The hearing

Gosh, this has been some week!  Monday was the hearing for Martin's workers comp. It was a formal hearing, and Martin had to be sworn in. The hearing was to decide if the insurance company for Houston Community College had to finally (a year and a half later) be made to give Martin his worker's comp  benefits.  This has been such a mess, and so heart-rending, we have waited so long and the insurance company reps have been so ugly.  We won't know until May 10th if the judge found in our favor, but if she did, then we will have all of Martin's medications covered, his treatment and other expenses, in addition to reclaiming all the money (thousands) that we have spent for meds and co-pays since he got sick.
I think things went well in our favor, but you can never tell. Martin comes across as a  man of integrity, and it is apparent that he is not trying to scam anyone. We had all our records as well as a wonderful attorney, and since I have done all I can to follow the commandments and do the best I can to be honest, well, it is all in Heavenly Father's hands now.
I have to tell you of some of the incidents of the hearing.  For one, the two representatives from HCC actually FELL ASLEEP during the hearing!  When Martin was testifying, he was a bit distracted by the sight of those two women just nodding off and being completely unaware of what was going on.
When the hearing was over, the judge told us it would be within ten days to get a decision, and according to Texas law, if we wanted to appeal, we could. She then said, "I hope it doesn't come to that, I don't want to have to sit through another hearing watching you ladies. Perhaps I bored you, or maybe you thought I was speaking Greek!  One of the ladies stuttered, "Oh no, you were very clear!"
The insurance co. attorney tried his best to discredit Martin, tried to make him sound like a liar, a cheat and a scam artist, but he couldn't. Martin calmly answered each question and came across quite honestly and confidently.
Also, two months ago, the insurance attorney asked for a two month extension so that he could get an expert witness.  Another delay.  When we got to the hearing this time, he had no expert witness, and when questioned by the judge as to where the witness was, he started in on a long rendition as to why he changed his mind about having one, and several other excuses. The judge sharply said, "so you have no witness? After this long delay?" The attorney again went into a speech, and finally our attorney said, "Look, we don't care about your expert witness, Let's get going with this!"  It was apparent that he had used the excuse for an expert witness just to buy some more time.
There is so much more to tell you, but I'll write in later blogs.
I am not worried. After the hearing, for the first time in well over a year, I slept the night through with no anxiety. In every trial or challenge in life, you come to the point where you realize that you have done all you can do, and the outcome will be what it will be. If we lose this decision, well, then we will get to see what Heavenly Father will do to help us.
Martin has continued to go to work. He doesn't do much,  but he does help out the other instructors in the shop when they ask him for advice.  His supervisor continues to dodge him, and has spoken only once to him since a week ago Monday. We have heard no word from Human Resources. We are just waiting, but the trip back and forth to work, (40 miles each way) and having to stay there for the eight hours is really wearing on Martin.  He is noticecibly tired and his breathing is worse.  He will be able to start summer break in one week, and since we have made it through the year somehow, he will get summer pay. This means we will be safe at least until the middle of August. 
I insist that Martin spend the summer fishing, and taking it easy. I think being away from all this difficulty will help him so much.  I have to say that Heavenly Father  has certainly come through for us, we were supposed to get fired a year ago last January!  The co-pays and medications for Martin are really hard on us, but our food storage has been such a blessing. Not having to shop, and when I do only having to get a few things has been life saving.
We are so blessed, and I am thankful that I have been able to get through this situation so far. I love a challenge, but when you think you can face difficulties, you better be ready to do so.  I don't for even a second think that I can ever be off my guard, and I know that the future is uncertain. But, due to this experience, including Martin's heart scare, his respiratory illness, my stroke, loss of income and crushing responsibilities, I have learned that I can make it with Heavenly Father's care and guidence. Besides, the blessings are exponentially better than the trials are bad. I only have to look at Little  Joe and see his loving trust to know that he was sent here when we  needed him most. When I am in the presence of the other little ones, there sweet hearts, loving humor and unconditional love lift me up. Just being able to lay next to Martin each night, seeing him breath and knowing he is still alive is a miracle I thought would be denied to me last December. Having the rest of my family and friends near and available gives me a sense of comfort,knowing I am not alone and will always have help when I need it. Most of all, knowing that the Gospel is true and that life is eternal gives me peace. So, come what may, it will be allright.

