BooHoo

Today I let go and fell apart. I try so hard to remain positive, sunny, confident and have strong faith, but today, I fell apart. Yesterday we got notice that they are going to start termination proceedings again. The demand is that Martin go to work in rooms that made his sick in the first place- they insist that a mask will protect him- and if he doesn't show up on Monday ready to work, they are going to terminate him. There is no regard for accomodation under the ADAA, and unless something happens in our favor, he will be out of work.
This is not news to me. I have been dealing with this for almost a year and a half. Every time it gets desperate, something happens to stave them off, and we are protected from unemployment. I know that Martin cannot work in that environment. Even now, he is much worse than even 6 months ago, and it seems the illness he contracted at work is progressive. Even the surgery planned for June will have to be put off due to the bacteria that has gotten into his damaged lungs. We are due for a contested case hearing for workers comp on May 30- if he finally gets workers comp, we will be covered for his pay and medical care. If not, we struggle on, and somehow Heavenly Father will keep us going.
Why did I fall apart today? I don't know. The thought of being out of work with no insurance terrifies me, and yet, I know that we will be taken care of. Jessica came over to find me sobbing with Little Joe in my arms, rocking him and just bawling my eyes out. She got stern and told me to knock it off, after all she knew I am a woman of faith, so why the hysterics. I explained to her of my fears of unemployment, and she talked to me about it. She said she knew that we havd saved some money, and that made me cry harder, as every extra cent we get goes for co-pays for Martin's medication. On top of everything else, I feel guilty that I am not better with a budget. She pointed out that I have a fabulous food storage, and she is right about that. She also said that at some point, I need to swallow my pride and let the Church help. Now the tears were running down my face, onto my chest and onto the quilt. You must know that this was purely a pity party on my behalf. The more I listed my problems, the more I cried. What a baby I can be sometimes. During this conversation, Eli came into the room and heard me talking about not being able to make it without Martin's income. He came over and hugged me and then, with a bright look in his eyes said, "I know Nana. I will get some paper and make signs and put them out all over Seabrook and they will say that you will bake bread and everyone will call you and you will have lots of money!" That simple faith and reasoning dried my tears right up. I hugged him and told him that was a great idea! Sissy smiled. She then took Little Joe with her and I had time to myself. I did some praying, and began to realize the effort the adversary is making to ruin our lives. I cast the adversary away from me in Jesus name, and I felt the air clear and began to once again feel strength and calm.
Whatever happens will happen, and if we do all we can to be righteous, it will happen in our favor.
At this time, as in the past 18 months, we find ourselves with a very ill Martin and the difficulties of our income. I would say that we are facing uncertainites, but that is not true. I am CERTAIN that we will be cared for, strengthened and surprised at the magnitude of the blessings coming our way. It was only a year ago right now that I had a stroke. I am fine now, but if I let things get out of hand once again, I could possible find myself in that situation again. I decide how I will react to our difficulties, and my decision is to recognize the efforts of the adversary and negate his desires to ruin our family. I will be at peace, and let him roar, knowing that if God is with me, who can be against me? Right now, the storm is raging all around us, but we are safe and calm in the arms of Heavenly Father. It will always be so.