He Is Feeling Better

The Gentle Giant went fishing today!  He, Robby, David and Shane took the boat out very early in the morning and went fishing in the bay. I am sooo happy that this has happened, it is something that will get Martin back on his feet emotionally. He loves to fish. He doesn't eat the fish, but gives it away. He only likes the challenge of catching the fish, the comeradarie of other fishermen, and being out on the water.
I don't particulary like to go fishing, well, I do, but not at 4 in the morning. The men don't really like a woman going either, I guess they can't really be "themselves" meaning "acting like the guys".  They also can't pee off the side of the boat if I am there, and that makes it awkward, (Iguess).
He came home happy. He caught 3 nice fish and enjoyed the day. I loved seeing him smile while relating his day, it was like sunshine beaming in the house.  A bit later, we went and got snowcones together.  What fun!
After a nap, we went to David's house for dinner. Natalie made the nicest supper, with roasted corn, steaks, and mozzarella tomato salad. We also had watermelon and red, white and blue jello to celebrate Memorial Day.
As we left their house, Martin suggested that we go and get an icy drink to enjoy while we watched TV.  Okay by me, we can get a crushed ice soda nearby for very little, and I love having one to sip on all night.  When Martin came out of the store, he surprised me with a milky way candy bar as well as a drink. Yes indeedy, he is feeling more chipper!
Tomorrow, I am going to make soap. I am so excited!  My friend Nancy is coming over too, and we are going to make soap together.  I really appreciate Nancy, she is my age and is from Kentucky and a country girl like me. We understand each other.  The first batch will be my trial run, and after that goes well, I am going to make different types. What I mean by this is that I will add different ingredients along with the basics of lard, water and lye, and fragrance.  The hardest part of soap making is having to wait for it to cure for 4 weeks after it has hardened.  You have to wait though, as it takes that long for the saponification, (the chemical change) process to fully finish. After that, you have creamy, wonderful homemade soap!
The Gentle Giant is kind of excited too. He remembers when the kids were little and I made all the soap that we used.  I think he is proud of me for wanting to keep my skills current. Well, I will report on my efforts tomorrow, and I truly hope I have a successful story to tell.

The Gentle Giant is still down in the dumps.  I wish I could snap my fingers and get him out of them, but I can't seem to.  We are one of those couples that share feelings mentally, and I can really feel his depression. It makes me feel anxious, because I  know he is not happy. It is the same thing, his job, his health, the workers comp situation. He is also in some pain since the biopsy, and he tells me he is afraid of what will be found. Again, nothing we can do about it right now, so let it go.
There is so much I could write about, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I did feel so sad today at church, as a song that was sung was one that was sung at Otto's funeral. I had to pray for strength, but a few tears leaked out anyway.  There are so many who are facing much worse trials than I am, and I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have it so bad.
We did sneak off and had dinner tonight at our favorite Chinese restaurant. It was like a little date, and I didn't want to refuse because I am trying to cheer Martin up.  I don't like to go out on Sunday, but I don't want to cause a difficulty either, and so when Martin asked me to go, well I just went. While we were there, the little waitress really impressed me. Although her service was good, that is not what I mean. She was so cheerful, her smile immense, and her attitude amazing. I could tell she was new in the country, and so many would have been frightened, but you could not tell with her.  I don't know what her history is, but whatever it is, she is grateful to be here in America, and it shows. I want to be like that. I want others to be impressed with my happy attitude, and influenced by my joy.  I want to bloom where I am planted, as this little waitress surely is.
My goal is to make each day the best ever. If I can do this, it will help Martin appreciate his life, and bring his mood up. We truly have so very much, and it is a shame to let anxiety ruin our lives.  Maybe I will get a Disney CD with some happy music- you know, "whistle while you work", and some of those from Cinderella.  I will get excited about each opportunity that comes my way.  You know, stuff like, "be happy with dirty dishes, at least you got to eat".  Time will tell, but until it does.I am making it my job to turn out  happy. 

