. I was so impressed at his quick thinking and especially his concern for my situation. The other young men continued to pass their trays of bread, and Sacrament went on. I'll never forget the kindness of that young man. I feel tearful when I think of the situation, because it could have been an incident that people remembered with derision, but instead, it was no big deal, and I was able to see the pure love of Christ in the actions of one of tomorrow's leaders.

This memory will be added to the savings of love that will sustain me in the future. The winds will howl, the storm will rage, and the ground may shake, but I am safe within the coccoon of love, from those around me and from my Heavenly Father.

Today was just absolutely horrible. It started out nicely enough, Little Joe and Eli and Jacob came as usual, ate breakfast and Eli and Jacob got on the bus. Little Joe stayed up for awhile, and then had a nap. While he was sleeping, I took advantage of the break and started cleaning the floors. The dogs were locked outside and I was a whirling dervish sweeping and mopping with the short time I had. We were under a storm watch, and I thought it would be nice to open the front door and catch the stiff breeze and freshen the house. Just as I put the mop away and was admiring my fresh smelling home, the phone rang. It was Martin. He wanted to tell me we were under a storm watch and maybe I should bring the dogs in so they wouldn't get muddy.

Okay, before I continue, I have to give you a slight history of my and my dogs. 12 years ago, we had two German Shepherds. They loved to bark at people when they went by, and had gotten out on occasion. I constantly worried that they would get out and frighten someone, although they were really friendly, but they were German Shepherds, so that scares people. One day, a friend of Aaron's let them out and they got into a dogfight. The owner sued us, and it was awful. Years later, after these dogs died, we got another shepherd, Rocky, to help Martin through the grief of losing Bobbie Jo. When Rocky was 9 months old, he got loose and lost in the swamps and bayous near the house. We couldn't find him, and I couldn't stop crying. After 4 days of constant searching by us and the whole neighborhood, Rocky found his way home. After these two incidents, I have dog-phobia, meaning that I am so afraid that the dogs will get out and something awful will happen. The word "Dogcatcher" makes my stomach cramp, and well, I really have an issue with it. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the dogs, but they are so sweet and they do guard the house. One time we were robbed, but they only got into the garage, as the dogs kept them out of the house.

Anyway, after Martin suggested that I let them in, I got up, opened the back door and sat back down, continuing to talk to Martin. In a split second, I realized that the front door was open, and dashed into the living room to see my two dogs gamboling on the front lawn. I threw down the phone, and ran outside, but when they saw me, they took off down the street. I had Little Joe in the other room and couldn't chase them, and I just freaked out. My worst nightmare was coming true, and I was alone. I knew if the dogcatcher got them, then I would have to pay a huge fine, and this is not a good time for a huge fine. In no time, the dogs were gone from my sight, and I came in the house, just hysterical. I called Martin to come home, but I couldn't get him back on the phone. Finally, I called the dogcatcher to see if he would help me, even though I would probably get a ticket for the dogs being out. He was not available. I couldn't stop crying, and I felt feint. I called Becky to come home, because I knew I couldn't watch the baby like that. I was so afraid that the dogs would get into a fight, or someone would be frightened by them, and my mind was making up all kinds of scenarios, all of them bad. I prayed and prayed, and begged Heavenly Father to bring them home. I checked on Little Joe who was still asleep, (although I can't imagine how) and as I was going back to the front door, a huge clap of thunder roared through the sky. Suddenly, there they were! The dogs were frightened of the storm, and ran straight back into the house! It was over! I believe that somehow Heavenly Father sent them home, maybe through that tremendous clap of thunder. My nephew David had come down to see what he could do to help, but by then, the dogs were home.

You would think that since it turned out so well, that that was the end of it. But no, remember we are talking about me here, and after the hysteria, the uncontrollable shaking and crying began. David got the baby up, but my arms were so weak I could not hold him. I told him Becky was on her way home, and I continued to sob in fear and anxiety. Why? Because I have dog phobia. David was really worried about me, and kept telling me to calm down, that everything was okay, but I just couldn't. Maybe it is because I have been suppressing my emotions through Martin's scare and now his pending unemployment. Anyway, the dam burst and boy, did it burst. I finally took an anti-anxiety pill, and in about half an hour, I began to slow down. By then, Becky was home and David went to his bus driving job. After she got home, Becky took the baby, and I lay down and fell asleep. I slept until after 6pm, and awoke with a headache and my muscles cramping. So, here I am, trying to aleviate the stress of the day by writing about it, and the dogs are at my feet, looking angelic, and as if nothing happened. I would like to say that I would like to get other homes for them, but today was my fault, not theirs. I have to remember that they are good dogs, and the opportunity to "run greener pastures" is something irresistible. I don't think this will happen again. I certainly won't leave the front door open for any reason. I am thankful that nothing happened, and I need to realize that because nothing happened, then nothing is wrong. Gloomy Gussy really had her day today, but I have tucked her away again, and will try to remember that she cannot be an influence on me. All is quiet tonight, all is well.

A simple question

Having children in your life can bring some really hillarious moments. Children are so innocent, and have great curiosity- and want to know everything. When the subject is rather taboo, they still want to know but most children just ask. I had an experience today that will forever stay in my mind as an example of innocent knowlege questing.

This afternoon, my 5 yo granddaughter was in the room as I was changing Little Joe. I have never hid the fact from her that he is a boy, and she had often been with me when I was changing him. I was in a bit of a hurry, and just whipped off his diaper, wiped him down and put on a new diaper, all the while talking to her about what, I can't remember. I tucked Little Joe in my arm and gave him a bottle, and out of the blue my granddaughter said, "Nana, what do you do when a boy gets on you?" WHAT? Keeping my expression as bland as possible, I gently asked her to repeat the question, and she did. Well, lets see, what do you do when a boy gets on you? My heart was racing but my mind was racing faster as I thought of a way to handle this question. Very calmly I asked her to tell me why she wanted to know. I had all sorts of horrible thoughts going through my mind, and this precious innocent could not possibly have experienced any of them. Even though I tried to hide my concern, she must have sensed something. She began to say, "well, you know, when you change him and he gets on you" but in a slightly worried tone. Suddenly the sun broke out, and my relief was immense. I asked her, "do you mean when I change Little Joe and he tinkles on me?" "Yes Nana, when he gets on you, like he tinkled on Aunt Pnut one time. What do you do?" I laughed right out loud, and gave her such a hug! "Well, I try not to give him a chance to tinkle on me, but he is very little and he doesn't know to hold it. He just goes when he is ready, and Nana always makes sure that he is covered up" I said. She told me that I should have a towel ready just in case, and I laughingly agreed with her.

The preciousness of children! I guess I should try to listen more carefully and not assume the worst. I have been laughing to myself all evening as I remember how I felt when she asked the question and then how relieved I was when she explained it to me. How incredibly funny!

