A Bit of a Setback

We went to the meeting that I thought would be decisive on our Workers Compensation situation. It was not. We had not even sat down with everyone, when the insurance company representative said that his company wanted to go to a contested benefit hearing. This is where you go before a judge and each side presents their case. This has been ongoing for over a year, and we are not giving up, as we are only asking for what is rightfully ours: compensation for an on the job illness. So far, Heavenly Father has helped us, and will continue to do so. Today, when I realized that we would have still a further wait for the help we need, I felt a tremendous sense of dispair and desolation wash up in me. But, I remembered that I would not let Gloomy Gussy return, and I made a conscience effort to banish those feelings. Then, in my mind, I could actually see the difference it would make if I were smiling and upbeat in front of Martin, instead of tearful and anxious. I resolved right then, to dig deep and find my strength, and as we left the meeting, I took his hand and smiled at him. He smiled back, and told me that nothing ever comes easy to us, never has. He grinned really big, and said, "why should this be any different?" Then, in the parking lot, in front of the insurance rep, the workers comp rep from the college and everyone else, he put his arms around me and gave me a smacking big, passionate kiss. That was his way of telling me that we were going to make it, and he was proud of me for being so positive. Now we have to wait until March 9th to go to the hearing. That's okay, we will wait! The college reps seemed surprised that we had hired a lawyer. So what. I used to think that you could trust someone when they told you something, but that is not always true. My eyes have been opened. All you can do for yourself, is to be honest, follow the commandments, and rely on the spirit to guide you through difficult situations. What a shame that you have to be so careful.

When I got home, Little Joe had just woken from a nap. He just beamed when he saw me, and what a wonderful homecoming that was. He came along in our lives at just the right time. Seeing his big smile, makes me grateful for all the blessings I have, and helps me forget the difficulties.

Only 2 more days till Martin's proceedure. It is funny that I am not as afraid as I was when this first started. Maybe I am too cocky, but I guess since we made it this far, we can go all the way. What they will do is insert a catheter, with a special end that will act like a drill, into his femoral artery, thread it to his heart, and to the blockage. Then, they will drill out the calcium, and after that, he should be okay. There is another blockage that cannot be opened, but it is okay according to the doctor, since they will be opening the main artery. All of this is kind of scary to contemplate, but I know that Heavenly Father will guide the hands of the doctors, and whatever the outcome, will be the right one. I am so grateful for all the prayers on our behalf. I feel the power of your love and concern, and I know that I do not now, nor ever will be alone. It is amazing how expressing feelings through words is so helpful. Yes, we have had a bit of a setback, but it is only a set back, and as my precious daughter-in-law once wisely told me: the scriptures say that this too will pass- not hang around, and pass is the operative word here. Trials will pass, but the experience will give me faith, and faith will give me hope. Nothing is experienced in vain.
That sure gives me hope!

