Limbo

I feel like I am in limbo. I pray and pray about Martin's situation, and even though I know that Heavenly Father is trying to answer me, I can't be mentally still to understand the message. What is he trying to tell me? How is he trying to prepare me? What am I supposed to do to learn from this time in my life? I learned a long time ago not to just say, "heal him". When Bobbie Jo was sick, I just assumed that since I did all I could to live righteously, then Heavenly Father would heal her. I surely had enough faith to make sure she would survive the ravening cancer- and I even had the audacity to tell Heavenly Father the right plan for her. I could not imagine her dying and leaving her son and husband. A loving Heavenly Father would not require that of me, right? Unfortunately, that trial was not about me. I got on my knees when I began to understand that she would not live, and asked (told) Heavenly Father to take me instead. I was so sincere, that I realized that I should have left Martin a note so that he would understand what happened when he found my lifeless body, and Bobbie Jo was miraculously cured. I had an epiphany that night- I clearly came to understand that I had no control over someone else's fate, even if she was my precious daughter. I learned that her trial was the cancer, and my trial was helping her through her trial and not losing my testimony and faith when the unimaginable outcome came to be.

So, I am trying to understand that this is not my trial either, simply that I am here to support, uphold and love Martin as he experiences this personal trial of illness and possible death. I do pray many times a day that he will be allowed to stay with me for awhile, but what I will pray for know is that he can understand what he is to learn and how he is to grow while enduring this personal trial. I have put my fear away, and taken out the curiousity needed to seek out the blessings and opportunities that have and will certainly continue to come into our lives.

At one time, I too, faced death. That has been 15 years ago, and although the pain and fear of knowing that I could possibly leave this earth and my family behind has dimmed and has almost been forgotten, I do remember the wonder and gratitude when I awoke and found that I was still here and eventually understood that I had many years left. The best thing I can do now, is to remember that experience. I walked through it, not knowing if I would live, and hoping that I had done enough in my life to not have wasted my earthly opportunity. I changed a great deal after surviving a terminal declaration- I am so much better, more loving and much wiser. Why would I deny that for Martin?

I pray each day, but now I pray that Martin will understand what he is to learn and what he is to do. I smile, rub his feet, cut his toenails, keep his clothes neat and fix his favorite meals. That may sound subservient, but I am happy to do it, as I always have been, especially knowing that I may not be able to do it for much longer. Every touch of our hands, each kiss, every deep gaze into his eyes, each time I wash his back, is so much more special, so precious to me. I hope that when this is over and he is still with me after a successful attempt to fix his heart, that I will continue to cherish each moment with him. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn, to know how precious true love is, how eternal. Each day feels like limbo to me-my vision is so narrow. My life clock is set to that time when he will or will not survive this trial. I am walking through a dark, but not endless tunnel. The journey will end one of two ways- either I will lose him until we are reunited together in Heaven, or I will keep him and continue to live, love and e njoy him. I will find the end of the tunnel, and when do, I hope that whatever the outcome is, I will understand who I am, and what I need to do to continue my own personal journey in the best possible way: that way being the will of my Heavenly Father.