Other than that, after Martin went to work, I did what I could to straighten the house and take care of Little Joe. It occurred to me that the other grandchildren are so very patient when it comes to Little Joe, we don't go to the park as much, and I give him much more attention, but they don't seem to resent it, indeed, they pitch in and help me with him. I thought that my grandchildren needed something special. I put Little Joe in the high chair and turned on the oven. I made a batch of sugar cookies, put round balls of dough on the cookie pan, inserted popscicle sticks in each dough ball and flattened the dough. I baked the cookies into "cookie pops" and let them cool. I then frosted them, and sprinkled each one with sprinkles. They were so pretty, and when the little ones got off the bus, I told them to hurry, as I had a surprise for them. The cookie pops were on the kitchen table on foil, laid out in a neat row. I could hear the children squeal when they saw them, and I knew I had hit a home run! We each had a cookie pop and talked about the day, and then we went outside to the front yard with Little Joe. I put him in his saucer toy, and the other three played on the front lawn. I crocheted while I sat there with the baby, and every time a car went by, they would honk or wave or both. I didn't even know some of those people, but then I realized what a scene we must make. Big, chubby granny watching bouncing baby boy, crocheting while the other kids ran and played. I would have waved too- how lovely we must have looked.

It is these moments that help me be happy and joyous in the midst of our current difficulties. I can do this everyday if I want. The cookie ingredients came from my food storage, and the playing and happiness just came naturally. There was a time when I thought that if I didn't take the kids to McDonalds, I was letting them down. How silly of me. I am so happy that we can find joy in the simple things. I bet my grandchildren are the only ones in Seabrook that got cookie pops today. I look forward to getting to do it all again tomorrow, well maybe not cookie pops, but something yummy after school. How fortunate I am that we are facing our trials. Because of this, I am continuing to discover who I am, how strong I am, and how much I enjoy this blessed life of mine!

The Best Part of the Trial

Our attorney told us today that he will be with us all through the termination process, and will help us afterward. He is such a good man, a real answer to many prayers. It took a long time, almost a year to find him, but it was worth it. Only after faithfully following the commandments and waiting on Heavenly Father was this prayer answered.

Facing job loss is a frightening thing. A year ago, I was hysterical thinking about the prospect, but now, after a year of progress spiritually, I am calm as I realize that it will be how I handle the future that will make my life good or bad. I have had years of training in how to budget and find a way to stretch our income. Years of training, learning to take pride in frugality instead of shame in not having what others think we should have. For many years, I have learned to smile at my family and act as if all was perfect, when things were not, but because of my positive attitude, my children did not realize that they were poor in a worldly sense. I remember when they were very small, Martin and I would go to the local farmers market and go through the boxes thrown out because only a few pieces of fruit or vegetables had spots on them. We would cull through the boxes, take home wonderful fresh produce, and never say a word to anyone. I felt it was such a shame to waste that produce for the sake of a few bad items. The rest of the produce in the box was just fine! I learned what day and time the local grocery stores would mark down the meat that was close to it's out date. I would grab the best of the bargains, and take the meat home and freeze it. I saved a fortune this way, but my kids had no clue. All they knew was that on Sunday we would have a big Sunday dinner, each and every week with pot roasts, pork chops and other pricey cuts of meat. Weeknights were plentiful at the dinner table too, and as far as I was concerned, don't ask, don't tell! My kids always took pride in the homemade cookies, cakes, bread and biscuits that I made each day. I made these things homemade because I couldn't afford to by the ready made stuff. I felt such a sense of accomplishment when I had my hands in dough, rolling out biscuits, or making bread because I knew that my children would have what they needed. All of these experiences have prepared me for this time in my life. Although it is just Martin and me in the house, I have the rest of my family to share with and take such joy in doing so. I will be able to continue to do this because I know how to get through hard times.

It is because Martin and I shared the same goal, raising our family to the best of our ability, no matter what the strategy it took, that gives me the confidence to face this unemployment now. For over a year, I have built up my food storage. The strong inspiration to get a food storage came when we had no clue that any of this was looming in our future. I am so grateful that I listened to the spirit, and now, we have a wonderful backup that will help us financially. Sometimes when I get nervous, I go and look at the huge stockpile of items. It is a vertual grocery store in that room. Heavenly Father prepared us long before the trial, and he will keep us going through it. Holidays, birthdays, and other special days may not see the expensive gifts of the past, but they will see gifts! It will be fun to write of the progress we make, and share the blessings that come our way. That is the best part of a trial, the blessings that keep you through it and the blessings that come after.

Price Match!

Let the fun begin! Now that I know that Martin's termination is happening sometime soon, I can really get into something that I really love- BARGAIN SHOPPING! I love a bargain, have always loved a bargain, and find real joy when I can get a bargain. I HATE it when you go to a store that is advertising a clearance, and find that they have only increased the base price so they can take 30% off and try to make you think you are really getting something. I don't mind speaking up about it either, and let the management know how I feel. We are in this to save money, not play money games. Bargain shopping makes me feel like I am successfully managing money while getting some real value.

I would be the ultimate coupon shopper if I weren't so lazy. For one thing, most of the stuff that they have coupons for are things that I either don't use, don't want or can find it cheaper without a coupon. It is great to get 200 candy bars for 5.00, but what are you going to do with 200 candy bars besides give them away? I can only store so much toilet paper, dishwashing liquid, toothpaste etc, and though it looks great on the bottom line, super coupon shopping is a lot of work and dedication. If I am going to invest 8 hours a day clipping coupons, I may as well get a job away from home. Don't get me wrong, I am really impressed with those who successfully super coupon shop, but I have another solution.

My solution is Price Matching. Good old Walmart has started this fabulous program, and it seems that maybe Target is too, if I heard right. There is a bit of time investment to successfully Price Match shop, but for the weekly bottom line, this is the only way to go. Don't forget though, if you have a coupon, Walmart will add it to the price match price and you will save even more money!

First, be sure you have access to every weekly ad for all the grocery stores in town. This is easily done if you apply to the store's website for email. Each week, they will send you the ad. There are at least 12 different stores in the Houston area that have really good grocery ads, and Walmart honors all of them. Remember that fresh produce is price matched too- the hispanic stores usually have really good prices on fresh produce.

Take some time and print out the ads so that you can have them to compare. Look first at the front page where most of the big bargains are for the week. Big bargains to me are canned goods, meat, clothes soap and othe items that are marked down to get you to come into the store. Then, go through each page, looking for the items you need for your shopping trip. When you see something you need, compare the prices and take the ad with the lowest price, write the item down, the store's name and the price. It sounds like a lot, but it really only takes a little time. Get your list together and go to Walmart. To be on the safe side, take the ads with you along with your list. You probably won't have to prove the prices, but sometimes the clerk asks to see the ad. This is especially true when the price cut is substantial. This week, I got boneless chuck roast for 1.97 a pound, even though at Walmart it was 3.98 a pound. They price matched the ad for me. I got whole chickens for .67 lb instead of the .99lb walmart price. I got peaches for 2 cans for 1.00 instead of 1.10 a can, and lots of other good bargains. I was not asked to show the ad, but last week when Tide was 5.35 in the ad and the Walmart price was 9.95, the clerk wanted to validate it.