The procedure

The Gentle Giant's procedure went well today. The doctor took a lung biopsy, took samples to culture, washed the bronchial tubes and took pictures. We won't have results until next week, but I am at peace, and believe that whatever is there we can deal with.  The doctor said he is not worried about cancer, but he does not know why the medications are not helping Martin, and indeed, his lung function continues to get worse instead of better. He did say that although we cannot cure Martin, perhaps we can improve his condition if he can figure out what is going on.
A wonderful blessing came to pass while I was in the waiting room. I met a woman and we began to talk about the church. She had no idea of how the church operated, but we talked for quite awhile and she learned a lot. She was so sweet, and told me I had blessed her by talking to her and clearing up some misconceptions she had.  I am happy to have had a missionary opportunity, and was quite pleased at how easy it was to talke to her. I found myself quoting some things from General Conference, and actually, I feel the spirit was helping me.
It is late, and I am up writing  because I cannot sleep. I am really tired, but sleep eludes me, so I will spend the time with you.
I talked to Martin today about going to some craft shows with some of my crafts, and he said he didn't think it would be feasible. I asked him not to discourage me, I feel that I can help out financially if I can find a way to sell my jewelry, bookmarks, jelly and homemade soap.
Oh, I forgot to tell you that I am making homemade soap. The soap I am going to make is made of water, lye and animal fat. I will add scented oil as well. I am doing this as part of utilizing my food storage. I used to make it all the time, and even used it exclusively when the kids were little.  I have researched and renewed my knowlege, and even Martin is getting in on the act.  He is so cute, I asked him to buy some scented oil for me the other day when he was out, and home he comes with not only scented oil, but some coloring and also some soap molds!  He then took me to get some lye, (necessary to make soap) and told me that once we got past his lung proceedure, we could get the lard and then get started.
I am going to ask the Feed Store Lady if she will let me put it in the feed store and see what happens. I know that I have quite a few irons in the fire, but that is me, and I am always thinking about how to help out financially.
So much to do, so much to think about! How grateful I am to have such a full life! Tomorrow, I hope to go to a neighborhood garage sale. It is close by, and I need some soap making items, like a stainless steel pot, a wooden spoon and other things that I will only use to make soap. After you make soap in something, you should never use it for anything else.  More tomorrow.

just a quick note

I just want to take a moment to say that tomorrow the Gentle Giant is having a biopsy on his lungs and some other tests done. I will write about the results if I have them, but at least to say that he did very well. I am a little concerned because he has to be put under, but I guess the doctors know what they are doing.  Till tomorrow.......

Grandkids keep you young!

The Gentle Giant and I are grandparents.  Having grandkids keeps you young, or at least it is turning out to be true for me!
Today, Martin had to:
1. Get an immunity shot
2. Take Eli to the dentist
3. Take Jaybird to get a physical
4. Take Jacob to swimming practice
5. Take Eli and Sissy to the airport to go and visit Aaron in Chicago
This meant that I was alone all day with Little Joe.  Little Joe is no problem, but he is a baby, one who is crawling like a cockroach and hard to keep up with!
Little Joe and I baked bread, baked muffins, did the laundry, cleaned the house and played.  Everything was going well, until suddenly, early in the afternoon, the cat was able to get up on the cookie jar shelf that is about 8 feet up. He picked his way along the cookie jars, and I had a heart attack!  When he got near to the end with no way to get down, I decided that I had to help him.  I got up on the couch and reached for him, but he backed away, moving a cookie jar to the edge. He then knocked a lid off another and stepped inside it, so that one back leg was in the cookie jar and the others out. I knew if he kicked his leg, that cookie jar was history, so I tried again to help him down. Bless his heart, he nimbly leapt from the shelf soaring onto the couch, giving me a look that said, "maybe I should help you get down!"
It was at this time that I decided to bake some banana muffins.  I mixed them up in the kitchen aide and put them in the oven. When the timer went off, I went to the oven, but then I heard a sloppy crash. Little Joe had knocked off a jar of apple butter from the bakers rack and was sitting in apple butter and broken glass. I lifted him up, checked him out, and saw that he had not been  hurt. It wasn't until I washed all the apple butter off of him that I saw a small cut on his knee. It was not serious, but I felt bad. I decided that I would have to better "baby proof" the house. I set him in his high chair, and cleaned up the mess, making sure I got all the glass. Fortunately, apple butter keeps the glass pretty close, so I didn't have a huge difficulty.  Oh gosh! The  muffins!  I yanked open the oven door, and saw that they were just a bit brown. That's okay.  The bus came and I got Jacob and Kayliegh off.  Kayleigh asked for a snack, and Jacob took little Joe out of the high chair.  I was putting another batch of muffins in the oven, when I heard a huge, CRASH!  When Jacob picked up Little Joe, Little Joe grabbed a glass jar from the baker's rack that was filled with scrabble tiles and it shattered, and I mean shattered, all over the kitchen floor. I uttered a profanity, the kids were surprised, and Jacob thought I was mad with him. I assurred that I was not, apologized for my language, told the kids to go watch TV and take the baby, and with a huge sigh, once again began to clean up glass.
It was everywhere, under everything, and all over the place. I swept and swept. I finally thought I had gotten it all, but no, there was some glass clear across into the living room. Our entire house is tiled, so that glass could really sail. I had to get out the big dust mop and go over all the floors near the kitchen. Little Joe started fussing for a bottle. I warmed one up, and wondered at the smell coming from the kitchen.  Oh gosh, the muffins!  Once again, I got there just in time. I took the bottle into the bedroom and fed Little Joe, and he decided that it wasn't enough. I had to rock him to calm him down, and the phone rang. It was the Gentle Giant. Before he could say anything, I said, "COME HOME NOW!"  He said "I'm  not going to ask. I'll be home in just a minute. Do you want a drink?"  I almost said, "yes, and make sure it is a stiff one", but I just asked him for a cold soda.  I collapsed into the recliner in my room, and heard someone in the living room. Shoot. Company. Great. But it turned out that it was great, because it was Nanamee coming to see Little  Joe.  Hallelujah!  Kayliegh's mama came and got her, Jacob went to swimming, Eli was home with his mama getting ready for the trip and  Nanamee had Little Joe! Next thing I knew, Martin asked if I wanted to go with them to the airport, and Nanamee said she would keep Little Joe so that I could go.  I got dressed really fast, and we were off.  Sissy even bought dinner for us!  We dropped Sissy and Eli off at the airport and came home to peace and quiet. I am now going to bed, happy as a clam.  Yes, grandchildren do keep you young.  Thank goodness!