Come What May

Gosh, I can't believe I have been so lax in writing.  Martin finished out the week at work, and the Workers comp hearing is monday.  We are kind of in limbo, but, I had an epiphany. For 20 years, martin has worked at the college, and we have lived in relative comfort, not withstanding a few tragedies in those years.  We have become complacent in our comfort, and it is terrifying to think of being disloged from a comfy perch.  While we lived in our hibernation free of financial worries, the world went on turning, and was able to touch the untouchable. When the economy began to get difficult, I felt sympathy for those affected, while feeling protected by Martin's job security. When the unimaginable blessing came to us that allowed us to pay off our house, I gave hearty thanks and truly believed that we could not find ourselves in dire straits ever again.  The thought of losing that security has plagued me for almost 2 years-but we have not yet found ourselves destitute. I faced the loss of my precious companion a few months ago, due to severe heart disease, but he made it and so did I.
When I think of losing the comfort of Martin's income and the security of the insurance provided, I feel a sense of rage because this is from no fault of our own.
I now know where that rage is coming from.  It is from a sense of "unfairness" that we have been subjected to this situation. 
The epiphany I have come to is this:
Life changes. Nothing is untouchable. We are all human and subject to the trials of humanity.
The thought came to me that if an Olympic runner found herself on the verge of earning Olympic gold, and she were involved in an accident that was no fault of her own, and due to this accident she  lost her legs, I suppose that she would think her life was over.
Most of us would. But, there is an entire universe out there for her, that perhaps she would never have been able to discover if her  life had not changed.
There is an entire universe out there for me too. I have been blessed in all the experiences of my life, and given, my life is on the downside of the aging process, but there is so much more out there for me, and for Martin.  Just because we can't see around the corner, doesn't mean the most precious of prizes is not there.
I don't know what is going to happen for us. I do know that I have garnered some huge blessings from the worry that these past two years have brought. 
One is, that I will never take anything for granted again. I will save, and prepare for the unknown.  Two years ago in June, I awoke to a strong urge to see about my food storage. I mentally brushed it off, because in all the almost 40 years of marriage, I have had a food storage, never used it, and finally lost it all to a hurricane. The thought persisted. I acted. I now have a food storage that will see us at least a year down the road.
Two, I have learned that ANYTHING can happen and probably will. I am not above the experiences of life. One day, Martin and I will be separated for awhile in this eternal experience, and because I have been able to help him so much, I am  much better prepared to face life alone on the earth without him.
Three, I have learned that the greatest  joy comes from the simplest source. Worldly possessions mock me when I think of the money I have spent in pursuit of self-indulgence. I cannot find joy in those possessions, but I find tremendous joy in the simple pleasure of being with my  loving family and friends each day, collecting happy memories from each experience with them. Sitting in the sun, reading to my grandchildren, teaching my Primary class, having the trust of my friends, conversations that bring comfort, and the sure knowlege that my Heavenly Father and Loving Savior are  never away from me and know my every need, these are the experiences  that cost me nothing. These are the sources of the greatest joy.
Four, I have learned through extreme sadness and personal tragedy that nothing lasts forever, and from such experiences, you take away the blessings of having learned who you are, who you can be, and how you have grown, able to face yet other trials with confidence. When trials come, they are more easily born because I know that I have faced things in the past, and sucessfully triumphed.  Successful triumph comes from allowing yourself to let go and understand that although the trials may seem personal, there is a whole family involved, and you have to rely on the tools of prayer, faith and love to see you through. You do not get to set the terms, but you do get to decide how you will face the trial. Past trials are essential in allowing you to have strength for future trials.
So, come what may. I am at peace. The future awaits, nothing is fair, and we are all subject to human experiences. I must do all I can to never bring on a trial of my own making because I chose to make a wrong decision, but that aside, trials that will come will be met with calm strength and determination to continue to be the person that I have grown to be.