Take time each week for this activity. You will really save some serious grocery money. There are a couple of things to remember though,

1. Don't be greedy. Walmart is doing us a great service, and we don't want them to quit because some people are really hogging their stuff.

2. Be polite. Don't be beligerent if the clerk asks to see proof of the price. It is their job. Once they know that your are honest and polite about price matching, they will gladly serve you and help you when you need it. I am hardly ever asked to prove a price, as my reputation preceedes me.

3. If you have lots of stuff, and someone behind you has only a couple if items, let them go first. That way you can take your time price matching without stressing out the clerk.

4. Plan ahead. I am already on the lookout for pasta in the near future. I will also look for items that will help me stretch the food I have. Although I have lots of cream soups, eventually I will need more. Keep an eye out for what you have, and plan for what you will need. Those items will pop out at you when you are searching the ads.

5. Have fun! It is great to save so much money in a time when we are all stressing out about the price of things.

Take advantage of price matching to increase your food storage. This doesn't mean just go wild and buy hundreds of 3 for a dollar items, but get a few, even if you are not going to use them that week. Put them in your food storage.

You may wonder what price matching has to do with Martin and this blog. Well, since we are facing unemployment, this is just another strategy that I am using to keep my spirits up and not give in to discourgement. My Gentle Giant will have enough to think about without my carping over the fact that there isn't enough money to feed him well. He won't even know that I have slashed the grocery budget, and we will have fun in the store shopping. Best of all, he loves to brag about a bargain, and this will give him lots of fuel for the fire!

If any of you need help learning to price match effectively, just let me know! I'll be glad to help.

Yesterday, I brought my plump, cheap chickens home and cut them in half for the freezer. Aunt Cheryl watched as I did my magic. I take a huge butcher knife, cut the chicken down the middle, hold the knife in place and whack it with a large cleaver. The chicken splits perfectly in two pieces. Aunt Chery's eyes about bugged out of her head when I whacked the knife, I think she thought I was the made chicken butcher! I cut and packaged 5 fat fryers in less than 10 minutes and went on to the other items I bought. A half fryer is perfect for us, especially when chicken and dumplings is on the menu!

Oh, I forgot to mention. If you are going to stock up when price matching, especially meats, be sure you have the proper storage bags on hand. They are great for separating bags of pasta, cereal, meats and frozen vegetables. If you only need a half bag of something, separate it in a food storage bag and add it to your food storage. Just be sure to price match when you buy the food storage bags!

Well, enough of being Martha Stewart. Being soon-to-be unemployed has me thinking about lots of things, but I am going to be cheerful and positive no matter what! Price Matching came along at just the right time for me, and I have no doubt that whatever else we may need will be provided for, especially if I use my brain and look for solutions!

Party Boy!

Tonight we went to a party for David and Gale, my Irish twin cousins. We had a really good time, and ate like pigs. Papa, (martin) couldn't resist hamming it up with some Mardi Gras glasses and I snapped him unawares! Life is good. There were twenty-two of us there, and we were at the Golden Corral. At this particular restaurant, they were serving cotton candy to the children, and I am happy to say that none of the kids came home with me as most of them ate 3 or more cotton candy cones! My family so so sweet to me, because they realize that my dietary restrictions are pretty severe, and they chose Golden Corral because I can enjoy myself there. Little Joe was doing great, enjoying being passed from family member to family member, but then the waiters came over and began to clap loudly to get everyone's attention. It scared him to death, and he began to cry. No one noticed it but Becky and I, and everyone began to clap and loudly sing a lusty rendition of Happy Birthday. By then, he was all but hysterical, and his daddy took him away to calm down.

I took advantage of the chocolate fountain. The strawberries were so big and red, and really sweet, and I dipped them in the chocolate fountain, only 3 because I didn't want to be a pig. After sitting down and eating them, I realized my mistake. It was really hard to get out of my seat, as I was sitting in the back of the table in the middle of everyone, and I had to go behind people, sucking in my gut and trying to act like I could gracefully glide behind them to get out. I could not! (gracefully at least). Once of that was enough for me, and even chocolate strawberries could not get me to try that again. So, I only got 3, but next time I am going to be a pig!

Martin had lots of fun, and it is so good to see him clowning around again. We are not upset about the looming job termination. I don't know how we are going to get by, but we will. Heavenly Father can do anything. I always go back to the memory of when Indiana Jones, (part 3) was trying to get to the Holy Grail. He found himself on the edge of a very deep crevice, with no way to get to the other side where the Holy Grail was kept. Part of the clue to discover the Grail was that he should "step out in faith". The problem was that there was no where to step, but my hero Indie, closed his eyes and stepped out into thin air. It seemed for sure that he was doomed as when he stepped out, his foot went down about a foot, and then- stopped! He was on a stone bridge that because of an optical illusion, could not be seen. Indie tossed dirt across the bridge to see his way, and found himself on the other side of the bridge where he eventually found the Grail.

That is how I feel about this situation. I am stepping out in faith. I can't see the bridge, and for all I know, there is a huge area of nothing-ness that will swallow me up. But I know that Heavenly Father can see the bridge, and not only that, he will guide Martin and I across. The Holy Grail for us is to know and realize the security in life that only Heavenly Father can provide. It is there- hidden in the future, and we don't know how or how long it will be until we get there. In the meantime, it is how we handle the situation that will be the measure of our success. It is taking one day at a time, enjoying friends and family, love, happiness and challenges that will lead us across the invisible bridge. Because Martin's surgery has given us time, we can do these things together. Tonight is just one example of the incredibly beautiful life that we share. The future will come. My faith is that we can meet the future with courage and confidence. A friend once told me, " If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". Yes, we are going to lose Martin's job, but I can't wait to see what is on the other side of that door!

Finally!

Well, the process has finally begun. HR told Martin today that they were going to start termination proceedings against him. Apparently, this takes some time, but each day he gets paid, is more money to save. I thought I was an ant before. Remember the And and the Grasshopper? I compared my feeble efforts at econonmy to being like and Ant instead of a Grasshopper, but now, reality has set in. When I found out that he was definetly going to be terminated, I got physically ill, (like I always do) and turned down 2 dinner invitations because I had such an upset stomach. I relished the quiet, as all the grandkids, Martin and Aunt Cheryl had gone to eat somewhere. Tears leaked out of my eyes and into my ears, (because I was lying on my back) as I contemplated the future. Then suddenly, sweetly, the thought came: You are strong. You have to set the tone for the future so that Martin won't get discouraged. If you are happy, he will be happy, no matter what the circumstances. I began to feel lifted up, and my depression began to leave. I took a moment to say goodbye to Gloomy Gussy once again, and felt steel go up my spine. Yes, I am strong, and I won't be discouraged. And then, I knew. I just knew that this is in Heavenly Father's plan. Something wonderful is going to come out of this- a new start, a bright future. If Martin is unemployed, he will be home to help me with the grandkids, go fishing, and take it easy and recover. I am not sure what the future will bring, but it will be good. I believe this with all my heart. I was talking to my niece tonight about making decisions, and she told me how she agonized over a decision that would drastically change her life. I listened to her as she told me of her struggles with this, and then, the thought came to my mind. "If your desire is righteous, go ahead and then rely on Heavenly Father to help you. As long as you serve Heavenly Father and follow the commandments, then go ahead and trust yourself to make a decision." I told her this, and when I said it outloud, I realized that it also applied to me in the circumstance of Martin's employment. We have been honest, done all we could to try to fix this situation, and followed the commandments. If Martin is still terminated after all out righteous efforts, then we will trust Heavenly Father to lead us to a better future. In the meantime, we will do all we can to live within our means, follow all the commandments, and trust that our needs will be met.