He's a Stinker

The Gentle Giant is being a stinker.  He is in a bad mood because he is so worried.  We actually had an argument last night, and believe me that is unusual, because after almost 40 years, we have run out of stuff to argue about.
First of all, I was crabby because he left me, (and I thought he was coming right back) to take Jacob to swimming practice. I was making blueberry jelly, and had a huge pot of boiling jelly going on the stove. You have to stand right over it stirring constantly, and I never make jelly when I am alone with Little Joe because I can't give him my full attention.  Well, there I was, stirring a gallon of blueberry  jelly, with Little Joe hanging onto my leg because he wanted to be picked up. I put him off as long as possible, but finally had to dash and put  him in the high chair. He screamed at this abuse, he wanted to play. I had to leave him in his high chair because I had to pour the  jelly into jelly jars, and I was so afraid that some might spill on him while he was clinging to me. I  kept watching the window for Martin to get back, but time went by, jelly was poured and Little Joe screamed. After the jelly was safely poured and sealed, I put Little Joe back on the floor where he promptly pulled out all my baking sheets, took the alphabets off the fridge, put some paper in his mouth, (I had to sweep his mouth, and he screamed at me again) decided to chase the cat and on and on. My temper was growing, I mean, where was Martin anyway?
I still  had to clean up the jelly making pans and utensils, wipe the counters and stove, and try to make sure that each jar had sealed.  Some didn't. Little Joe got tired of chasing the cat and tried to go out of the doggie door. He couldn't get out of the doggie door because I had another door on the other side locked, but he kept trying and got frustrated.  More screaming.  Where is Martin?  Becky got home and took Little Joe with her, and I sat and waited for Martin. I tried to get my temper under control, after all, I don't want to be a shrew, but I wasn't having much luck.
Finally, he came in, all cheerful and the like, and I patiently asked him what had taken so long. He reminded me that he couln't leave Jacob alone at swimming practice, (that  made sense) but I told him that Sissy had told me that he was just to drop Jacob off.  I wouldn't have started that river of blueberry jelly if I thought I was going to be alone with Little Joe.  With my temper already on the burner, things escalated, and the next thing I knew we were carping at each other.  We finally went to bed, me in tears, him snoring.
This morning I had to re-cook the jelly that did not seal, and of course, Little Joe was underfoot. I called Martin to take him and got a sarcastic look that clearly read, "what? can't you even take care of a little baby? You have to get me up?"  I almost blew a gasket, and then I finished what I was doing and went to sit down with Martin. We talked about why he was being such a jackass, (well, I was being one too, but that doesn't count, does it?!!) I found out that he was so frustrated with the worker's comp decision, he was nervous about the proceedure he was  having done on Friday, (they are going to take a lung biopsy, culture the bacteria and take pictures of his airways) because  he was afraid of what they would find, and worried about what we would do if he did not get another contract for the new school year. After we discussed each topic in detail, we decided that we couldn't do anything about any of it, and we had to put it in Heavenly Father's hands. I broke down and asked him to forgive me for being grouchy the day before, and things got on a better level between us.
I hate to see him like this. I have decided one thing though, we have the opportunity to learn to live very frugally in preparation for the time when he does not have an income or he has to retire. It is hard, because I am very spoiled, but each day gets easier. At least we have this time to become accustomed to a strict budget, we have a great food storage and the house is paid for. We can make it because we always have. If we don't communicate though, we will be angry and that will undermine everything.  So, he is a stinker, but I can understand. Funny though, I am not allowed to be a stinker, it is up to me to redirect the crabby behavior and set the tone of the house. I am woman, hear me roar!

