He Is Feeling Better

The Gentle Giant went fishing today!  He, Robby, David and Shane took the boat out very early in the morning and went fishing in the bay. I am sooo happy that this has happened, it is something that will get Martin back on his feet emotionally. He loves to fish. He doesn't eat the fish, but gives it away. He only likes the challenge of catching the fish, the comeradarie of other fishermen, and being out on the water.
I don't particulary like to go fishing, well, I do, but not at 4 in the morning. The men don't really like a woman going either, I guess they can't really be "themselves" meaning "acting like the guys".  They also can't pee off the side of the boat if I am there, and that makes it awkward, (Iguess).
He came home happy. He caught 3 nice fish and enjoyed the day. I loved seeing him smile while relating his day, it was like sunshine beaming in the house.  A bit later, we went and got snowcones together.  What fun!
After a nap, we went to David's house for dinner. Natalie made the nicest supper, with roasted corn, steaks, and mozzarella tomato salad. We also had watermelon and red, white and blue jello to celebrate Memorial Day.
As we left their house, Martin suggested that we go and get an icy drink to enjoy while we watched TV.  Okay by me, we can get a crushed ice soda nearby for very little, and I love having one to sip on all night.  When Martin came out of the store, he surprised me with a milky way candy bar as well as a drink. Yes indeedy, he is feeling more chipper!
Tomorrow, I am going to make soap. I am so excited!  My friend Nancy is coming over too, and we are going to make soap together.  I really appreciate Nancy, she is my age and is from Kentucky and a country girl like me. We understand each other.  The first batch will be my trial run, and after that goes well, I am going to make different types. What I mean by this is that I will add different ingredients along with the basics of lard, water and lye, and fragrance.  The hardest part of soap making is having to wait for it to cure for 4 weeks after it has hardened.  You have to wait though, as it takes that long for the saponification, (the chemical change) process to fully finish. After that, you have creamy, wonderful homemade soap!
The Gentle Giant is kind of excited too. He remembers when the kids were little and I made all the soap that we used.  I think he is proud of me for wanting to keep my skills current. Well, I will report on my efforts tomorrow, and I truly hope I have a successful story to tell.

The Gentle Giant is still down in the dumps.  I wish I could snap my fingers and get him out of them, but I can't seem to.  We are one of those couples that share feelings mentally, and I can really feel his depression. It makes me feel anxious, because I  know he is not happy. It is the same thing, his job, his health, the workers comp situation. He is also in some pain since the biopsy, and he tells me he is afraid of what will be found. Again, nothing we can do about it right now, so let it go.
There is so much I could write about, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I did feel so sad today at church, as a song that was sung was one that was sung at Otto's funeral. I had to pray for strength, but a few tears leaked out anyway.  There are so many who are facing much worse trials than I am, and I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have it so bad.
We did sneak off and had dinner tonight at our favorite Chinese restaurant. It was like a little date, and I didn't want to refuse because I am trying to cheer Martin up.  I don't like to go out on Sunday, but I don't want to cause a difficulty either, and so when Martin asked me to go, well I just went. While we were there, the little waitress really impressed me. Although her service was good, that is not what I mean. She was so cheerful, her smile immense, and her attitude amazing. I could tell she was new in the country, and so many would have been frightened, but you could not tell with her.  I don't know what her history is, but whatever it is, she is grateful to be here in America, and it shows. I want to be like that. I want others to be impressed with my happy attitude, and influenced by my joy.  I want to bloom where I am planted, as this little waitress surely is.
My goal is to make each day the best ever. If I can do this, it will help Martin appreciate his life, and bring his mood up. We truly have so very much, and it is a shame to let anxiety ruin our lives.  Maybe I will get a Disney CD with some happy music- you know, "whistle while you work", and some of those from Cinderella.  I will get excited about each opportunity that comes my way.  You know, stuff like, "be happy with dirty dishes, at least you got to eat".  Time will tell, but until it does.I am making it my job to turn out  happy. 

The procedure

The Gentle Giant's procedure went well today. The doctor took a lung biopsy, took samples to culture, washed the bronchial tubes and took pictures. We won't have results until next week, but I am at peace, and believe that whatever is there we can deal with.  The doctor said he is not worried about cancer, but he does not know why the medications are not helping Martin, and indeed, his lung function continues to get worse instead of better. He did say that although we cannot cure Martin, perhaps we can improve his condition if he can figure out what is going on.
A wonderful blessing came to pass while I was in the waiting room. I met a woman and we began to talk about the church. She had no idea of how the church operated, but we talked for quite awhile and she learned a lot. She was so sweet, and told me I had blessed her by talking to her and clearing up some misconceptions she had.  I am happy to have had a missionary opportunity, and was quite pleased at how easy it was to talke to her. I found myself quoting some things from General Conference, and actually, I feel the spirit was helping me.
It is late, and I am up writing  because I cannot sleep. I am really tired, but sleep eludes me, so I will spend the time with you.
I talked to Martin today about going to some craft shows with some of my crafts, and he said he didn't think it would be feasible. I asked him not to discourage me, I feel that I can help out financially if I can find a way to sell my jewelry, bookmarks, jelly and homemade soap.
Oh, I forgot to tell you that I am making homemade soap. The soap I am going to make is made of water, lye and animal fat. I will add scented oil as well. I am doing this as part of utilizing my food storage. I used to make it all the time, and even used it exclusively when the kids were little.  I have researched and renewed my knowlege, and even Martin is getting in on the act.  He is so cute, I asked him to buy some scented oil for me the other day when he was out, and home he comes with not only scented oil, but some coloring and also some soap molds!  He then took me to get some lye, (necessary to make soap) and told me that once we got past his lung proceedure, we could get the lard and then get started.
I am going to ask the Feed Store Lady if she will let me put it in the feed store and see what happens. I know that I have quite a few irons in the fire, but that is me, and I am always thinking about how to help out financially.
So much to do, so much to think about! How grateful I am to have such a full life! Tomorrow, I hope to go to a neighborhood garage sale. It is close by, and I need some soap making items, like a stainless steel pot, a wooden spoon and other things that I will only use to make soap. After you make soap in something, you should never use it for anything else.  More tomorrow.

just a quick note

I just want to take a moment to say that tomorrow the Gentle Giant is having a biopsy on his lungs and some other tests done. I will write about the results if I have them, but at least to say that he did very well. I am a little concerned because he has to be put under, but I guess the doctors know what they are doing.  Till tomorrow.......

Grandkids keep you young!