I am so pleased that the opportunity for Martin to relax for awhile has presented itself. He will go fishing, work in his garage doing woodwork, take the dogs on a nature walk, play cards with me, and spend time with Little Joe and the grandkids before and after school. The love their PaPa so much, and will be thrilled to see him every day. He deserves the joy of such a life.

As for me, well I am going to up the challenge. I am a great budgeter, and love a bargain. It will be good for me to stretch my talents, and I especially find joy in seeing the bottom line not decrease, but increase. I have my food storage, my sewing machine, and my determination. The girls will send groceries for the grandchildren, I will utilize my crockpot, and rely on my experience in stretching a chicken for two or more meals. You should have seen me when Martin was in the Army. We had nothing. I taught myself to make four meals out of one chicken. I quartered the chicken, two halves of white meat, two halves dark meat and sometimes even used the backbone for soup. I made chicken and dumplings, chicken and noodles, chicken and rice, and with a quarter white piece, would cut it in half again and fry it. I had a good time doing this, and Martin never knew what was going on. Of course, it was just the two of us, and when the kids came, sometimes I had to just halve the chicken and make two meals. I would take a one pound piece of chuch roast and quarter it. I made beef tips and rice, stew, vegetable beef soup and out of a quarter piece, slice it thin, pound it out and make chicken fried steak. My friends marveled at me. I taught them how to cook econmically. We all were able to save a lot of money on groceries, and I really enjoyed cheating the bottom line. This has stayed with me throughout my 40 years of marriage. It will serve me well at this time. For the last year and a half, I have felt driven to make sure my food storage is well stocked. Now, I feel comfort just walking into the storage room and looking at my stockpile. It would be much more difficult if I had to spend a huge grocery bill each week, and now my shopping consists of finding bargains and refilling the stock. Last week, a store on the other side of town had boneless, skinless chicken breasts for 1.37 a pound. Great deal, but the gas to get there would negate the savings. I rememberd that Walmart matches prices, so I took a chance and asked the meat manager at Walmart if he would honor the price. He did! So, I took some of my savings, and bought a bunch of chicken! I keep my eyes open for pasta, spaghetti sauce, canned meat, and other meal making items. Two months ago, it was soup. I found mushroom soup and cream of chicken soup for .50 a can, usually costing over a dollar. I bought two cases of each, and suffered some ridicule from my family, but now I have all the soup I need to stretch the meat and other dishes. Anyway, I am upping my savings game, and woe to all who get in my way! (All they care about anyway is what is on the table, not how it got there!) So, in spite of the finality of finally hearing about the termination, it has been a pretty good day. I know who I am, and I am rearing to prove it. Take that Gloomy Gussy!

Oh, by the way, I dreamed of Little Otto last night. He is my son who was killed when he was 13, and I have missed him so for almost 20 years. In my dream, he came up to me, and the last thing I remember is the incredible joy of hugging and kissing him. I can't remember more, but the feeling has stayed with me all day. Perhaps he knew we would be getting bad news today.

Busy Morning!

Not so bright and early, I awoke to Becky bringing Little Joe to me for the day. He was cheerful and content to sit in his carrier, so I thought I would take the opportunity to start breakfast for the other boys who would be arriving in a few minutes. As I started for the kitchen, I noticed the laundry hamper seriously needed emptying, and laundry needed doing. Later. Martin and Aunt Cheryl were sawing logs, Little Joe was playing with his toys in the carrier and the dogs were expectantly getting in my way, knowing that I was going to put them out. Stepping over one enormous fur rug, (Rocky) and tripping over the other one (Jacky) I stifled a small profanity. Down the dark hall I go, the dogs following, hoping for a snack before I send them to backyard siberia for the morning. I don't want to turn on the lights, because I don't want to wake Martin, and anyway, I am used to the dark, as after the Hurricane, we didn't have lights for some time, and I learned to manage in the dark quite well. The dogs went out and I went to the kitchen, where I was surprised by a dish that I thought I had cleaned the night before: it had dried noodles and asparagus stuck to it. Gross! I hate next morning dirty dishes! I contemplated just tossing the whole thing out, but since I am trying to be frugal, I actually emptied it and washed it. Well, I should say I scrubbed it, as the noodles were very tenatious, and wouldn't just wash out. I started the Cream of Wheat, listening for Little Joe, and as he was so content, there was a very good chance that he had gone back to sleep. I was stirring the cereal, and the phone rang, with Eli announcing that they would be here any minute. I guess he was calling from the front door, because before I could hang up, the door burst open and the boys burst in, yelling, "what's for breakfast Nana?" I told them Cream of Wheat, and Eli was tickled, and Jacob let me know that he wanted something else. I told them to pipe down, (I still hoped Little Joe had gone back to sleep) and returned to the cereal. Next thing I know, Eli has Little Joe. Eli tells me that Little Joe was wide awake, and Eli says he knew that I would never leave Little Joe in his carrier like that unless he was asleep, right Nana? Oh, brother. So now, I have Little Joe on my hip, stirring cereal and the boys clamoring about whatever boy clamor about at 7:00 in the morning. Little Joe is hungry, and not shy about letting me know. I put him in his high chair, and tell Eli to watch him so I can serve the cereal. Okay, cereal is done, but in the butter, the sugar, get the plates out so that it will cool off faster, Jacob tells me he wants a red plate, not a blue one (after I have the cereal on it) and Eli is calling me. "Nana, Little Joe stinks!" he says. Well, of course he does! I pick him up, and yes, he stinks. (He is very good at eliminating) I tell the boys to eat and be quiet, and Jacob reminds me that he did not want a blue plate, he wanted a red one. Didn't I hear him the first time? Anyway, he didn't want Cream of Wheat- so I negotiate. Eat half of it and you can have a Pop-Tart. He is agreeable, but now Eli wants to know what he gets if he eats all of his cereal. I don't have to worry about Eli eating his cereal, I have to worry about Eli eating his cereal and everyone else's so I think about this. I tell him he can have a Pop Tart too, after his cereal is gone, and take stinky Little Joe back to the bedroom. It is still dark in there, so I fumble around for a diaper, wipes, and take his jammy bottoms off. It is too dark to do the job properly, so I turn on the bathroom light, and good thing too, because Little Joe has really done it. I am cleaning him, using the wipes to make sure he is squeaky clean, when I feel the patter of a wet offering on my face. I said s*#t, (you know I try not to swear, but sometimes it slips out) and Martin says, "Oh, I can tell he did that. You can smell it all over the house!". Martin is awake? He is awake?!!!! I am feeding ravening monsters, cleaning doodoo and wiping pee from my face, and he is awake?!!!! I calmly ask him how long he has been awake, and he says, "oh, since Little Joe came. I have been listening to everything". Did it ever occur to him that perhaps I could use a hand? Just a little bitty hand? Well, I guess not. Since Martin rolls over and pretends that he has gone back to sleep, (hah!) I take Little Joe back into the kitchen and referee the boys over the reason why one got one Pop Tart and one got two. "Cause I wasn't in here, that's why!" I tell them, and realize that Jacob has eaten two because he ate no cereal, and Eli is almost finished with one because he ate his cereal and most of Jacob's. And then, blessed be, I see the sight of the school bus turning the corner. Thank goodness! "Bus, Bus, hurry! Bye, have a good day, see you this afternoon!" I holler as they rush out the door. I collapse in the kitchen chair in utter relief, and then I realize that Little Joe must still be hungry. He is a good baby, and he expectantly watches me, probably wondering what he will get for breakfast. I am a good Nana, and I expertly scrape the pot the cereal was cooked in to get enough for Little Joe. He cheerfully slurps his cereal, and after a few minutes, I wipe him off and take him to Martin. (I don't care if he is asleep!) I almost made it to getting back in bed, when I noticed the overflowing hamper again. Shoot! I drag the hamper to the laundery room and load the washer. I am out of soap, so I have to open a new box, and of course I spill it all over the clothes. What anyone doesn't know won't hurt me, so instead of measuring the soap, I just close the lid on the spilled soap and start the machine. Finally, I drag my self back to my room, and wonder of wonders, there is Little Joe sound asleep in PaPa's (Martin's) arms. Nap time for Nana! I fluff the pillows, arrange myself comfortably and close my eyes. Then I hear, "Cletus, you are not the father!" (Martin has turned on the TV). I can't believe it, but it has only been an hour and fifteen minutes since Little Joe arrived! What a morning! Guess what- every morning is like this. I love every second of my hectic morning schedule, every tripping, dog putting out, hello Little Joe, cereal cooking, hello Eli and Jacob, poopy diaper changing, laundry starting and "baby daddy" morning. I really do!