Loving Arms

Oh, how hard it is to be human sometimes. I want to be the strong, in-charge, go-getting superwoman that I  used to be, but she is not always available!  I want to be the lead oxen, to pull the load, to uplift, uphold, and support everyone and everything around me.  There was a time that I had a full time job, 5 children, a husband in college and holding a full time job, held church callings, participated in girl scouts, ran the house, raised a garden, raised animals and so much  more. I slept hard, worked hard and charged out of the gate each day as if I were invincible.
For the last 20 years, I have been taught the limits of the human body. I have been tested with illness, loss of children, loss of home through fire and hurricane and so much more. Through it all, I had my loving web of support, my family, friends and dear loved ones to walk through it all.  In spite of the inablility to continue my life as I had before, I could not give up the notion that I was the one who was leading the pack.
Oh my goodness, the lesson has come home.
How hard it is to let others help  you. How hard it is to release your will and depend on someone else, instead of being the hero.  I truly believe that learning to let go and let others be there, to give of their love and their time and whatever else they can give is a truly celestial goal.
I find so much joy when I can do something for someone else. My heart glows and beats with joy when mine are the hands that serve, help, and donate. I have often been told to "learn to say no", and to let others take part, but I want that feeling of complete joy and spiritual fullness that comes when someone thanks you for your sincere effort on their behalf.
Today, I became ill at church.  My blood sugar levels dropped very low, and I became faint, and with the help of a dear friend, barely made it to a chair. The panic that I felt was so intense, the desperation to not collapse in front of people and the fear of shame and exposure were too much to bear. Soon, my conciousness began to wane, and I had  no choice but to accept the enevitable. I remember saying, "I am going to pass out", and then seemed to slip into a dark void.  This is not the first time this has happened, indeed, it happens all the time, but usually with Martin or the family, who know what to do and how to help me.
Today however, other arms and hearts reached out for me.  Somehow, I kept asking for Becky, and she was summoned, and took over. She instructed others to get some ice and a cold compress, to find something to elevate my sugar, and to calm the people who witnessed the incident.  Becky produced some baby food fruit puree, forced it between my lips, while others wiped my face and arms with compresses.  Soon, I began to regain conciousness. I was very confused, but worse, very frightened. I was frightened that my Sunday School children had seen what happened. I was afraid that maybe I had fallen on someone, and afraid for so many other reasons.  Beneath it all, I was comfortable. Something strong and sure supported me, and another voice of reason spoke softly but strongly to bring me back to reason, speaking words of authority on my behalf. Other slender hands held mine and spoke to me, and  yet other hands wiped the tears from my face. I heard a tiny voice ask if I was being given a blessing. My precious Becky was constant in my vision, her voice and touch my lifeline.
As my vision cleared, I saw the kindest, most loving eyes and faces. Everyone was so concerned for me. No hint of mockery was there, only the desire that I be allright. My tears started again, but they were tears of gratitude.
I realized that the strong support was a dear brother who is blessed with size and strength, who seemed easibly able to keep me from falling. The voice of reason was  another brother who is a medical professional, who gave his love and knowlege unhesitatingly. The slender hands belonged to my visiting teacher, her comforting words a blanket of security, the tiny voice her little daughter who I had just taught in Sunday School.  My lifeline was Becky, who's confident knowing manner lead me back to reason.
The time has come in my life to embrace the change that comes with human fraility. I am so blessed to have my web of love and support. I know that even though I could have been the butt of gossip, I never will be. I know that those who reached out for me today, will be there again if I need them. I can pass the mantle of control to such loving arms, and instead of basking in the glory of service, I can bask in the gratitude of having others to help as much as I want to help.
With all those loving arms, I knew, absolutely knew, that I was loved. I have walked through another door in my life, finally at the age of 57, to the knowlege that I don't have to do it all. Others are willing to assist  me in this new chapter of my life, as I have always been willing to assist. What a glorious concept it is to know that I am loved.