Homemade Soup

Today I made some beef soup. It has been raining all night and all today, and it is rather chilly, so I thought a pot of beef soup sounded perfect to warm tummys up. Making soup is theraputic. First, I get out a lovely piece of beef and let it thaw. While the beef is thawing, (in the microwave of course) I take out some crisp celery, lovely orange carrots, and an onion. In my cutlery drawer, I have a special knife that I use just to make soups and stews. It is very sharp, balanced just right, and fits into my hand as thought I was born with it. I cut the celery into small pieces, enjoying the snap each time I run the knife across. Tiny small pieces, so that the maximum flavor will come out. Putting the celery into a bowl, I take the carrots, peel them and cut them into bright coins, not too thick, but just right. Into the bowl with them. Now for the onion. I love onions. When I was little, my grandmother used to eat them like apples. I was horrified. But, as I have grown older, I too, love them. I don't eat them like apples, but once in awhile I am tempted when the perfect onion comes my way. I peel the onion, then slice and chop it into very small pieces too. Into the bowl with the onion pieces. The beef is usually thawed by now, and I take my perfect butcher knife and began to methodically cut perfect squares of beef. This takes awhile, but it is worth the effort, because I like things to be sized equally. The dogs sit next to the counter, desperately hoping that I will drop a piece of meat on the floor. I usually give in and feed each one of the dogs a square of beef. They look so pitiful, waiting for a treat. Now, for the good part. I heat up a cast iron deep fryer, it is about 6 inches deep and should be used for frying chicken, but it is perfect for soup. The cast iron pan is heated up really hot, and then I put a small amount of oil into it. The oil makes waves as it joins with the heat, so that is how I know it is hot enough. Into the heated oil, I place some cloves of fresh chopped garlic. The aroma is fabulous! Now, I add the chopped vegetables. Stirring until all of them are coated with the aromatic oil, I add the beef cubes. The sizzle of the beef sears it, to keep the juices in the meat. I take a wooden spoon and stir everything until the beef is browned on all sides. I know this sounds like a lot of trouble, but I have come to learn that the effort is worthwhile. After the beef is browned, I put some diced tomatoes and add water until everything is covered, bring it to a boil and put on a tight lid. Now, I turn the flame down to simmer, and for the next few hours, my house smells like heaven. The same question is asked several times: "Whatcha cookin?" After 40 years, you would think that at least Martin would know the scent of homemade soup. Later, when the beef is very tender, I add some cubed potatoes, some beef boullion, and some mixed vegetables. I simmer this and about 15 minutes before serving, I add some shell macaroni. "Is the soup done yet?" is another frequent question, and I answer that it will soon be done. The most important part of making homemade soup is: cornbread. Martin's feeling would be absolutely hurt if I didn't make cornbread with his soup. Or, with beans, stew, gumbo, other kinds of soup, or just because it sounds good to him. Indeed, in this house, a cracker has no chance to float, as cornbread is king of the dunking items. The best part of homemade soup is that usually I have the family come over to share it. The worst part is, that I cannot eat it as it has meat in it. I call the family to the table, cut the cornbread into squares and put it on the table, and then serve the soup in bowl brimming over. Everyone has a different style. Some crumble the cornbread into their soup, others dip, and still others butter the cornbread, add some homemade jelly and eat it separately. Tonight, we sat together, talked about the day, joked around and had dinner. How I love these times.

Why was it important that I made soup today? Remember that I said it was theraputic for me to make soup. It calms me down, and gives me purpose, also, helping me to forget for awhile, the difficulties we are facing. Tomorrow, Martin and I will go to a hearing to see if we can finally get workmans compensation for his illness. It has been almost a year that we have been trying to get this help, and now, with a wonderful attorney, we may be successful. It will mean that Martin can stay home and rest and recover somewhat. What a blessing that would be for him and especially for me, so that I can see that my honey has a chance to recover some of his health. How disapointed I will be if it doesn't work out, as workmans comp will pay for the medications Martin needs and we are really struggling to cover them ourselves. But no matter, Heavenly Father will provide for us, one way or another. On Friday, Martin will have the proceedure to open his blocked artery. This is really on my mind, because it has to work. It has been 6 weeks since the doctor told us that Martin had to wait for this proceedure, because the first attempt failed and his artery was too weak to try for awhile. For 6 weeks, I have watched Martin get small attacks of coronary pain that scared me so much, and I have wondered if the big one will get him before he can get fixed. I truly believe that he will make it now, but in the back of my mind, after the other trials in my life, I know that surprises can happen. At least through writing this blog, I can express myself and look at my emotions. Anyway, I made soup today, not only because the weather was soup weather, but because I have much on my mind, and making soup is good for me!