A Quiet day!

I actually don't have much to report today. Martin went to work, but his supervisor didn't speak to him, so he just sat at his desk, earning another day's pay. Each day is precious to us, and I am squeezing nickles into dimes, because we don't know how much longer he will be working. I guess the only thing that was really outstanding is that we went to get the tags on our vehicles, and we were only the SECOND in line when we got there. It was almost like the twilight zone, not having to stand in a long, long line, and usually when I get there, there is not only a long line, but most of the clerks are out on a break. As soon as we got in line though, the line began to form behind us. A typically long line. So, I guess I should call that a BLESSING! We were in and out before we knew it, and took the opportunity of having a bit of extra time and went to Target. Aunt Cheryl was watching Little Joe, and I don't want to take advantage of her, but since we figured a couple of hours to get the tags, and we were in and out, I thought it might be okay to get something I wanted for Little Joe. He loves books, and even though he is only 5 months old, he really loves it when I get the large picture book of animals and show it to him. I thought it would be nice to get some little animals to let him hold when I was saying things like, "cow, cat, dog" etc. Good thing we went, as they were having a shoe clearance, and I found Aunt Cheryl some flip flops (which she loves) that had support. I thought it was nice to find something for her, she is so good to us. I did find the little animals, and Little Joe just loves them. He is really something, and it is so good to have him with me each day, as it reminds me of the tremendous blessings I have, especially when things are challenging. But like I said, today was rather uneventful, that is kind of nice I suppose. This weekend, we are having birthday celebrations for David, (my soon-to-be 40 year old nephew) and Gail, (my just turned 39 niece). At this time, they are Irish twins, because they were born less than a year apart! One thing Martin and I did discuss today, were the beginning plans for a family reunion on the 4th of July. That should be fun to develop, as we have always wanted to do that. We will probably include the celebration of our 40th anniversary since they are only a day apart. We'll see. Okay, till tomorrow, be good!

DaDa

A milestone for Little Joe- he said his first word. He was lying in the playpen, looking at me hoping that I would pick him up, and began to babble, DaDa, DaDa over and over. I looked at Aunt Cheryl and said, "did he really say DaDa?" She laughed and said yes his did, and just as we were in wonder at this the phone rang and it was Becky. She immediatley heard him babbling, and was like, "Mama! Is he saying DaDa?" I told her she was, and I felt, really felt, the sadness she was feeling that she had to work and missed this moment. I lightened the moment when I told her to text Joe- he would be tickled to death. He was. Becky is very strong, and is a very responsible mama. She knows that in order for them to provide for Little Joe, they both have to work. She does this graciously, and with strength, but she does wish that she could be with Little Joe when these milestones occur.