The Gentle Giant and I are grandparents.  Having grandkids keeps you young, or at least it is turning out to be true for me!
Today, Martin had to:
1. Get an immunity shot
2. Take Eli to the dentist
3. Take Jaybird to get a physical
4. Take Jacob to swimming practice
5. Take Eli and Sissy to the airport to go and visit Aaron in Chicago
This meant that I was alone all day with Little Joe.  Little Joe is no problem, but he is a baby, one who is crawling like a cockroach and hard to keep up with!
Little Joe and I baked bread, baked muffins, did the laundry, cleaned the house and played.  Everything was going well, until suddenly, early in the afternoon, the cat was able to get up on the cookie jar shelf that is about 8 feet up. He picked his way along the cookie jars, and I had a heart attack!  When he got near to the end with no way to get down, I decided that I had to help him.  I got up on the couch and reached for him, but he backed away, moving a cookie jar to the edge. He then knocked a lid off another and stepped inside it, so that one back leg was in the cookie jar and the others out. I knew if he kicked his leg, that cookie jar was history, so I tried again to help him down. Bless his heart, he nimbly leapt from the shelf soaring onto the couch, giving me a look that said, "maybe I should help you get down!"
It was at this time that I decided to bake some banana muffins.  I mixed them up in the kitchen aide and put them in the oven. When the timer went off, I went to the oven, but then I heard a sloppy crash. Little Joe had knocked off a jar of apple butter from the bakers rack and was sitting in apple butter and broken glass. I lifted him up, checked him out, and saw that he had not been  hurt. It wasn't until I washed all the apple butter off of him that I saw a small cut on his knee. It was not serious, but I felt bad. I decided that I would have to better "baby proof" the house. I set him in his high chair, and cleaned up the mess, making sure I got all the glass. Fortunately, apple butter keeps the glass pretty close, so I didn't have a huge difficulty.  Oh gosh! The  muffins!  I yanked open the oven door, and saw that they were just a bit brown. That's okay.  The bus came and I got Jacob and Kayliegh off.  Kayleigh asked for a snack, and Jacob took little Joe out of the high chair.  I was putting another batch of muffins in the oven, when I heard a huge, CRASH!  When Jacob picked up Little Joe, Little Joe grabbed a glass jar from the baker's rack that was filled with scrabble tiles and it shattered, and I mean shattered, all over the kitchen floor. I uttered a profanity, the kids were surprised, and Jacob thought I was mad with him. I assurred that I was not, apologized for my language, told the kids to go watch TV and take the baby, and with a huge sigh, once again began to clean up glass.
It was everywhere, under everything, and all over the place. I swept and swept. I finally thought I had gotten it all, but no, there was some glass clear across into the living room. Our entire house is tiled, so that glass could really sail. I had to get out the big dust mop and go over all the floors near the kitchen. Little Joe started fussing for a bottle. I warmed one up, and wondered at the smell coming from the kitchen.  Oh gosh, the muffins!  Once again, I got there just in time. I took the bottle into the bedroom and fed Little Joe, and he decided that it wasn't enough. I had to rock him to calm him down, and the phone rang. It was the Gentle Giant. Before he could say anything, I said, "COME HOME NOW!"  He said "I'm  not going to ask. I'll be home in just a minute. Do you want a drink?"  I almost said, "yes, and make sure it is a stiff one", but I just asked him for a cold soda.  I collapsed into the recliner in my room, and heard someone in the living room. Shoot. Company. Great. But it turned out that it was great, because it was Nanamee coming to see Little  Joe.  Hallelujah!  Kayliegh's mama came and got her, Jacob went to swimming, Eli was home with his mama getting ready for the trip and  Nanamee had Little Joe! Next thing I knew, Martin asked if I wanted to go with them to the airport, and Nanamee said she would keep Little Joe so that I could go.  I got dressed really fast, and we were off.  Sissy even bought dinner for us!  We dropped Sissy and Eli off at the airport and came home to peace and quiet. I am now going to bed, happy as a clam.  Yes, grandchildren do keep you young.  Thank goodness!

He's a Stinker

The Gentle Giant is being a stinker.  He is in a bad mood because he is so worried.  We actually had an argument last night, and believe me that is unusual, because after almost 40 years, we have run out of stuff to argue about.
First of all, I was crabby because he left me, (and I thought he was coming right back) to take Jacob to swimming practice. I was making blueberry jelly, and had a huge pot of boiling jelly going on the stove. You have to stand right over it stirring constantly, and I never make jelly when I am alone with Little Joe because I can't give him my full attention.  Well, there I was, stirring a gallon of blueberry  jelly, with Little Joe hanging onto my leg because he wanted to be picked up. I put him off as long as possible, but finally had to dash and put  him in the high chair. He screamed at this abuse, he wanted to play. I had to leave him in his high chair because I had to pour the  jelly into jelly jars, and I was so afraid that some might spill on him while he was clinging to me. I  kept watching the window for Martin to get back, but time went by, jelly was poured and Little Joe screamed. After the jelly was safely poured and sealed, I put Little Joe back on the floor where he promptly pulled out all my baking sheets, took the alphabets off the fridge, put some paper in his mouth, (I had to sweep his mouth, and he screamed at me again) decided to chase the cat and on and on. My temper was growing, I mean, where was Martin anyway?
I still  had to clean up the jelly making pans and utensils, wipe the counters and stove, and try to make sure that each jar had sealed.  Some didn't. Little Joe got tired of chasing the cat and tried to go out of the doggie door. He couldn't get out of the doggie door because I had another door on the other side locked, but he kept trying and got frustrated.  More screaming.  Where is Martin?  Becky got home and took Little Joe with her, and I sat and waited for Martin. I tried to get my temper under control, after all, I don't want to be a shrew, but I wasn't having much luck.
Finally, he came in, all cheerful and the like, and I patiently asked him what had taken so long. He reminded me that he couln't leave Jacob alone at swimming practice, (that  made sense) but I told him that Sissy had told me that he was just to drop Jacob off.  I wouldn't have started that river of blueberry jelly if I thought I was going to be alone with Little Joe.  With my temper already on the burner, things escalated, and the next thing I knew we were carping at each other.  We finally went to bed, me in tears, him snoring.
This morning I had to re-cook the jelly that did not seal, and of course, Little Joe was underfoot. I called Martin to take him and got a sarcastic look that clearly read, "what? can't you even take care of a little baby? You have to get me up?"  I almost blew a gasket, and then I finished what I was doing and went to sit down with Martin. We talked about why he was being such a jackass, (well, I was being one too, but that doesn't count, does it?!!) I found out that he was so frustrated with the worker's comp decision, he was nervous about the proceedure he was  having done on Friday, (they are going to take a lung biopsy, culture the bacteria and take pictures of his airways) because  he was afraid of what they would find, and worried about what we would do if he did not get another contract for the new school year. After we discussed each topic in detail, we decided that we couldn't do anything about any of it, and we had to put it in Heavenly Father's hands. I broke down and asked him to forgive me for being grouchy the day before, and things got on a better level between us.
I hate to see him like this. I have decided one thing though, we have the opportunity to learn to live very frugally in preparation for the time when he does not have an income or he has to retire. It is hard, because I am very spoiled, but each day gets easier. At least we have this time to become accustomed to a strict budget, we have a great food storage and the house is paid for. We can make it because we always have. If we don't communicate though, we will be angry and that will undermine everything.  So, he is a stinker, but I can understand. Funny though, I am not allowed to be a stinker, it is up to me to redirect the crabby behavior and set the tone of the house. I am woman, hear me roar!