The boat show

Another Sunday come and gone. Another Sunday with my Honey. (sort of). Another day to wake up and see him next to me, watching him breathe. How many days have come and gone since we found out about Martin's heart? Not sure, but each new day means so much to me. He was a stinker today, and went to the boat show with some other members of the family. He never goes on Sunday, but yesterday the Texans had their playoff game at the stadium where the boat show was supposed to be, and they cancelled the Saturday boat show. Martin and the "men folk" of the family have gone to the boat show for longer than I can remember. It is a big deal. For months ahead of time, they talk about the boats they would like to have, (but always say they can't afford) the new fishing tackle on the market, the booths, the presentations, and other boat show stuff. In October, it is only 3 months to the boat show. November, 2 months. December, only one month or less to the boat show, and the plans are cemented. When Martin found out that they would possibly do his proceedure the first week of January, he actually told the doctor that the boat show was that weekend- can you believe it? When he found out that he was going to have the proceedure on Friday, Jan 13, the first thing he said was, "Whew, I thought I was going to have to miss the boat show!" The men in the family have been stashing secret funds just for this big day. Handfuls of change go into an Ozarka bottle, just for the boat show. You can get quite a bit of a nest egg, doing this all year. Heaven help anyone who would touch the boat show fund. Oh yes, the Saturday of the boat show is a sacred day! The men get up, get dressed and get ready to be there when the doors open. Even the grandson's, nephews and cousins go. They must be there exactly on time. After a euphoric 3 hours of boat show bliss, they give in and go onto their next boat show day ritual: James Coney Island for hot dogs. Oh yes, the hot dogs. They sit their with their chili-covered mouthwatering hotdogs and talk about what else? The boat show. When they finally get home, it is understood by all the women in the family that the men are worn out and need a nap. So, nap they do. Then, they wake up later, and the women get a full run down of the exciting day. (yawn).

You can see why, when they cancelled the sacred Saturday of the annual boat show, that the men were inconsolable. How could they do this? After all, it is only a once in a life-time opportunity for the Texans to go to a play off- and they are cancelling the Saturday boat show for that?!!!! The men decided that they would give in and go to the Sunday boat show. Now, as far as I am concerned, Sunday is for church, Sunday dinner with the family and naptime. Years ago, I would have put my foot down and declared that Martin WOULD NOT be allowed to go to the boat show on Sunday, but in the years that have passed since then, I realize that I should not try to control him, and just listened to him try to justify going on Sunday. He said he could not go next weekend, as he was going to have the proceedure on Friday, and would be in the hospital for a couple of days. Okay, Okay, enough. Go to the boat show on Sunday. The other women didn't raise a fuss either, we know what the boat show means to our men. And so, Joe, Robby, Martin, David, Eli and Shane went to the sacred boat show. They ate hot dogs after, and came home and took a nap. That is why I had a quiet day, and thank goodness, got out of going to the boat show for the year 2012

CANDY!

Gosh, where do I start? First of all, this being Saturday, Martin and I went to a garage sale. I found an incredible set of 15 brass bells, strung upside down, one on top of the other, each about 5 inches tall with a small hole in the bottom,that you hang to catch the rain. As the rain drips from bell to bell, a lovely melodic sound is made. I can't wait for it to rain to see how it sounds! Then, we went to Kroger and bought a chocolate cake for the funeral, that got dropped by Jacob, but survived! We went to the funeral, and it was the most wonderful experience. Yes, I am so sorry that my dear friend died, but I saw many other friends that I hadn't seen in so long, and others who were raised with my own children, grown and having kids of their own. In spite of everyone aging, we all looked the same to each other. I got so many hugs and kisses, I thought my neck would snap, and my ribs would break. It wouldn't have mattered, it was so worth it. The funniest thing was, that each of those who were kids with mine had kids that looked just like they did when they were little. It really touched my heart when I heard so many times, that I meant so much to them, and they always remembered me. We couldn't stay too long as Martin was tiring easily, but oh, how happy I am that I went.

On the way home, Sissy, Martin, Becky, Joe, Little Joe, Cheryl and I went to Lubys for lunch. On Saturday, it is an all you can eat buffet for a great price, and we go when we can. I always order the same thing. Trout Almondine. I always get two pieces, usually some squash, and a fruit salad. I love the waitresses there. Each one of them have gotten to know me and we all talk and visit when I go. Knowing their stories makes me incredibly grateful for the affluence in my own life. Each of them have to work for a living, and work they do. One of the waitresses is 8 months pregnant, another is a single mom with 4 boys and recently lost her baby girl to SIDS. Another supports an ailing husband, and still another is a single mom. They all genuinely smile and are glad to see us. It would be so hard for me to have to be on my feet, scrambling from table to table, bringing drinks and food for people for most part, who don't' appreciate their efforts. I do. I do all I can to express my appreciation to them, and leave as much of a tip as I can.