Today, Martin went to work. You wouldn't think he would be able to, but we are in a medical era where things are much different than even 10 years ago. The doctor told him to take it easy, where he was met with the demand that he go into one of the rooms that make him ill. He asked if the personal protection equipment, (PPE) was available and if so, he would gladly go into that room. The supervisor asked him if he was refusing to go into the room, and again he said he was not refusing, but only wanted the proper PPE to protect himself. What he needs is a mask that will filter the air keeping out the agents that cause his lungs to flare up and become ill. The supervisor gave him a painter's mask, one that you can get at Home Depot before, but it is very unsuitable for what Martin needs. Today, the supervisor pointed at those masks and told Martin that they would give him nothing else. Martin asked if he would put that in writing, and the supervisor angrily turned, walked out and slammed the door. I knew that Martin was going to have grief today, and when he told me this, Gloomy Gussy came out in all her glory. My stomach got upset, my head began to hurt and I was awash with an anxiety attack. I mixed up a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough and baked some cookies, hoping to get my mind off of the situation, but it didn't help much. Just about this time, Little Joe decided that he did not want a nap, but instead wanted to play with Eli and Jacob who had come in after school. Eli was so good to play with Little Joe, and Little Joe has figured out that Eli is an easy mark to get him out of the playpen, or to just cart him around in general. Finally, Eli and Jacob wanted to play outside, and so I took Little Joe back, but Little Joe wanted none of that! He immediatly began to scream at the top of his lungs. He has discovered that he can scream, and he likes it, so he uses this at any given time to express his outrage. Mind you, he is only 5 months old, so I cant' really justify saying that he knows what he is doing, (but he does). When Eli came back in, I had had just about enough of bouncing a whining baby, Little Joe was so tired, and wanted to play so he wouldn't go to sleep. I asked Eli to warm a bottle for me, (he is very good at this)and soon he came hurrying down the hall and telling Little Joe that he had a bottle for him. Little Joe settled right down in my lap and began to slurp. Boy, that bottle emptied really fast, and I wondered how he could be so hungry, as I had just given him a bottle about 2 hours before. I felt a funny sensation on my entire left side of my chest, and noticed that Little Joe had formula running out the side of his mouth. I picked him up to see why, and then I realized that Eli had forgotten to put the little ring back into the bottle that keeps air out. The formula had been leaking out the whole time. My entire left side of my chest was sopping wet, and Little Joe's outfit was wet too. I could have screamed in anger on so many levels. My control was being tested, and I just sat there, holding Little Joe, and telling Gloomy Gussy that she wasn't going to have her way. I changed Little Joe's clothes for the fourth time today, put up his little tummy time toy on the bed and put him on it. I then changed my shirt, sat down on the bed next to Little Joe, and there they were: tears. Not huge sobbing gulping tears, just the kind that slowly trickle down your cheeks. Silent tears, tears manifesting my fear for Martin's employment, my frustration over the leaking bottle, and my pity for myself that I was even continuing in an ongoing trying situation. I didn't want to upset the baby, so I was really trying to get myself under control. Becky came home to get little Joe, and saw that I was upset, and asked me why. Aunt Cheryl filled in the blanks, and of course, Becky began to try to help by reminding me that being upset won't help, and I have to be strong. I was on the verge of telling her to stuff it when the phone rang. It was Martin. My heart leapt in my chest. Why was he calling? What was wrong? I asked if he was alright, and he said yes, but he wanted me to know that he wasn't upset about his job situation, because I had shown him how to be strong, and he knew that I was there for him no matter what. He told me it was a good thing that I was handling everything so well, because he thought he would fall apart if he had to do it on his own. Yes, he was very thankful to have me to fall back on, yes indeed. Really? He thought I was the strong one? Really? Right about that time, I felt Gloomy Gussy receeding. Within seconds, she was gone, and Strong Jodie was back. Strong, strong Jodie who can look difficulties in the face and laugh. I did laugh right out loud then, and felt a release of the fear and anxiety that had gripped me this afternoon. I know that things are still rough for us, but I have my Martin, improving and doing well, and that was the real trial. The rest of this, I can do, no matter what comes. After all, according to Martin, it is what I do best!

Happy Papa

There is more than a physical change in Martin. I see real happiness in his eyes. Perhaps it is because he feels that he has been given a new start, a new realization that things will work out for the best. I know that feeling well, as I experienced such events after I survived a "supposedly" terminal illness. The end of that illness brought many new and exciting chapters to my life. I am thankful that I got to experience all of it.

Tonight, Little Joe sat at the dinner table with the family and watched us eat chicken and dumplings. Papa, (Martin)being the wise papa that he is, told Becky to give Little Joe a bite of the dumplings. She has been so strict as to Little Joe's diet, which of course is good for Little Joe, but has certainly been a challenge for me. Fortunately, Becky cannot say no to her daddy, and gave Little Joe a taste of a dumpling. His little eyes popped open, and he quickly gummed the dumpling, finishing with an expectant look on his face. I tell you this because, we have had a rough time getting Little Joe to eat from a spoon. He has learned to purse his lips together when the spoonful of baby food is coming his way, and if that doesn't work he will just spit it out. He will also grab the spoon if he can, or wipe his mouth covered with baby food and rub it in his hair. He and I usually end up wearing most of his baby food. I have no problem with feeding him his food in a baby bottle, mixing rice cereal with fruit or vegetables and his formula. He will usually gobble this down, burping loudly to announce that he has had enough. Becky is afraid that he will learn bad habits if I feed him this way, and so, each day, I get ready for the baby food battle.

Tonight, as I said, Papa gave Little Joe a bite of a dumpling. He loved it. Papa laughed out loud and clapped his hands! (This is why I say that there is a change in Papa. It is really unusual that he would notice Little Joe's dietary strides). Aunt Cheryl mashed up another dumpling for him, and that little pig actually smacked his lips between bites. He also loves mashed potatoes and grits. I think we can conclude that the problem is that he just doesn't like baby food! Papa, grinning like a cheshire cat, announced that we should just listen to him and feed the boy some real food. Tonight, Becky bought a food grinder, giving in to the inevitable.

Funny thing is, when Becky was a baby, she would refuse to eat anything. She only wanted to nurse, and I couldn't get a bite of anything else in her, even up until she was over a year old. One day, as we were eating chicken and dumplings, Martin pressed a dumpling between her lips. Just like Little Joe, her little eyes popped open and she began to smack on the dumpling. I couldn't believe it! For the next month, I made dumplings everyday, and she ate them everyday. She soon learned to like other foods, and the problem was solved. I love it that Little Joe is acting just like his mama.

I think each event like this will be more precious to me. I took so much for granted, letting memories slide away, but no more. This blog will help me to catalog those events, just as it so far has helped me cope with the shock of Martin's illness. This will be a good year. I feel very optimistic. Okay, let me be honest: Martin returns to work tomorrow, and down deep, I worry that tomorrow will be the day they let him go. They are insisting that he work in the area that has made him so ill, and he, with the advice of counsel, has told them that he cannot work there. There is much than can be done, but for some reason, manangement won't help him. Anyway, if he loses his job, we will be allright. I know that Heavenly Father will get us through. I am excited to experience the future, and to write the events that will occur as we go through this ongoing trial. If I learned anything finally, with Martin's heart experience, it is that I should never borrow trouble. Each day is precious, and I will happily face the future with anticipation.

Today, Martin stayed with Sissy and her Texans party while Aunt Cheryl and I went to church. I woke up feeling terrible, with deep pain from my head to my toes, increasing with every move. My toes hurt and my fingers hurt. It hurt to open my eyes or move my limbs. This alone should have kept me home, but I was determined to go to church and express my gratitude for Martin's being fixed. I could have done this at home, but I just wanted to be in the House of God, and so, after two Aleve and some rest, I began to feel better. When I got to church, I was asked to give the opening prayer. This really pleased me, as I thought it would be appropriate to start my church visit with service. Before the service started, I was surrounded with many who wanted to let me know they had been praying for us and they were so happy that things went well. That is what I look forward to each week, being surrounded by all my loving friends, and their love and concern for me and Martin. Becky, Joe and Little Joe showed up, and as the chapel was full, had to sit apart from Aunt Cheryl and me. The opening song was sung, and it was time for me to offer the opening prayer. As I approached the podium, I felt my heart begin to overflow with love and gratitude. I stood for a moment, waiting for the members to bow their heads, and for that short moment, I could understand why I was just so overwhelmed with joy. For that split-second, I realized that all the happiness that I have known with my friends and family, would continue exponetially, even if I did not have Martin with me on this earth. Looking at all of those who have shared such joy over the years, made me realize that I was the most fortunate of women. Then, I had to begin to pray, but I wanted to make sense of my words. What I wanted to do, was to shout with gratitude, my thanks that I still had Martin with me. I wanted to form the words to let everyone know how fortunate we all are to have our loving friends and family with us, and that we have such an affluent lifestyle. I don't mean affluent in the means of riches, but affluent in joy and security. I wanted to express my love for all of them, and for my Heavenly Father and my Savior, I wanted to cry aloud at the beauty of life. But, with Father's constraint, I asked for the blessing of understanding, and expressed thanks for the gospel and the gift of meeting together. I will cry aloud with the beauty of life through my actions and example of a woman who is eternally endebted for the love of my Savior and his sacrifice for all of us. I hope that everyone who is in my presence, will feel the happiness that I have for the love of my companion, and the gift of it's continuing on the earth for more time. I still have to deal with the employment thing, the workers comp thing, my own health, and other issues, but I am glad to do it. I am continuing to keep Gloomy Gussy away, each day, she is squashed further and further into a cubby hole that will not open to let her out. I spent the afternoon with Martin, watching him nap, and planning things for us to do. What happiness we will have together, along with our friends and family, watching children develop and grow, and others of us grow old and give joy to each other. I am so thankful for all I have in life, and even if it is not a lot temporally, it is still riches to me!