Loving Arms

Oh, how hard it is to be human sometimes. I want to be the strong, in-charge, go-getting superwoman that I  used to be, but she is not always available!  I want to be the lead oxen, to pull the load, to uplift, uphold, and support everyone and everything around me.  There was a time that I had a full time job, 5 children, a husband in college and holding a full time job, held church callings, participated in girl scouts, ran the house, raised a garden, raised animals and so much  more. I slept hard, worked hard and charged out of the gate each day as if I were invincible.
For the last 20 years, I have been taught the limits of the human body. I have been tested with illness, loss of children, loss of home through fire and hurricane and so much more. Through it all, I had my loving web of support, my family, friends and dear loved ones to walk through it all.  In spite of the inablility to continue my life as I had before, I could not give up the notion that I was the one who was leading the pack.
Oh my goodness, the lesson has come home.
How hard it is to let others help  you. How hard it is to release your will and depend on someone else, instead of being the hero.  I truly believe that learning to let go and let others be there, to give of their love and their time and whatever else they can give is a truly celestial goal.
I find so much joy when I can do something for someone else. My heart glows and beats with joy when mine are the hands that serve, help, and donate. I have often been told to "learn to say no", and to let others take part, but I want that feeling of complete joy and spiritual fullness that comes when someone thanks you for your sincere effort on their behalf.
Today, I became ill at church.  My blood sugar levels dropped very low, and I became faint, and with the help of a dear friend, barely made it to a chair. The panic that I felt was so intense, the desperation to not collapse in front of people and the fear of shame and exposure were too much to bear. Soon, my conciousness began to wane, and I had  no choice but to accept the enevitable. I remember saying, "I am going to pass out", and then seemed to slip into a dark void.  This is not the first time this has happened, indeed, it happens all the time, but usually with Martin or the family, who know what to do and how to help me.
Today however, other arms and hearts reached out for me.  Somehow, I kept asking for Becky, and she was summoned, and took over. She instructed others to get some ice and a cold compress, to find something to elevate my sugar, and to calm the people who witnessed the incident.  Becky produced some baby food fruit puree, forced it between my lips, while others wiped my face and arms with compresses.  Soon, I began to regain conciousness. I was very confused, but worse, very frightened. I was frightened that my Sunday School children had seen what happened. I was afraid that maybe I had fallen on someone, and afraid for so many other reasons.  Beneath it all, I was comfortable. Something strong and sure supported me, and another voice of reason spoke softly but strongly to bring me back to reason, speaking words of authority on my behalf. Other slender hands held mine and spoke to me, and  yet other hands wiped the tears from my face. I heard a tiny voice ask if I was being given a blessing. My precious Becky was constant in my vision, her voice and touch my lifeline.
As my vision cleared, I saw the kindest, most loving eyes and faces. Everyone was so concerned for me. No hint of mockery was there, only the desire that I be allright. My tears started again, but they were tears of gratitude.
I realized that the strong support was a dear brother who is blessed with size and strength, who seemed easibly able to keep me from falling. The voice of reason was  another brother who is a medical professional, who gave his love and knowlege unhesitatingly. The slender hands belonged to my visiting teacher, her comforting words a blanket of security, the tiny voice her little daughter who I had just taught in Sunday School.  My lifeline was Becky, who's confident knowing manner lead me back to reason.
The time has come in my life to embrace the change that comes with human fraility. I am so blessed to have my web of love and support. I know that even though I could have been the butt of gossip, I never will be. I know that those who reached out for me today, will be there again if I need them. I can pass the mantle of control to such loving arms, and instead of basking in the glory of service, I can bask in the gratitude of having others to help as much as I want to help.
With all those loving arms, I knew, absolutely knew, that I was loved. I have walked through another door in my life, finally at the age of 57, to the knowlege that I don't have to do it all. Others are willing to assist  me in this new chapter of my life, as I have always been willing to assist. What a glorious concept it is to know that I am loved.

discouragement

Lately, I have been lax in reporting information on the Gentle Giant. There is so much going on, but I still need to focus on what Martin is going through. 
He is really struggling. He is so disapointed about the denial for workers comp.  He feels that it is his fault, that perhaps he didn't present himself very well at the hearing, maybe he appeared to be ignorant of the facts. I told him that he did very well, that the facts have been skewed, and that for some reason, the hearing officer did not understand our case.  He feels that maybe we will never get help, and worries about what will happen when the summer is over.  He is having difficulty accepting the fact that after almost 20 years, the school can just throw him away. He feels unappreciated by them.
He is also having so much difficulty breathing. I found him in tears the other night, tears of frustration, fear and uncertainty.  He feels that he is useless, that he is not the man he should be and that he has let me and his family down.
That is so much to carry on his shoulders.  How I wish that I could  make him understand that we love and respect him more now that ever before, that we are honored to serve him, and want him to know how proud we are of him.
Things do appear very grim.  The college has not offered him a position for next year, and the medical bills are growing.  When I try to come to some sort of sense of everything, it it like a huge monster is threatening both of us.
Now is the time to have blind faith. We cannot see the plan of our Heavenly Father, but as in times past, we will perservere, will prosper and will have peace.  Looking back on past trials, trials that were absolutely something that we could never overcome, and yet were able too, I know that this too will find it's way the way it's supposed to.
Our lives have changed. All lives do, but change is so hard sometimes.  Even so, if the change is something Heaven sent, then it is something that will enhance our lives for the better.  No, we cannot see the future, have no way of knowing how it will turn out, and so the best thing is to enjoy each day, each moment as it comes.
I want the Gentle Giant to know that even though his temporal possessions are affected, the spiritual ones are only growing stronger.  We are together in this struggle, I am thankful for that. Our lives have come to sharing moments, memories and not expecting our will for the future. I pray that we can walk this path, free ourselves of pity and anger, and be the children that Heavenly Father has taught us to be. A year from now, things will be so very different than what they are today, and I pray that I can report positively, the changes and growth that Martin and I will have made.

An Earlier Special Post with the Veteran

My hands are as heavy as my heart. Today, we found out that they have AGAIN pushed our workers comp hearing back another 7 weeks. Martin really needs the financial help from workers comp, as the co-pays from the prescriptions are really difficult to meet. I cannot understand why this has been so difficult, but it has, except for the part where Heavenly Father has blessed us. On Friday last, we heard the decision for the termination hearing came back in Martin's favor. The chancelor can still have him terminated, but at least the hearing officer saw the unjustness of them trying to fire Martin after he became ill on the job. We are now awaiting the decision from the chancellor- it is like being in limbo.

Okay, I am going to stop whining. Let me tell you about the happy things in my life. Simple things, but important to keep us going.

On Saturday, at Walmart, we met a veteran from Pearl Harbor. He was very elderly, but so sweet, and I could not help thanking him, with tears in my eyes, for his part in history. He thanked me back for caring about it, and then I asked him if I could take a picture of him with Little Joe. He gladly agreed, and we have a wonderful piece of history on film, generations apart, but so precious together. I am going to send it to the "Stars and Stripes" which is a newpaper for American service personel.

Today, I made bread again. I actually got my first payment for my bread, and I put it away to buy more wheat in the near future. I will continue to make my bread, and hopefully, sell some more.

The kids and I went to the park this afternoon after school. The weather was so incredible, and Little Joe got to swing at the park for the first time. Eli, Jacob and Kayleigh were so helpful, (almost too helpful, if you know what I mean) each one wanting to push Little Joe in the stroller or on the swing. After a bit, I just sat and held Little Joe and watched the kids playing, and thanking Heavenly Father for such wonderful blessings. While we were at the park, Martin made cornbread to go with the potato soup we were going to have for dinner. Now, when Martin makes cornbread, he could actually feed an army! Sure enough, when I got back from the park, there was a huge mound of golden crispy cornbread sticks, triangles and squares. I know better than to ask why he always makes so much, I guess it is because he really loves cornbread! Well, even when he is "cornbreaded out" the birds will have a nice meal.

Writing tonight has lifted my heart. I know the future is uncertain, but after a year and a half, I also know that Heavenly Father is with us. It will be interesting to see how things come about, and I will keep you informed. Thanks for supporting me, it means so much.