I finally got home and collapsed. I lay in bed and read for awhile, when the phone rang, and Becky told me she had bought me something at Walmart. She said I was going to be surprised. Well, she said I was going to crap when I saw what she had gotten for me- in my shallow mind I automatically assumed it was a cookie jar. I could barely understand her with the background noise at the store, but I did hear the word-candy. Several times. Oh, maybe she got me a box of chocolate cherries! Alright then! But then, I understood the words huge sale, and hurry up and get here. I told Cheryl, lets go, Walmart, sale. Martin said to have fun and don't forget the ice cream. When we got to Walmart, we met Becky in the Christmas clearance section. She told both Cheryl and I to bring a cart back with us, and when we got there, she said, "Mom, I told you to each bring two carts". Why? As she was explaining to me why, I noticed that the two carts next to her were overflowing, and I do mean overflowing, with a mountain of Christmas candy. A third cart was loaded with Christmas bows, decorations, mugs and lots of other stuff. Becky told me to start loading up my cart because all the Christmas stuff was going for just about nothing. I thought the carts with all the candy were going to the back because they weren't sold- but to my incredible shock and awe, they were for me! I was gaping like a hooked fish when Becky told me she had gotten all the candy for me. I told her that there was no way that I could pay for all of that-hundreds of lollipops, hundreds of candy canes, hundreds of chocolate coins, chocolate "coal" M&M's, and on and on- and she said with joy and glee, "Mother, the manager said I could have all I wanted for a dollar". Well, even at a dollar each, I couldn't afford it, but she said with a touch of impatience, "No Mother, a dollar for all of it!" Are you kidding me? Nope, she got it all for only one dollar. The manager was going to throw it all out, but could sell it for whatever he wanted. So, a dollar it was. My food storage room is stacked floor to ceiling with over two hundred boxes of candy canes, fortunately quite a few boxes are the fruit flavored kind, cases of lollipops, cases of chocolate coins, cases of chocolate "coal" pieces, and other stuff. Mind you, each box of candy canes has 12 canes in it so that is more than 2400 candy canes! The best part is, the outdates on all of it are in the year 2013. What am I going to do with all of this? Share it! Take it to church, take it to the homeless shelter, give it to the neighborhood kids, just share it. Becky had a fabulous idea for the candy canes, hot glue them together and make a heart shape, and use them for Valentines day! I have finally experienced the ultimate fantasy- more candy than I can even count! Without a doubt, Becky is the most thoughtful, the sweetest and the most loving of daughters! She always is thinking of others, and she knew that we could really put this yummy haul to the best of use. Oh, by the way, I made a haul on Christmas candles, (I love the smell of cinnamon, bayberry, and pine all year long),60 lovely large Christmas glasses,45 drinking bottles in all colors, (will use them for Easter) some Christmas bows, Christmas socks, and over 100 cookie boxes to use for next year when I make the Christmas cookies. My cart was full and I spent a whopping 19.00, oh, I forgot the great big teddy bear too! Hallelujah! Now that's what I call a sale! I am happily exhausted, and am extremely grateful that Becky and Joe stacked all the candy neatly for me. I will have to go and look at it all again, it is too neat to believe! Anyone for a treat? I got plenty! I think Heavenly Father has a great sense of humor, giving me this blessing. I mean, he knows me so well. And he knows that I will share the bounty, because I can!

Finally Friday!