Jimmy Jump-up

Listen, I'll take common sense over smarts any day. Sad thing is, most people with common sense are really smart too. I can quote a passage from just about any book I have read since I began Gone with the Wind when I was 9 years old, but I can't figure out instructions to put something together to save my life. People have told me that I am really smart because I can read a 400 page book in one day, can win most of the Scrabble games I play, and can remember facts about subjects. I can also report and teach those facts, but when it comes to common sense, I am lost in the ocean. A schematic drawing looks like Japanese to me. I actually feel panic when I have to look at instructions to put something together or repair something, because I cannot figure out why A goes into D and so forth. This is one reason why I cannot do without Martin. He can repair, fix or assemble anything on earth. Instructions? Nah, not for him. He can just look at something and figure it out. Not only that, he does it in such a way, that makes me feel really dull. It would take me hours to assemble just about anything. Heaven forbid that I should try to glue a pipe, unstop the garbage disposal, or hang a ceiling fan. I almost electrocute myself trying to change a lightbulb! Today, is a perfect example.

This morning, as I was waiting to go and get Martin from the hospital, Becky called and invited Aunt Cheryl and me to breakfast. Such a nice breakfast too, pancakes and sausage and diet coke. Well, diet coke and vegetarian sausage for me. Anyway, as I was eating, I noticed that the Christmas gift I gave Little Joe was not out anywhere. I asked Becky where it was and she said"over there somewhere" meaning still in the box in the dining room. The gift is a Jimmy Jump-up. It is a baby seat that hangs from a doorway with a large spring on top, and when the baby sits in it, he can jump up and down. Little Joe is big enough for it now, so I thought it would be a good idea to try it out. Becky told me to wait for another day, as it wasn't put together, but I told her to "just take it out and put it up. It's easy." She is good natured, so she got the box out, opened it, and dumped straps, tubes, a cloth bucket seat and other items on the table. It looked rather daunting, but hey, I'm a grown woman, and this is only a Johnny Jump-up. She started assembling the maze of items, and then I told her I would take over. Here is where I usually get into trouble. The tubes, straps and cloth seat refused to go together. I couldn't figure out how to get the straps into the seat to fit into the hanger on the top to evenly come together to go onto the large spring clip that holds the thing onto the doorway. I tried and tried, and finally almost got it right. Problem is, that the front straps were much longer than the back straps, and I couldn't get the top straps to fasten onto the hanger. The tubes were supposed to slide through a top pocket around the top of the seat, while holding the straps. I swear, I put that stupid thing together at least 15 times, each time with something not right. My fingers were getting sore, my temper getting short and the desire to throw the whole thing outside was almost overwhelming! Becky calmly suggested that I put it up and try again some other time, and I let her know that now the project was PERSONAL! No stupid baby toy was getting the best of me! Looking at the once again disassembled pile of items that should by now be swinging and jumping happily with Little Joe, I resolved that I would get it right. Then Aunt Cheryl quietly said, "the toy loops go in the front, and this goes here and that goes there". In less than two minutes, she had assembled the entire thing. You see, she has common sense. It made sense to her that the items should line up A to Z. She is like her brother Martin, they both have the sense to look at something and see how it should go together.

Not long after that, we left Becky and Little Joe to go and get Martin from the Hospital. Little Joe was jumping and swinging and loving it, and I was feeling resentment that a baby toy could tax my intellegence so much. When we got to the hospital, Martin asked why we had come later than we were going to. Aunt Cheryl said, "well, Aunt Jodie tried to put together the Johnny Jump-up for little Joe and", but she stopped when she saw the look of horror on Martin's face. "You didn't let him jump in it after she got it together, did you?" he said, with his eyes wide and wrinkles of concern mapping his forhead. "I mean, no offense, but that could be really dangerous for Little Joe!" I then, with jut a tiny touch of sarcasm told him that Cheryl figured it out and assembled it. "Oh, well that's okay then. So, does he like it?" said Martin. He knows. After 40 years, he knows that I am assembly challenged. Just put the tools down and step back and no one will get hurt. Hide the super glue, you know, that sort of thing. He actually told someone once that the reason they made super glue remover, is for me. So you see, I need my common sense companion, my honey, or believe me, neither my kids nor grandkids would ever have been able to ride on or use the toys they got over the years. Don't think I am useless though, I am good for writing term papers, doing research, reports, and being a study buddy. I can wipe noses with the best of them, calm troubled feelings, put bandaids on hurts, and bake goodies. I fold clothes really well, and can make a mean bed. Yes I am good for lots of stuff as long as none of that requires assembly, thank goodness!

I spent the rest of the day, thanking my Heavenly Father that Martin is doing well. He will have to be monitored for a few months, and we will have to eventually address the other blocked arteries, but he came home, and I just want to sit and look at him, and think of all the wonderful years we have had and all the time that we will have together on this earth. I know that I have many more opportunities to let Martin use his common sense to assemble or fix something, and the comfort of knowing that I won't have to!

Prayers answered

Martin had his surgery today, and all went well. I am almost ashamed of my attitude over the last 7 weeks, letting fear and doubt be such a part of my life, and once again, I have learned that Heavenly Father will have his way. I shouldn't try to mentally control the outcome. After the surgery, I went back to recovery, and found Martin lying flat on his back, (as he was required to do for some time) and grinning at me. The first thing I noticed, was that he was absolutely pink in color! I hadn't realized that his coloring was off, but seeing him like that made me realize that he had indeed, become kind of grey or even pale. I kissed him and said, "hey piglet!" He was confused as to why I would call him piglet, but I told him his fresh pink color reminded me of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh. So, here's the news. It took a few tries, but finally the rotor blade, which is a tiny drill, was able to get through the calcium block. The doctor then put in a stent, so that the artery would stay open. This was done while Martin was awake, and through the femoral artery to the heart. The doctor told me that the other large artery was completly blocked, but we knew that and the only way to fix that would be with a bypass. Martin cannot do a bypass, so we just have to leave it as it is. Opening the main artery was the goal, and it was accomplished. There are a couple of other smaller arteries that are blocked, but according to the doctor, they are not overy worried about them, as the heart will form what is called "collateral circulation" meaning that small arteries will form from around the blocked area. We will watch and keep tabs on the situation, but for now, my Honey is out of danger. I felt faint when the doctor told me "everything just went beautifully" because I was so relieved.

