We have made it through another day. Martin took the boys to the movies, and while I worry when he is not with me that something will happen, I also appreciate the fact that he wants to be normal in every way. He did have an attack in the movies. He used his nitro-spray and it subsided. Now, you may think that all these attacks are serious. They are. But, I called the doctor again and was told that we cannot do anything until the artery heals up some. So, each day, I wait and hope that he will get through, and when he gets an attack of arm and shoulder pain, I hope the nitro-spray will calm things down. Gosh, I never thought that I would be experiencing something like this. I have even forgot to worry about the fact that his job is trying to terminate him because he is too sick from the lung damage that occurred on the job. I have forgotten to worry about his worker's comp claim, which we so need to cover his medical expenses from the lung damage. I don't think about him having so much trouble breathing or that his lung capacity is at 39% right now. All I think about is if the next attack is the big one. Again, the positive part of my mind assures me that he will make it until they can perform the "roto-blade" proceedure, where they actuall drill out the blockage. The negative part of me keeps whining about what happens if he doesn't make it that far. And then, there is sunny, happy, cheerful Little Joe. He, of course, is oblivious to any problems in this life. All he knows is that he is loved and cared for. He grins and giggles all the time. When I pick him up, he grasps me as hard as he can as if to show me that he is there and he loves me. His little eyes sparkle with good humor, and he squeals in joy when I talk to him. He is in my life to help me through this trial. How can I ever be despondent when I have such a bundle of joy to share my days? Today, Little Joe figured out how to spit his food out at me when I am feeding him. He thinks that is so funny, as the food flies and dribbles down his chin. I guess my kids did that when they were little, but I really don't remember it like this. He waits until I have a spoonful in his mouth, and goes, "brrrrr"with his lips. Good thing we didn't get to the sweetpotatoes today! Well, I'll work on it. It doesn't matter anyway, it just makes a memory that I can taunt him with when he is older!
My anti-stress trick is to get on Ebay and look at cookie jars. I am not buying them now, (well unless I just have to have that particular one), but I love to go down the list for the day and see what new ones have been listed. I used to sneak and do it, because I didn't want Martin to crab at me for looking at new cookie jars when I already have so many. My family doesn't mind pointing that out either, so, I would just make sure I was alone and enjoy myself when they were not looking. To my great surprise, one day, when Martin was at work, before the students came to class, he called me and asked me to look on Ebay for a particular cookie jar. I did, and it was one I had been wanting for some time. I asked him how he knew to look for one on Ebay, and he said he did it every day, hoping to find a cookie jar that I might like. After that, we would spend about a half hour each day, looking at cookie jars together. So, with the guilt layed aside, I can freely peruse the cookie jars at my leisure. In particular, when I am very anxious, I find solace in the cookie jar postings. I don't know why, I just do. Lately, I have been visiting the Ebay cookie jar site often. The ones that I want to add to my collection are very collectable and are very expensive, and I will not pay the price asked by the other collectors. Often, I find a very expensive cookie jar at a garage sale or thrift store for only a few dollars, and that is how I have purchased some of my most expensive cookie jars. Anyway, today, Little Joe sat on my lap while I looked on Ebay. He loved the colors and seemed to enjoy being there with me. Maybe he will be my cookie jar buddy. Eli is always on the look-out for cookie jars for me too. He loves to point them out at the thrift stores, and one time he found one for 5 dollars that cost over 80 dollars on ebay. For my birthday, mother's day or christmas, he always wants to know if I have seen a cookie jar that I would like to have. He tells me that he will earn the money for it. This Christmas, he and Jacob gave me a stage coach cookie jar that Sissy had to bid for at the school carnival. They were so excited when the won the bid, and the poor little things had to keep the secret for weeks. But, they did, and I was wonderfully surprised! I guess I am rambling on about my cookie jar passion, so that I can express how I decompress when things get too overwhelming. In addition to looking at them on Ebay, I go into my living room and dining room and admire the ones I already have. They are like friends to me. I guess it is silly, but I do love them. They bring happy memories to me, and to others who come and look at my collection. Everyone has a favorite, and tell me why. I just love them all, and all of those especially that were given to me because someone knew how much it would mean to me.
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