Martin went to work today, and thank goodness, no one harrassed him. On Friday's, he goes in in the morning, and comes home in the afternoon, instead of going in during the afternoon and coming home at night. We were not sure when he returned from winter break if he would still have a job, but another week has passed and he is still there! That has been the story for over a year now, as threats have been made to terminate him since he became ill and used all his sick leave. At first, I was sick with worry, and had no idea how we were going to get by. More than anything, we need his benefits, especially medical, for me and certainly now for him. Many tears have been shed in fear of the unknown future, but I should have known that Heavenly Father will have his way, and his way is to keep us going. Last January, my son Aaron, who holds the priesthood, gave me a blessing. It was quite beautiful, but the thing that stands out in my mind is" Mama, this trial will be long and difficult. It will not turn out the way you think, but it will be better. Have faith in Heavenly Father, and all will be well". Indeed, as soon as we arrived home from our trip to see Aaron and his family, another dear family came to check on us, knowing that we were very worried about Martin's job and health. When they left, the gave me a little "something" so that Martin and I could go out on Valentines Day, (a month in the future). That something was a 100 dollar bill. It was the start of many blessings to come, most of them not monetary, but essential for sure. I used that money to stock up canned goods and ot her food to prepare for the unknown. A year later, we are doing fine, still employed, and continuing to be able to have Martin with us. I am pretty sure that he will eventually be terminated, but I have thought so on numerous occasions this year. So, when I say Finally Friday, I mean it to mark another week that we will get paid. Friday's are wonderful too, because, as much as I love my grandkids, when they go home on Friday, I know that I can sleep in on Saturday and not have to get up to the tune of baby formula, toaster strudels and waiting outside for the bus. There is a little window of time, when I just flop in bed on Friday evening, and listen to the quiet. I can only stand a little bit of that, because soon, I begin to miss the noise.

On Fridays too, Martin brings surprises of produce. Today, when Martin came home, he had a bushel of navel oranges, those great big juicy without seeds kind, the kind that are super easy to peel, and when you take a bite of the peeled section, the juice runs down your chin. He works close to a huge farmers market, and when the oranges are in season, will bring home the occasional box to surprise me. I could eat them all, but I usually share them with friends and family because I want them to be a pleased as I am. He is so sweet to do stuff like that for me. In the summer, he brings cherries, squash, tomatoes, and whatever he knows I love. It is much cheaper at the market, so I feel good about the extra purchase. Sometimes it is strawberries, meaning that he wants strawberry shortcake. I can sure take a hint like that! Sometimes it is watermelon or cantaloup, big and juicy, and perfect served ice cold. I have to watch Martin, because if I am not on my toes, I can open the fridge to find a ripe, red, cold and juicy half of a watermelon with the very center carved out of it. The center is the sweetest part of the watermelon. In the south, we call that "eating the heart" of the watermelon. After 40 years, that stinker will still get to the heart if I am not watching. After all, I want to get the heart first! So, tonight, on Friday night, I am feeling quite content. Martin is wearing his nitro patch, and his arm has not hurt all day. He still has a job, he brought me some oranges, the kids don't come tomorrow, at least not at 7 in the morning, and I can wallow in bed as late as I like. Usually the plan is to get up on Saturday, go get some hot donuts, find a few garage sales, and then do whatever. Tomorrow is the funeral of my friend, so I will have to get ready for that. We are trying not to do the donut thing anymore, but that is a hard habit to break! Once again, it occurs to me that my life is wonderful in spite of everything. I am very thankful for much more than it just being Finally Friday!

We saw the cardiologist today, and I have such a feeling of peace. He is so kind, and is very concerned with our feelings. He gave Martin a patch to wear that will keep nitro in his system all the time, and the arm pain attacks should cease. We are scheduled to have the roto-blade surgery on Friday the 13 of all days, but I am not superstitious- well not very much. The doctor listened patiently as I expressed my fears, and then, took my hand in his and looking me in the eyes said, "Mrs. See, I will take care of Martin, he will be fine". I felt his sincerity, and for the first time since this started, I felt that Martin will be okay. We also had to talk to our attorney about allegations ( falso) made by Martin's employer, and that made me very nervous, but Gloomy Gussy is gone, and I just went on and talked to him. He also, is such a wonderful man, and to have someone with his knowlege and expertise helping us, is much more than I ever thought we could have. We got a letter from the other attorney that is helping us with our workers comp case, and we will have a hearing on January 10. Again, having this man helping us is such a comfort and relief, I just could not do it by myself, as I don't have the knowlege and I am very naive as well. One thing I have learned throughout this last year is that sometimes you just can't trust people. That really saddens me, because it is so much easier to not have to worry that someone is trying to be fraudulent. For now, I am just going to live each day as it happens.