Still Working

The Gentle Giant went to work AGAIN today!  His supervisor left before he got there, so all Martin did was help around in the shop and bide his time. The students were glad to see him, but he had a really hard time with fatigue and breathing. We don't know what is going to happen now. If we can hang on, there are only 2  more weeks of school left, and he will have the summer off.  If we are successful in getting workers comp, it won't matter anyway. I have finally gotten to the point of acceptance. I accept the fact that although we may not have the good income we are used to, we will still be okay, and it will be a new facet in our lives. Things do change, and that is why you must be prepared for anything. I certainly never thought that we would be in this position, but we are and now we must make the best of it. By the way, that organism that got in Martin's lungs is NOT tuberculosis, and although it is very serious, it is dormant and at this time, we need take no action. There is no evidence of damage on X-ray film, so our doctor is pleased that we don't have to address this issue right now.
Little  Joe is clinging to me. He is feeling better, but he only wants to be in my arms, or his daddy's, mommie's or PaPa's. I hope to fix this, as he is getting to be a healthly little chunk, and he wants to jump and bounce when you hold him.  He screams if we put him in the playpen, but if I ignore him for a moment or two, he notices his toys and begins to entertain himself.  Problem is that if he sees me, he goes off again. It will get better, I mean really, haven't I already done this multiple times? I am so grateful for this blog, it helps me put things into perspective. I was thinking that when I blogged about Bobbie Jo, I only got to enter 72 entries before she died. I am well over 120 on this one since Martin got sick, and that in itself is such a blessing. I hope to have many, many more entries on his behalf. There is so much life to live!

One more day with a sick baby, but things are looking up, and he seems to be feeling better. My left arm and shoulder are numb for having to hold him so much, but I don't mind. He trusts us so much to take care of him, and he cannot tell us what is wrong, so I will do whatever I can to ease his pain.  Besides, I got to watch 5 episodes of Law and Order SVU because I had to sit and hold Little Joe all day.  I forgot how much I love that show.  Little Joe did fall asleep for awhile and I put him down and ran to the kitchen, opened a can of tuna, a can of mushroom soup, mixed it together and put it on some bread.  Sounds horrible, I know, but it really is good, not to mention quick. I was starving, and just about anything would have been good.
Martin went to take a respiratory evaluation that the school set up for him and he failed hugely. The doctor couldn't even believe that he is still working, and told him that he  needs to retire or something. Martin isn't going to retire or even quit, he is not going to give the college a let-off like that.  He came in tonight, wheezing and dragging, just miserable, but he made it another day.  He is like a badger, when he believes in something, he will not give up.  I am just sitting back, and watching the scenario as it unfolds. 
Monday is the day we go for a final decision on Workers Comp. We have been at this for well over a year, continually being denied or the insurance company asking to set the hearing back.  Our attorney says that he thinks that we will finally win- how wonderful that would be, as we would get an income and Martin's health care too.  I put it all in Heavenly Father's hands.
A hummingbird flew up to the window today. I haven't seen a hummingbird in so long, and it was so pretty. I am going to get a hummingbird feeder tomorrow and see if I can lure some more.
Well, more tomorrow, I will just write as it come to me.

My eyes are opening!