Hot Dog Night

The Gentle Giant went fishing today. He caught 2 fish and cut his hand on another one. He is stubborn, and just cleaned the cut and went on with his day.  I know of many instances where a puncture injury from a fish fin has caused a real problem, but he won't listen. We will see.
Today is a special day in the lives of the See family.  It is .89 hot dog day at the James Coney Island hot dog restaurant, and James Coney Island has the best hot dogs in the world, (in my opinion).  Every year, the restaurant discounts their  hot dogs in celebration of how long they have been around. They do this once a month for three months, and our whole family has it marked on the calendar. With everyone in the family there, we practically take up the whole place, and it is noisy and fun.  I can't eat hot dogs, but I always have the cheese fries with a mound of onions.  James Coney Island is  known for it's fabulous onions, they are treated to be very mild, sweet and crunchy.  When I got my cheese fries, I asked for onions, but they put an insultingly small amount on them.  I asked for some more onions, and they gave me a small (1/4 cup) container.  I piled them on. It was soooo good, and I really enjoyed my dinner, but all too soon, they were gone.  Everyone else was still eating hotdogs, and there I sat, with an empty plate of what was a plate of heaven.
Sissy showed up late, and when she walked in, I got an idea.  I sent one of the kids over to tell her that I wanted some cheese fries and onions, and she nodded with a knowing look on her face. I knew not to tell her that I had already had some, she would have refused to get me some more, so, "don't ask, don't tell".
When she ordered the fries, she said to put a bunch of onions on them.  The server asked her if she was with our group and she said yes, and then the server asked her who the onions were for. Sissy told her they were for me and told her how much I loved the onions. The next thing she knew, the server got a big scoop and covered the fries, top to bottom, with onions. Sissy looked a bit confused, but I knew. They didn't want me coming back asking for more onions. 
When I was pregnant with  Aaron, (33 years ago) we lived near a James Coney Island.  I craved those onions so badly, they were all I could think of.  Martin was so sweet, he would stop and get me a bowl of onions and put a small amount of chili on top. It was heaven.
When we were dating, James Coney Island charged .25 for a hot dog, (they are 1.50 today) or 5 for a dollar.  That was something we could afford, and we ate there when we could. We have such sweet memories of sharing hot dogs, (mine with onions) and we love to tell the children about how cheap it was.
James Coney Island's first restaurant was downtown in Houston. It was started in the '30s, (I think) and the atmosphere never changed.  We had to take a bus to get there, but it was all part of our special hot dog date.  There are many locations now, but the downtown location was always so special to us.  The last time we ate there was the day they sentenced the  man that killed Otto. The family was together that day, and we just wanted to get some joy after such a horrendous experience, so we left the court house and walked to James Coney Island. It was very cold that day, but we didn't mind, we knew the walk would be worth it.  Soon after that day, they closed that location. It was sad for us when they did, we would have continued to go. Whenever we go to any James Coney Island, the kids ask us to tell them about the "old days" when we went downtown.  We did that tonight.  Another special blessing, the gift of memory. I went home with a happy heart, not so much from the onions, (they will be with me all night if I don't get an alka-seltzer) but the warm feeling of happy memories and the chance to share them.

Another Setback

Gosh, today we got the most unbelievable news!  After all we have been through, we found out today that once again we were DENIED worker's comp benefits. Our attorney will appeal, but for now, it is almost too much to bear.
Let me say, we are financially safe until the middle of August, due to Martin's summer pay. It is prorated all year so that he continues to get paid, even though he is off for summer break. This is a huge source of comfort, but the extra costs of co-pays and medication severely tax us, and it is so hard to keep up. Worker's comp would have covered these costs and even reimbursed us for the expenses we have been out for a year and a half.
When I read the decision, I went numb. I then came to my computer room and just fell apart. I felt so abandoned, I mean, I kept asking "Why Father? Why can't we get any help, any justice? When will it get better? What will we do after his summer pay runs out? Why? What? How?"
Martin was denied because all the facts in the decision were very inaccurate. I pray that the appeal will clear this up.
As I sat here feeling almost detached from life, the tears streaming, my mind whirling and my head pounding, I began to pray for strength and for understanding.  I read the sign near the computer that reminds me in "painful moments, trust God". I began to feel peace. As I made every effort to calm myself and remember that he has not let us down ever, I felt a strong impression come into my mind.
"Please be calm, have no fear. I know your situation and I am with you. Trust me. Trust me to care for you and meet your needs. I have never been away from you, and I am near you now. You are in the protection of my arms. I love you. I will care for you always."  I knew with absolute certainty that this impression came from my loving Heavenly Father. My heart quieted, and the tears slowed and then soon stopped. I took the time to feel, enjoy and know the love that my Heavely Father has for me. I felt safe.
I feel safe now too. I don't know what to expect: Will Martin get well enough to find another job if he does not get another contract?  If not, although I know our financial needs will be met, how? Can I continue on this ever-changing roller coaster of uncertainity? Can I stand strong and be the example my family needs to grow into the future?
I don't know, but I do know that if it is up to  my Father in Heaven, we will prosper in peace and confidence. Maybe there is another whole door to pass through. Another way of life. One part of my life that will never change however, is that I love and trust my Heavenly Father and my Savior, and will walk in faith on whatever path I will find myself.
So far, because I was faithful, I have accrued a foodstorage that will see us through months of financial uncertainty. Two years ago, I awoke with the pressing urge to get a food storage, but for what, I had no idea. I only knew that the  feelings were overwhelming, and I complied. Since then, many opportunities to fill my food storage have come my way, and I have taken advantage of them. I pray and listen for answers to other problems, and delight in times when unexpected blessings are showered on us. I pay a full tithe faithfully, willingly and joyfully, knowing that my tithe is of benefit to many.  I am honest, and try so hard to be kind, loving and willing to serve.
All of this will serve me and my family and even those who  know us to the greatest benefit.  As I go to my bed to rest for the night, it will be a sleep of peace. I am grateful and excited to see how Heavenly Father will help us. I will let you know!

I knew it would happen!

In my bedroom, we have two very large recliners that we sit, lay, or recline to watch tv or even sleep sometimes.  They were made specially for us, and are very comfortable. I throw a quilt over each one to make sure we are truly comfortable, and indeed, they are.  I am in one of them in the picture of last night's post with Little Joe and Lucky. I have one, and PaPa has his.
Many times the Gentle Giant has tucked Little Joe under his arm to watch TV together in his recliner, and usually Little Joe succumbs to slumber in his comfy PaPa coccoon.  I have often wondered what I would do if Little Joe got under the foot rest when it was up and I was in the chair.  Wonder no more.
Today, I was watching Little Joe as usual, and he was trying to stand on his own as he has been doing for some time. He was actually balancing in front of PaPa's  recliner, which I was sitting in, and when I went to get out of the recliner,  the foot rest popped up and just barely hit Little Joe in the back of his head, pushng him forward. He immediately fell, and instead of trying to get back up, he rolled UNDER the foot rest and the chair. He was crying, but I could tell it was from frustration instead of pain.  I was absolutely stuck in the chair, because if I tried to get out, the foot rest would come down and squash Little Joe.  Since I am a rather large person, it was proving difficult to manuver out of the chair without putting the footrest down.  I tried to reach under the footrest to get him, but he hunkered even further under, and then, when I couldn't reach him, started crying louder.  At that time, I didn't know if he was hurt, and I didn't know how to get out of the chair either.  With great effort, somehow I managed to get  over the side of the chair while keeping one foot under the footrest so that it wouldn't collapse on the baby. My recliner is right next to the one I was stuck in, and so I flopped myself into that chair, holding the footrest up and calling to Little Joe at the same time.  Once I was out of the recliner, the footrest stayed up on it's own, and I was able to get down on the floor, crawl under the offending chair and pull Little Joe out.  He clung to me as if it was the end of the world, all the while crying and whimpering, trying to let me know that he did not understand why he got stuck in the first place, and why I didn't get him right out. Staggering to my knees, and then getting on my feet and collapsing in the other chair,  I hugged and cradled him, crooning to him and caressing his little face. He calmed down, began looking around, and decided he had been babied enough. I gave him a kiss, and set him down among his pile of toys, and right away, he made a beeline to go under the raised footrest again!  Little buggar!  Now, I have to sit in my exceptionally comfortable, quite large and perfect recliner with the footrest down, meaning that I can't recline in it if Little Joe is in the room playing on the floor.  Well, I wondered how long it would take for him to discover the wonderland under the recliner, and now I know!