We had such a nice family dinner tonight, it was so much fun to sit around and just talk and joke with each other. Better yet, Martin cooked! I just played with Little Joe and visited with Cheryl, martin's sister, who came to take care of Little Joe today while we went to the doctor. Her son David and his family came over for dinner, and it was so lovely. I am so very thankful to have a family and so many loved ones. It seems that so far the new year will be interesting and full of blessings.

I will go on Saturday to the funeral of my dear friend who passed away this week. Already, many of my old friends who I haven't seen in some time have called to make sure I will be there. Martin is going too, along with Becky, Little Joe, Joe, Sissy and maybe her boys. We are taking desserts to the meal. It will be good to see everyone, even if it is a sad occasion. Years pass, and life goes on,

Gloomy Gussy is gone!

A wonderful thing happened today! I got rid of Gloomy Gussy! Gloomy Gussy is the part of me that is always seeing the worst in everything, and always looking for the worst. I really don't like her, and now, I have decided to run her off. This afternoon, Martin had a meeting with the powers that be, and was told that he had to commit to going into his old classroom and they wanted the commitment TODAY! He told them that he was aware of their request, but would not commit to anything until he had spoken to his attorney. I have been upset since yesterday when he told me that there was going to be a meeting, and by this afternoon, my stomach was a wreck and my head was pounding. I didn't sleep last night, and today, I was tired and all out of sorts. Tomorrow we see the cardiologist, and today the attorney asked us to come in for a meeting the same time as the cardiology appointment. Little Joe has learned to throw a screaming temper fit, which by the way, he is excellent at, and everything was piling up on me. Nanamie came over to see the baby, and usually when she does, we go get dinner somewhere with Becky and Little Joe. I told them to go on without me, and boy did I get blasted! Nanamie said that she wanted to know why I always wanted to stay home when they were going out, and Becky told me it was rude for me to send them off like that. I told them my stomach hurt, and they told me that I didn't have to eat, just spend time with them, and Little Joe continued to scream at the top of his lungs. (Seems he has discovered that he can make lots of noise, and seems to enjoy doing so!) So, I went. For the entire time we were at the restaurant, I got a stern lecture about how I was letting things ruin my life. Becky said she didn't even know who I was anymore, because I was always so sad, and she missed my sunny personality, not to mention that I am going bald with worry! Nanamie really shamed me. She said that she could not understand how I, of all people, someone closer to Heavenly Father than anyone she had ever known, didn't have more faith in him. "Why are you so worried? You of all people know to trust the Man Upstairs!" she said. They both reminded me that the trials were here one way or another, and it is how I take them on that will define my happiness in life. I began to see myself through their eyes. I am stronger than the woman I have become. I can enjoy each day, no matter what is happening or coming my way. Best of all, I can sit back and appreciate how Heavenly Father will help me through all of this, and be amazed at the fact that he trusts me to do the right thing. It is not just for me either. I have lots of people who look at me to set the tone for these trials. By the time dinner was done, I had thrown off the shackles of dispair and fear, and come roaring into the light in joy and anticipation.

Martin will lose his job, but if that means he can be home and recuperate, then I am thankful. I can do this! As each blessing comes my way, I will gladly apply it to the appropriate situation, and know that I am not alone and can appreciate the way that Heavenly Father will orchestrate the outcome.

So, Gloomy Gussy is gone. I proudly proclaimed this to my son Aaron, and he said "are you sure Mama?" I said, "you bet I am!" He said, "what about when dad no longer has a job?" I said, "no problem, I am still not going to be depressed" He quietly said, "Mama, what about if the doctor says that they can't do any more for Daddy?" I told him that I refuse to give Gloomy Gussy any more power over my life. I will handle it. I may not want that to happen, but I am not going to suffer more because I cannot pull out of dispair. It would be hard enough just to have him leave me. Again, lots of people will be watching how I react during this time, and I am going to remember who I am and what I stand for. So, goodbye Gloomy Gussy! I will not miss you!