I began to mentally plan the fun events of the coming year. First, there are birthdays, some in January, some in February, and some in March. We always love to have a big party for all of these together, and I am already in the planning stage. The rest of the year has plenty of birthdays, but not really clustered together. All of them will be celebrated, most especially Martin's, with much gratitude. Then, in July, we will celebrate our 40th anniversary. I mean, really celebrate! I can't wait to see what the kids do for us, but I don't care, as I will have another anniversary with Martin, and many more I hope. I also want to have a 4th of July picnic. I want all our family and lots of friends to come and have a real old fashioned picnic. We must have homemade ice cream for sure, and hot dogs and all the goodies. Martin will make his famous homemade rootbeer, and I am going to make ribbons for prizes for the games. Some of the games will be: a watermelon seed spit, where whoever spits their seed the farthest wins, a water balloon toss, a spoon race, a sack race and other games. I am going to ask the ladies to bring cakes and pies and we will judge them for a prize. Oh, I am getting excited just thinking about it! I hope to have it in the park by the bay, and we will take lots of pictures. It is so important to have family and friends meet and enjoy each other's company!

I left Martin at the hospital to rest tonight, and I came home so that he will actually sleep. He will come home tomorrow, and take it easy for awhile. I slept today, a nap, that was a really deep sleep, for the first time in many weeks, without dread or fear to plague me. I know that anything can happen at any time, but for now, I feel respite from the awful feelings that I brought on myself. Why couldn't I have been more confident in Heavenly Father's blessings? Why couldn't I have relied on all the prayers given on our behalf? I have learned one thing for sure, I am not going to borrow trouble after this- if trouble comes, it will come. I am not going to waste my life imagining all the terrible things that could be.

I told you so

One day to go until they do Martin's proceedure. I feel very optimistic, but that is kind of what scares me. When Bobbie Jo had cancer, I was convinced that we could beat it, and she would go on with her life, married to her Martin and raise Jared. I was selfish too, as it was a daunting thought that I would have to be her caretaker for quite awhile. I wasn't sure I was up to it. In spite of those feelings, I really felt she would make it. These thoughts plague me, but once again, this is something that Gloomy Gussy does- rethink the past and try to compare it to the present. Martin's doctor said he would take care of Martin. Why can't I just hang on to that? Where is this fear coming from? Just thinking about him going through this proceedure really scares me. I remember when he did the diagnostic tests after he had a bad EKG. First, the EKG was a surprise, as only in July, his EKG was normal. I thought it would be a fluke, and the tests would show no problems. But then, after all the tests were done, I waited for him to come on out and we would leave with nothing to worry about. In the next room, I heard the nurse tell another patient that his tests came out fine and he could go on home. I thought that I am tired of tests that show nothing, just precautionary stuff. So, when Martin came out to get me, I gathered up my stuff, (crochet, books, drink and chips) and prepared to leave with him. The nurse came in and said, "the doctor needs to talk to you". Hold on, why doesn't she talk to us? I asked why the doctor wanted to talk to us, and she said he would explain everything. A tiny little bell began to ring in the back of my mind. We went in, and the doctor came right to the point. "You have an area of the heart that is starved for blood, and I think there is a blockage. This dark part of the heart is where I am concerned about, we need to jump right on it" he said. The bell rang louder. When the doctor said, right on it, he meant the next morning. I went outside and sat on the sidewalk while Martin waited to get into the heart hospital. I always sit on the sidewalk when I am very distressed, I sat on the sidewalk lots when Bobbie Jo was sick, and when I found out I had cancer, I sat on the sidewalk and refused to go into the cancer hospital. I was convinced I would never come out alive. Anyway, I sat on the sidewalk and waited for Martin. I tried to digest what had happened, but I concentrated on the fact that the doctor told Martin that they would probably put a stint in the blockage and be done with it. When Martin came out, we went to the heart hospital and checked him in. The next day, I waited outside in the family waiting room for news of Martin. The angiogram showed severe blockage in the main artery of his heart and total blockage in another artery. I must have looked alarmed, because the doctor said not to worry, they would put in a stent and Martin would stay over the weekend and go home. After that, while waiting for the stent to be put in, I called the Bishop, the family and a few friends that would pass the news for me and told them that all was well, he did fine, and not to worry. While I was still on my little high, the surgeon came out and sat down. I knew something was wrong. He told me that he had tried 6 times to stent Martin's artery, but they could not get it open. It had a calcium blockage and they were going to have to drill out the calcium. Okay, get going. I have stuff to do. Then, the doctor told me that they would have to wait 6-8 weeks to do the proceedure because the artery was very weak from all the efforts they had made. The bell began to clang. I asked if Martin would have to stay in the hospital for 6-8 weeks, and was told no, there was nothing they could do, so he should stay a few days, then go home, take it easy and use nitro spray if he got cardiac pain. It took a moment, but then I asked what would happen if he had a heart attack. "We would do our best to save him" was the answer. The next question was, "is he in danger of a heart attack?" I was told that the nitro spray would give us some time if a heart attack occurred, and again told they would do what they could. 6-8 weeks seemed like forever, and I began to worry, (as I have expressed myself in this blog) that the worst would happen and he would die. I imagined myself as a widow. I imagined myself alone without Martin. I lay awake at night, thinking that he would be gone by the next day. Each time he had pain, I was afraid that it was the big one. I have prayed daily, sometimes hourly, that I would not be left with Martin on this earth. My friend died, and I saw his wife greeting everyone at his funeral, and I hoped that I could be so gracious if I had to.

So, here I am. One day to go. One more day to wait. I do think that he will be fine, but I am telling you that the time he is in the surgery room will be very hard on me. I want the doctor to come out, smile and tell me that everything went well. I don't want to hear that they could not fix Martin and he had to live knowing that at anytime he could die. I especially don't want to hear that something went terribly wrong, and he died. See what a baby I am? See how pessimistic? See how I always expect the worst? I never used to be like that, but after the death of two of my children and other unexpected tragedies, I can't seem to find it in myself to ignore the possiblilty of a bad outcome. On Friday, when I report that Martin did great and he is going to go on and- recover from this, I want you to call me and tell me I was a worry wart for nothing. It will be the -sweetest thing I could hear. My phone number is: 281-474-1256. If you don't want to call, then comment on this post. I want to see and hear: I told you so!