contemplation

I have six little Resese's peanut butter cups in front of me. I am going to eat them. I don't usually give into such naughty behavior, but right now, I could use a soothing moment. Tomorrow, we are supposed to know if the hearing went in Martin's favor or not. If not, he is fired. If so, he will keep his job unless the chancellor of the college decides to not accept a finding in our favor. (Makes me wonder why we had a hearing in the first place!) Mentally, I see a new road for us, one where we walk in new territory, away from the old and comfortable. I am not afraid, but really only curious as to what will happen. Is it possible that after almost 20 years, Martin has received his last paycheck as of today? We were so comfortable with his employment. We had more than we had ever had, could relax, could sleep at night, and knew that at the 1st and 15th of the month, there would be a really good paycheck. He was off at Christmas for 3 weeks, had one week off for spring break and most of the summer. I became complacent. I forgot how to worry about finances, and even bought things that I never would have bought only 5 years ago, such as a designer purse. Dinner out? All the time. So much for so long- and now, I stand on the threshold of true change.

Is this a bad thing? I don't think so. Today as I baked some more bread, and canned some more beef, I remembered the excitement I felt when the kids were small, and I had to do these things. I baked bread because it was affordable. I canned meats, fruits and vegetables to supplement our grocery budget. Friends were always giving me canning jars because they knew I would use them. The Farmer's market provided produce for free if I was willing to go through the cast-off boxes with the culls,(imperfect) fruits and vegetables. My cupboards glistened with jewel-like tones of color from the lovely fruits and vegetables that I had canned, and my children were proud of our efforts and loved to help. (most of the time) On many mornings, they would wake up to fresh baked bread, made by hand because I had no bread machine. It was worth all the effort to see their happy faces and hear them express their thanks for such wonderful fare. The jelly we ate on that bread was made by me and the children, made from wild blackberries, dewberries, pears from our neighbor's tree, figs from across the street that we picked when they were in season. Other people knew that I would utilize produce for jams and jellies, and would bring fruits to me. It was a way of life, one that I loved, and one that was all but forgotten.

I can once again experience the satisfaction of using my knowlege and experience. How I love to see the jars of food as they come from the canner, because I know that I am preparing for what could be a difficult future. How could I have known that when I did this in the past, it would be a foundation for the many years in the future. Bread baking and canning are excellent stress breakers for me. I am looking forward to once again, picking wild berries this spring to make jelly. I hope to sell some of it to supplement our income. It won't bring in much money, but it will help me feel like I am contributing. This time, when I go berry picking, I will take my grandchildren. Like their parents, they can experience the fun of finding a bounty of nature's offerings. The circle of life goes on, never changing and always changing. The greatest parts of life's history are enjoyed as they are experienced by new generations. As a young mother, I used my talents to help feed us. As a not-so-young grandmother, I can do so once again. Well, I just ate the 6th little Resese's peanut butter cup. I enjoyed them for sure, but more than that, I enjoyed putting my thoughts down. I don't know what to expect in the near future, but remembering the terror of possibly losing Martin so very recently, the very fact that we have a future together is wonderful.

Maybe we won't have a comfortable income, but we will have a living. Living together with our friends and family in love and happiness. I think working together to achieve such a goal is the best experience of all.

Today, Martin ground the wheat, and I baked the bread. I cooked the beef, and he cut it up and put it in the jars. Together we took care of little Joe and welcomed the boys off the bus. I am getting used to eating dinner at home once again, and it is fun to wake up each morning, knowing that I will be able to cook good meals for all of us. We are saving a bundle on that alone! Martin and I are learning once again, the pleasure it is to be together. Maybe we won't have a life of luxury, but we will have something that we have always longed for- being together all the time and enjoying each other. How nice!