Little Joe and Lucky

Don't you  just hate to wait on something that is probably going to be life changing? I thought we would have heard today of the decision on the worker's comp, but I was told the decision was mailed out on Friday, so maybe tomorrow.

I had to show a picture of Little Joe and Lucky. For those of you who don't know Lucky, he is named Lucky for a reason.  On July 15, 2008 we found a pile of dead kittens in the garage with their mama no where to be found.  Martin was putting the dead kittens in the trash, when the last one squeaked. These tiny kittens could not have been more than a day old, and the garage was horribly hot, so it is a miracle that this one little kitty was still alive.  I took it in the house, and knowing that it could not make it, I had Martin go to the store and get some kitten milk so that at least it could die with a full stomach.  It was difficult to get it to eat, but I did, and then wrapped it up in a washcloth and made it comfortable.  A few hours later, it began to squeak again, and so, I fed it again.  Jaybird and I prayed over it, and to our relief and gratitude, it continued to live.  Soon after, the hurricane hit, and we evacuated with our little kitten that we had named Lucky.  He has thrived.  The only thing is, he thinks he is a dog.   He has never been around another cat, only German Shepherds, and does not display many cat-like qualities. He is however, the alpha dog around here, he pottys outside, (thank goodness) and plays pretty rough, as the he has always played rough with the dogs. They back down fast when he has had enough! He won't let just anyone pet him, but he does worship the Gentle Giant, and together they play with claws and teeth.  I always warn anyone who asks me that my cat may swipe a paw or nibble on their hand, and doesn't like a lot of people.  Even I have a hard time petting him. He is a wonderful cat, don't get me wrong, and we love him.
We have always been surprised at his reaction to the baby.  Lucky has always been very protective of Little Joe, checking on him when he cries, and as Little Joe has gotten older, has even allowed him to pet him or pull his ears or tail.  Today, when I was holding Little Joe, Lucky jumped up in my lap.  He just lay there while Little Joe petted him, and I had to get a picture to prove it!  Little Joe loves Lucky, and even says "Cat" quite clearly when he sees him.  It is really hard to believe that this cat with the ferocious reputation is so gentle with the baby.  I just wanted to show a pic of that.

Mother's Day for Nana!

This is my lovely Mother's Day surprise!  All of my grandchildren in one photo  montage.  Besides that, I spent a wonderful day in church, especially with my Primary class, and the Gentle Giant gave me a bamboo plant that I have been wanting, along with some chocolates and a jar of garlic stuffed olives!  So much effort was put into this picture for me, and I so appreciate all of my loving children for it.  It is going to hang in my bedroom where I can see it anytime I want to.

Tomorrow is the deadline to find out if we have FINALLY been awarded Workman's Compensation.  For some reason, I am disinclined to worry about it, I certainly know that I will be cared for.
This morning, the Gentle Giant was very ill and had to be on oxygen because his oxygen levels fell sharply and he couldn't breath.  Dear Robby, my son-in-law, brought over a tank and set Papa up, and after a while he was feeling better.  For a moment, (or maybe an hour) I let my fear overcome me and I fell apart in tears because I was feeling sorry for myself and the situations around me.  Poor Robby got the brunt of it, but he was very patient and just waited for me to calm down. I am at peace now, once again, I have been able to cast out the feelings of the adversary, and anyway, I have other loved ones who are experiencing much darker trials.  My prayers are with them, and just the effort to pray for someone else, lifts my spirit so much.  I guess when you take your mind off of yourself to think of others, it brings the light of the Savior into your heart.  I would much rather have that light than to suffer through the pangs of darkness.  I will try to take my own advice!
Tonight, all is calm and at peace. The Gentle Giant is sleeping peacefully, and I await the dawning of tomorrow, bringing with it the love and joy of serving  my family and friends. Perhaps I will have good news to report tomorrow night when I write again!

Date Night!

This evening, the Gentle Giant asked me out for a date. I, at first, said that with our current circumstances we should be frugal and forego such pleasures. After all, I had spent yesterday cashing in our change so that we could have money for his medications, and I didn't feel that it would be responsible to use the extra for such a luxury. (I got a large sum for the change we had, and the medications did not make much of a dent in it).  He smiled and kissed me and said that date night is a pleasure we should never forego, and insisted that I choose a place to go. He then played the hungry card: He said he was hungry for pizza. He has not been hungry for weeks, and I didn't think I should refuse to let him indulge  his appetite (lucky me) and we went to a local pizza restaurant. We shared a medium pizza and played cards. We drank water instead of soda, and all in all the check was quite modest.
I am so glad that the Gentle Giant is sensitive to my feelings and remembers how important it is to me to be treated to a surprise once in awhile.  He says that we must continue the important parts of our relationship, including a date out once in awhile, trips to the Temple and making sure we don't deny ourselves to the point of dispair.
How handsome he was, sitting across the table in the dim, ambient  light. How special I felt as he cut and served pizza, giving me the extra cheese as it came off the serving utensil. How sweet he was, as he remenesed about the first time we had pizza together- it was when he was in basic training for the army, and I sneaked up to see him at Ft. Knox. We had a pizza, and even some wine, (we weren't members of the Church then) and were so pleased to see that the check was really low.  Other pizza memories mainly involve roudy children around the table and glasses of kool-aide. Tonight will join the memory of our first time to have pizza together: and it will be just a sweet.
No word from the workers comp decision, I guess maybe we will hear on Monday.  I suppose that waiting on such a life changing decision should be something that would be very stressful, but today, as I tickled Little Joe and heard him squeal, cared for Kayliegh because she came home from school sick, handed out cookies to the boys as they got off the bus, and visited with Polly and Aunt Cheryl, I forgot all about waiting on that decision. Also, as I sat by the kitchen window, working on a crossword puzzle (how I love them!) a woodpecker came to the bird feeder. He was so incredible, and it was so amazing to see him try to get the bird seed from a feeder that was clearly too small for him. Earlier, I had seen a bright red cardinal along with numerous sparrows and other birds, and I told Aunt Cheryl that having the feeder so easily seen was better than keeping a bird for a pet. I really enjoy watching the birds as they continue to light and feed right outside the window.
Temporal desires pale next to the gifts of Heavenly Father, especially his beautiful scenes of nature. It costs nothing to enjoy the birds, (except maybe some bird food) and no movie or play could possibly compare. It is moments like this that give me security and comfort, and strength to face the future.

Creme Horns

So, sometimes the only thing that really helps is well, to put it kindly, just pigging out. I did that tonight, but after you  hear of my day, you will understand.
This morning, we realized that we had to get some more medications for Martin, but I didn't want to let our bank account get too low.  For two years we have thrown change into a large jar, and it was filled to the top, so Martin suggested that we cash it in and see how much we had.  Kroger has a change machine, and you just put the change in and get a receipt to cash in at the service desk.  I stood there, piling change into the maching, while people stood and watched me, making comments as to how much they thought I must have.  After about 15 minutes and two thirds of the jar, I noticed that coins were falling on the floor from a slot in the machine. I had not noticed them and by the time I did, there was a small pile.  I wondered why they were falling out, and the guy behind me who was holding a bag of change to change out told me that I had filled the machine to it's limit. Sure enough, the machine had a message that it was full and could not take any more coins. Well, I felt pretty stupid, standing there with a bunch of coins in my hand and on the floor, while the guy behind me realized that he couldn't put his change in.  I apologized to him, put the wayward coins back in the jar, and went and cashed in my receipt.  I got more than enough to pay for Martin's medicine, and I felt better. Later, I took some more jelly to the feed store, and Mary, (the owner) was so appreciative. She gave me a jar of homemade salsa, and told me she would have some more produce next week.  I came home and made bread while Little Joe crawled all over me, the kitchen, the dining room, the living room and played with the pots and pans in the drawers.
Actually, most of the day was so sweet, with Little Joe in the best of moods and the Gentle Giant feeling rather mellow.  He was supposed to go fishing with Robby, but it was too windy, so he got to sleep in. (They leave REALLY early to fish). I don't even know why, the fish don't know what time it is! Anyway, he went to work thinking that this would be his last day for the school year, but later he called me and told me he finishes the year on May 15.  Not so bad, he is taking tomorrow off, and then only has to go in for two more days. Little Joe and I spent the afternoon watching TV, looking at picture books, and playing. He is so happy all the time!
Okay, so that is not so bad, actually, it is perfect. Just the sort of things a Nana should be doing!  Then, Martin called. He learned that all the other instructors signed their contracts for the new school year starting in August, 2012. The supervisor did not call him in to sign a new contract, and actually hasn't even spoken to Martin in a couple of weeks.  I emailed our attorney, and he said not to be surprised if they don't renew Martin's contract.
Remember all that stuff about how I wasn't going to worry if we got bad news about Martin's job? Well, for a moment, I forgot all about it, and went into a Gloomy Gussy fit. I couldn't really react badly, as Little Joe was still with me and I didn't want him to see me upset. I churned inside with doubt and fear, and the old questions came back to plague me. How will I get insurance?  How will we be able to handle Martin's medical? Can we make all the bills? Blah,Blah, Blah.  Martin came home early, and we had enough time to make it to Eli's musical at school, and even a half hour before to go to Whataburger and share some french fries and a drink. We sat across each other at the table, and although I tried to keep a brave face, the tears leaked out anyway.  When the girl brought the french fries to the table, she gave me a funny look, but I smiled and thanked her the best I could. A few minutes later, she caught me off guard, and I was sniffling, and she said, "Oh goodness! Is anything wrong with your french fries? Do you have enough ketchup? Do you need some napkins?" Once again, the smile came out and I thanked her and told her all was okay.
Martin and I talked about how we never expected things like this at our stage of life. After all, he  has worked there almost 20 years, and we thought we were pretty secure. I boo-hooed again when I reminded him that our 40th anniversary is almost here, and we had always wanted to go on a cruise or something special for that day, but now we have to forego those plans. He said the sweetest thing. He said, "I don't need a special day to remind me of how fortunate we are that we met, married and were sealed in the Temple. You are all I want for  my anniversary".  He is so right, and I quit being a spoiled brat and let the spirit calm and comfort me, while reminding me that the adversary will take any opportunity to torture me with temporal desires. I cheered right up after that, and we went to the school. Eli was fabulous! Little Joe puked all over the floor and his Mama, and almost got the other people on the aisle, and Martin and I sat and enjoyed the show. Then, Martin couldn't breathe, and we had to leave. On the way home, I had to stop and get some handsoap, as neither bathroom nor kitchen had any soap to wash our hands. (I am not above using dishsoap, but everyone else gripes).  While in Kroger, I found some on sale, and was walking to the front of the store, and then I saw them. Creme Horns. These are hollow tubes of pastry filled with fabulous sweet cream. I didn't even try to rationalize, I just yanked a package and threw it in the basket. As I went to the front to pay for the items with some of the money from this morning, I notices that the change machine was STILL not working. I had to mentally laugh, it was just a reminder of the day for me.  I got in the car, went home and sat at the kitchen table with my creme horns and a crossword puzzle.  Now, a sensible Nana would eat one creme horn and put the rest away. Truly, that was the plan, but after the first one, there were three more. The pastry was so flaky and buttery, the cream inside so smooth and sweet. I guessed one more wouldn't hurt.  It didn't. Actually, I was feeling better all the time! I courageously shoved the package away from me, but the third creme horn had a big glob of creme  coming out of the end, and I gave in and popped the cream glob into my mouth. Then, I noticed that the poor creme horn looked uneven, and so I just took a  little piece to even it up. I couldn't stand to leave that creme horn half eaten, and thought that just this once I would indulge myself, (I had already done that, don't  you think?), but sanity overcame me, and before I could continue the pig-out, I jumped up and tossed the rest of the pastry into the trash.  Martin came in right at that time, and asked me how I could waste like that. I didn't even bother to explain, just hugged him and told him it was for the best.  Now, it is the end of the day. I have remembered that Heavenly Father will help us no matter what, and I refuse to allow the adversary to affect me. Okay, maybe eating creme horns helped some, (well, lots) but I have to realize that a fix like that is only temporary. Anyway, I am going to bed with a tummy full of yummy, and gratitude in my heart that I  know that we will be okay.

The Gentle Giant saw his lung specialist today, and the news was not what we wanted to hear. His lung capacity is really low, and the surgery to help him breathe better has to be postponed indefinetly.  The plan now is to go in, take a biopsy of the lung tissue, culture the bacteria, wash out the airways and send a scope in to take pictures. Hopefully this will guide us in the direction needed to try to help him. Tomorrow is his last day before summer break. He will  have all summer to recuperate, fish, and just kick back and have fun. We don't know the status of his job, what will happen there or anything like that. We are still waiting for the decision on workers comp, and are pretty  much in limbo about everything. I am trying to look forward to the summer. Our 40th anniversary is coming up in July, and we have thought for years that maybe we could go on a cruise to Alaska, but with our financial status, that is out of the question.  No problem, just having each other will be celebration enough. I have certainly learned that you don't need a big party to feel special. I feel special every day, and blessed too.  I would like to sneak off for a week, just get in the car and go, you know, decide after you get on the road where you will end up.  Kind of  like a mystery trip!  Again, finances won't allow that, so, since we live in paradise anyway, we can go to the beach, fish, take the boat out, and do all the things that people do on vacation.
Little Joe is trying to walk. He is pushing his high chair all over the place and also his toys. It won't be long, and I just can't believe how the time has flown.  I don't think anyone got bit today- maybe we are getting on top of that.
The Gentle Giant told me that he didn't know how much longer he can take this illness. I told him he can take it as long as he is still alive, and the price of life for him is dealing with it. The price of life is different for all of us, but remember, we don't have to deal with anything. Our problems will come to an end when we leave this world, so whatever it takes to keep on going is what I call the "price of life".  Many people pay a very high price for life, and others  not so much, but it is relative to each of us, and no one can say that someone has it easier than others.  I told Martin to buck it up, pay the price and enjoy his blessings.  When you count your blessings, the hard times don't seem so bad.  Remember, tough times don't last but tough people do!

Plum tuckered

Someone once told me that tough times don't last but tough people do.  I hope so,  because I had one tough day.
The Gentle Giant could not get out of bed this morning, so I let him sleep. He was up all night having nightmares again about suffocation. How I wish I could help him with this, I hate to see the panic when he jerks awake.
So, I bounce out of bed at 6:30am, get dressed, put the dogs out, and start the cream of wheat for Little Joe. I mixed up some chocolate chip muffins for the boys and took the trash out. By 7:00 am, Chuckles,(Little Joe) showed up and Becky was in a minor panic. She told me that Little Joe had rolled off the bed, and she felt so bad about it. He was not hurt, but I can understand her feelings, that little worm has scared me on  more than one occasion! We checked him for bruises and bumps but found none, and pretty much that was that.  By the way, he bit another baby at church yesterday. Now, when I say bit, I mean sort of grazed the other baby with his front teeth. He has been doing this, and he really took a bite out of Nanamee the other day. I told Becky, time for tough love. If he bites again, pop his little leg, but make sure he doesn't know where it came from. He has bitten Eli, Jacob, PaPa, Becky, Nanamee, and Sissy, and probably others.  What he does is get a mouthful of your shirt, and the skin comes with it.  Anyway, since I "know everything", I was determined to teach him not to bite. The day went on, and Papa went to the feed store and picked up some red plums and dewberries so that I could make jelly for the feed store.  I took the opportunity to sweep and mop the house so that Little Joe can wander at will, put all the dishes away, cleaned off the table and in general, got ready for jelly day.
This means that I cleaned a huge amount of red plums, (the little kind) and put them in my largest pot to simmer so that I could extract the juice.  In another pot, I started the dewberries. The dewberries cooked much faster than the plums, and I put them in a giant colander to drain. So far, so good. I still have a few hours till the kids get off the bus, and Little Joe was sleeping.  Martin got ready to leave for work, and I asked him to be sure the fire under the plums was on the lowest setting. He said he would. My floors were clean, the kitchen tidy and the fruit cooking. I could rest for a bit. About an hour later, I went to check on my plums, and got a horrible shock!  They had simmered over the top of the pot and the vibrant, sticky red juice had run everywhere!  My stove top had about an inch of juice in it, the drawers of the cabinet beneath were soaked along with all the silverwear, and utinsels, and there was a small river of red plum juice that ran from the stove to the far window of the kitchen!  As I was perusing this mess, the baby woke up and wanted a bottle. I had to step over the river of plum juice to get a bottle and again over it to warm it up. I went and fed the baby and changed him and put him down on the floor with his toys.
Back to the kitchen. Good heavens, what a mess! A whole roll of paper towels did nothing for it, and I was getting desperate, because I knew that Little Joe would only give me so much time.  Then, I got a brainstorm.  Now, Becky, if you are reading this, don't get mad.  It occurred to me that Pampers would really soak up moisture, and I went and got a few from the diaper holder. Bingo!  After 3 diapers, the stove was clear of juice! One more for each drawer, and one to catch the mess under the cabinets.  A total of 6 diapers and I was home free! (Becky, I will pay you back). After that, I got the swiffer out and made quick work of the plum juice on the floor and then, with perfect timing, heard Little Joe starting to fuss.  Wonderful Nana that I am, I threw the plum soaked diapers in the trash and went to get him.  I was feeling pretty smug about having averted a plum juice catastrophe, and sat in the recliner with Little Joe.  He snuggled up to my shoulder, and I was thinking how sweet he was when:  OUCH! He clamped his little teeth down on my shoulder and took a bite! I jerked my shirt out of his mouth, and popped his leg.  He started crying and so did I.  Sissy called, and I was sobbing. "Mother! What's wrong?!!"she said. I snuffled out that I had popped Little  Joe on his leg and he cried, and it made me feel so bad. She reminded me that I didn't seem to feel so bad when she was little and I popped her leg, or even had her go and get a switch!  She's right of course, but Nana's have a softer than Mama's, or at least I guess we do.  Anyway, I got to join the ranks of those who Little Joe has chomped on. Maybe he will quit. I hope so.
To end the day, I would like to say that I finished the most fabulous batch of dewberry jam. It is delicious, and I made 14 pints. Tomorrow, I will finish the red plum and watch out for Little Joe's teeth. Life goes on, and remember, tough times don't last, but tough people do!

Choking

You know how when you are eating something really yummy, (in this case a chocolate swiss cake roll) and  you get to the last bite and you just wish there was more of it, or even better another one if it didn't have any calories?  Well, that's me right now.  I am licking my chops as I write, and wish I could have all the swiss cake rolls I wanted, but I am sensible, and I left the box in the kitchen!
The Gentle Giant had a garage sale today. He had a great time, talking to all the customers, and selling his junk from the garage. He made some money, and the garage looks lots better. Of course he overdid it, and now is pooped out, but not before he asked Becky, Little Joe and I to come and have lunch with Big Joe and himself.  He loves hamburgers. He has to take it easy with them after his heart attack and blocked arteries, but generally he goes to a hamburger place once a month and enjoys himself.  Becky, Little Joe and I went to a baseball game for Jaybird. Little Joe did very well, and everyone made over him and his curly hair and chubby cheeks. I was ready to just go home after a morning spent at the ball park, but the lunch invite was too much to pass up. We took Jaybird with us, and  met the men at the hamburger joint, but not until we had stopped at Burger King to get a veggie burger for me.
Before I continue, I need to say that when I am tired, I am much more likely to choke on my food. I have to be so very careful when I eat anyway, because I choke really easily.  Today was no exception. I sat at the table with my veggie burger made with cheese, onions, tomatoes, Ketchup and a little bit of mayonaise. The family was talking and eating giant burgers, french fries, onion rings and tater tots and I was just sitting there listening to everything. I was really enjoying my veggie burger, and the thought occurred to me that it was so yummy, and the next thing I knew, a small bit of it went right down  my windpipe!  My throat is very weak anyway, and I have to swallow fast so that the food goes where it is supposed to, but today I was tired and not paying attention.  Actually, more than choking, it was what is called a  laryngeal spasm.
When you choke like this, your body reacts violently to expell the food. Of course you are coughing, but coughing out and cannot get air in. You can only cough so much until you are out of air, but your throat keeps constricting anyway. All of the muscles in your body tense, especially your abdominal muscles and chest muscles, and if you are lucky, you won't wet your pants. Not being able to breathe is terrifying, but when you are in the throes of an attack like this, not breathing is only one problem. Suddenly, you feel like you are going to throw up, your eyes are tearing up, your nose is running and in about 20 seconds you begin to feel like you are going to pass out. Suddenly, your throat opens and you gasp for air, but only for a second, and it starts all over again. You begin to wonder if you are going to die from this. You feel the muscles in your arms and legs stiffen and the pounding in your head is unbearable. Somehow, each time this happens, it corrects itself, and if you are lucky, the whole restaurant is not staring, or screaming for someone to call 911. The Gentle Giant calmly assures everyone in the area that he knows what to do and for no one to panic.  He is right, and after you can catch your breath, you continue to cough for about 10 minutes, wiping your nose and eyes and hoping you can keep your food down. After an attack like this, you are exhausted, really exhausted, and just want to go to sleep.
Sounds really scary, right?  Well, in my case, no matter how bad the attack is, my family just goes on with whatever they are doing and waits for me to be okay.  I have had so  many, it is commonplace to them.  Today, the comment was, "Mama's choking again, Pass the ketchup please". Nobody jumps up, the most they do is throw paper towels or napkins in my direction.  About the time  my face is totally purple, usually the comment is made, "you think she is okay?" and the answer is, "probably, but if she doesn't get better or passes out, we can check on her".
The grandkids don't even worry anymore. Eli knows that if I can't come out of it in a few minutes, he can call 911, and usually he runs over to  me with the phone in hand, finger pointed and gets ready to call if he needs to. He knows that if I actually hit the floor, it is time to call. So far, I have been transported only 3 times in 16 years of difficulty.
So, that is what I did today. Went to a baseball game, and almost died. The worst part of it is that I only got to eat a part of my veggie burger. I don't know what happended to the rest of it, but I couldn't have finished it anyway.  Now, for the next few days, I have to keep from talking if possible to rest my throat.  Most of those close to me have had the wonderful experience of witnessing a choking episode like this, and they handle it well. 
I consider things like this the price of life for me. That is how I can reasonably get through such things. I do have  many physical difficulties, but I don't have to have them. I could die and not worry about it anymore.  If I have to go through such things to be here on this earth with my loved ones, so be it. It is a small price to pay for the glorious experience of the life I have.

Another family dinner!

Well,we have one more week until summer break for the Gentle Giant. I think the new plan for the college is to just wait him out and not renew his contract.  That would be in violation of the ADA(Americans with disabilities act) but they have tried everything else, so why not this?  I am still at peace. If Father can bring us this far, who am I to question the future?
It is such a shame to miss your life because  you are anxious about the future. That is something I have been guilty of, but I have truly learned not to do this, and to enjoy each day and recognize my blessings.
Tonight, we had a big family dinner.  Everyone loves my smothered chicken, and the family has been asking for a while for me to a make it.  I told them I would be happy to, but it is hard to provide that much chicken for so  many people. They said no problem, and last night, Aunt Cheryl and Polly brought in 11lbs of chicken breasts. I made all of it, by frying the chicken pieces and simply covering them with mushroom soup and baking in the oven for about an hour. I also made 6 cups of dry rice which equals about 18 cups cooked, a huge pot of vegetables, 40 biscuits and a large peach cobbler.  How I love it when everyone comes over. The kids were noisy, the baby happy, the parents hungry and the house FULL.  These are blessings that count. Simple things that make life so precious, like chicken gravy on a child's chin, or a great big PaPa slurping down a hot buttered biscuit with homemade wild plum jelly. Seeing the dogs waiting for a scrap to fall, or one of my nieces being so helpful are other examples.  We may be having financial difficulties, but seeing the spread on the table, you sure couldn't tell. Everything but the chicken was from my food storage!  My sweet family replaces items that we use, so the food storage seems to never shrink. Smiles, laughter, good natured joking, slurping, burping and giving thank to Heavenly Father for so much bounty makes me realize that we are really doing great.
Other good news, there is a feed store close by, and the lady that owns it calls me each year to help her with homemade jam. She provides the fruit, the jars, the pectin, and I provide the sugar and the labor. It is not really labor to me, as I LOVE to make jelly! In return for my efforts, I get to keep one third of everything, and that also stocks my food storage.  This week, I made wild plum jelly for her. She also has blackberries for me next week and some more plums, and later in the summer it will be peaches, plums, strawberries and apricots. Sometimes she even has cherries, but that is hard for me to do , because I want to eat them all! I will also do salsa and other things. Remember when the sugar was on sale about a month ago?  When I got a four pound bag for a dollar? I bought 40 bags, equally 160 pounds of sugar. At the time I thought it was maybe too much, but I had forgotten that I would get the opportunity to make jellies and jams for her, and now I have all the sugar I need!  I felt really inspired to but that sugar, and when a feeling like that comes to me, I just do it!  Making the plum jelly this week is another reason that I got behind on my writing, but I am catching up.  More tomorrow!

The hearing

Gosh, this has been some week!  Monday was the hearing for Martin's workers comp. It was a formal hearing, and Martin had to be sworn in. The hearing was to decide if the insurance company for Houston Community College had to finally (a year and a half later) be made to give Martin his worker's comp  benefits.  This has been such a mess, and so heart-rending, we have waited so long and the insurance company reps have been so ugly.  We won't know until May 10th if the judge found in our favor, but if she did, then we will have all of Martin's medications covered, his treatment and other expenses, in addition to reclaiming all the money (thousands) that we have spent for meds and co-pays since he got sick.
I think things went well in our favor, but you can never tell. Martin comes across as a  man of integrity, and it is apparent that he is not trying to scam anyone. We had all our records as well as a wonderful attorney, and since I have done all I can to follow the commandments and do the best I can to be honest, well, it is all in Heavenly Father's hands now.
I have to tell you of some of the incidents of the hearing.  For one, the two representatives from HCC actually FELL ASLEEP during the hearing!  When Martin was testifying, he was a bit distracted by the sight of those two women just nodding off and being completely unaware of what was going on.
When the hearing was over, the judge told us it would be within ten days to get a decision, and according to Texas law, if we wanted to appeal, we could. She then said, "I hope it doesn't come to that, I don't want to have to sit through another hearing watching you ladies. Perhaps I bored you, or maybe you thought I was speaking Greek!  One of the ladies stuttered, "Oh no, you were very clear!"
The insurance co. attorney tried his best to discredit Martin, tried to make him sound like a liar, a cheat and a scam artist, but he couldn't. Martin calmly answered each question and came across quite honestly and confidently.
Also, two months ago, the insurance attorney asked for a two month extension so that he could get an expert witness.  Another delay.  When we got to the hearing this time, he had no expert witness, and when questioned by the judge as to where the witness was, he started in on a long rendition as to why he changed his mind about having one, and several other excuses. The judge sharply said, "so you have no witness? After this long delay?" The attorney again went into a speech, and finally our attorney said, "Look, we don't care about your expert witness, Let's get going with this!"  It was apparent that he had used the excuse for an expert witness just to buy some more time.
There is so much more to tell you, but I'll write in later blogs.
I am not worried. After the hearing, for the first time in well over a year, I slept the night through with no anxiety. In every trial or challenge in life, you come to the point where you realize that you have done all you can do, and the outcome will be what it will be. If we lose this decision, well, then we will get to see what Heavenly Father will do to help us.
Martin has continued to go to work. He doesn't do much,  but he does help out the other instructors in the shop when they ask him for advice.  His supervisor continues to dodge him, and has spoken only once to him since a week ago Monday. We have heard no word from Human Resources. We are just waiting, but the trip back and forth to work, (40 miles each way) and having to stay there for the eight hours is really wearing on Martin.  He is noticecibly tired and his breathing is worse.  He will be able to start summer break in one week, and since we have made it through the year somehow, he will get summer pay. This means we will be safe at least until the middle of August. 
I insist that Martin spend the summer fishing, and taking it easy. I think being away from all this difficulty will help him so much.  I have to say that Heavenly Father  has certainly come through for us, we were supposed to get fired a year ago last January!  The co-pays and medications for Martin are really hard on us, but our food storage has been such a blessing. Not having to shop, and when I do only having to get a few things has been life saving.
We are so blessed, and I am thankful that I have been able to get through this situation so far. I love a challenge, but when you think you can face difficulties, you better be ready to do so.  I don't for even a second think that I can ever be off my guard, and I know that the future is uncertain. But, due to this experience, including Martin's heart scare, his respiratory illness, my stroke, loss of income and crushing responsibilities, I have learned that I can make it with Heavenly Father's care and guidence. Besides, the blessings are exponentially better than the trials are bad. I only have to look at Little  Joe and see his loving trust to know that he was sent here when we  needed him most. When I am in the presence of the other little ones, there sweet hearts, loving humor and unconditional love lift me up. Just being able to lay next to Martin each night, seeing him breath and knowing he is still alive is a miracle I thought would be denied to me last December. Having the rest of my family and friends near and available gives me a sense of comfort,knowing I am not alone and will always have help when I need it. Most of all, knowing that the Gospel is true and that life is eternal gives me peace. So, come what may, it will be allright.