The Gentle Giant returned to work today. There are problems- too many to mention here, but I think that in the near future, I will be writing about his termination at last. It has been a hectic day anyway, as poor Little Joe has been sick. Every time I tried to put him down, he would scream at the top of his lungs. This is such unusual behavior for him, and I finally told becky that he needed to go to the doctor. He wouldn't even take his bottle very well, and refused to eat any food at all. We did get him in and he has a severe ear infection. I started crying when they told us that because all I could think of was that he has been in pain and couldn't tell us.
I really need your prayers. I need to be more confident in myself while facing these current trials. I don't know why it is affecting me so much, like I have said before, I have always been able to stand up to problems, and not let my nerves get to me. But this time, I can't seem to help it. Seeing Martin struggle so much really hurts me, I love him so much, and can't seem to help him get better. Knowing that he has been so mistreated at work hurts me too- I can't stand to see these people treat him as though he were just an aggravation instead of a valued employee of 20 years.
To tell the truth, I find it hard to have to handle everything in the house! I sometimes want to tell Martin to get up and help me, but I must get used to a life where I am the caretaker. For so many years, I have been the one that needed caretaking, and I have always appreciated it, but now the table has turned, and I see how much is needed to take care of everything.
Just filling the birdfeeders and the squirrel feeders is a chore. Martin has always done that for me, and I would just sit and watch the birds and squirrels through the window. I never appreciated his efforts on my behalf. Taking out the trash is something else that I have to get used to, the trash can is forever full! When Martin did it, the can stayed pretty much empty.
Maybe I am just getting old. Maybe that is why it is so much more difficult for me than it was 23 years ago when Martin was out of work. Maybe that is why my nerves are so fragile. What ever the reason, I have to get a grip and quit letting stress and anxiety affect me so much. I don't mean to whine, but writing this stuff down gives me focus on how I have been acting. By the way, I did fill the birdfeeders, and those flying pigs seem to really appreciate it. I didn't realize how much birdfeed they ate, I know that the feeders will be near empty in less than two days.. When Martin did it, they just always stayed full-I hope I can keep up the pace!

Pet the sweaty stuff!

Tomorrow Martin returns to work. They told him if he did not come in tomorrow, he would be fired. He is going and is going to try to be compliant, but he will not endanger himself. I remember years ago when Martin was out of work, that I did not react the way I am now. Then, every day was a new challenge, and I met it head on. That lasted for 2 years, and yet we got by and even prospered. It will be the same now if he does lose his job. I think I have just become too comfortable with a pampered lifestyle, and don't want to have to think about finances. More than that, I don't want to think about the future without health insurance. I do believe that in future posts, you will see me writing about the relief and immense blessings we received, and how amazed I am at how it turned out.
All is well. All will be well. Life will be exciting and full of blessings. I have a favorite saying:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff! See? I feel better already!

BooHoo

Today I let go and fell apart. I try so hard to remain positive, sunny, confident and have strong faith, but today, I fell apart. Yesterday we got notice that they are going to start termination proceedings again. The demand is that Martin go to work in rooms that made his sick in the first place- they insist that a mask will protect him- and if he doesn't show up on Monday ready to work, they are going to terminate him. There is no regard for accomodation under the ADAA, and unless something happens in our favor, he will be out of work.
This is not news to me. I have been dealing with this for almost a year and a half. Every time it gets desperate, something happens to stave them off, and we are protected from unemployment. I know that Martin cannot work in that environment. Even now, he is much worse than even 6 months ago, and it seems the illness he contracted at work is progressive. Even the surgery planned for June will have to be put off due to the bacteria that has gotten into his damaged lungs. We are due for a contested case hearing for workers comp on May 30- if he finally gets workers comp, we will be covered for his pay and medical care. If not, we struggle on, and somehow Heavenly Father will keep us going.
Why did I fall apart today? I don't know. The thought of being out of work with no insurance terrifies me, and yet, I know that we will be taken care of. Jessica came over to find me sobbing with Little Joe in my arms, rocking him and just bawling my eyes out. She got stern and told me to knock it off, after all she knew I am a woman of faith, so why the hysterics. I explained to her of my fears of unemployment, and she talked to me about it. She said she knew that we havd saved some money, and that made me cry harder, as every extra cent we get goes for co-pays for Martin's medication. On top of everything else, I feel guilty that I am not better with a budget. She pointed out that I have a fabulous food storage, and she is right about that. She also said that at some point, I need to swallow my pride and let the Church help. Now the tears were running down my face, onto my chest and onto the quilt. You must know that this was purely a pity party on my behalf. The more I listed my problems, the more I cried. What a baby I can be sometimes. During this conversation, Eli came into the room and heard me talking about not being able to make it without Martin's income. He came over and hugged me and then, with a bright look in his eyes said, "I know Nana. I will get some paper and make signs and put them out all over Seabrook and they will say that you will bake bread and everyone will call you and you will have lots of money!" That simple faith and reasoning dried my tears right up. I hugged him and told him that was a great idea! Sissy smiled. She then took Little Joe with her and I had time to myself. I did some praying, and began to realize the effort the adversary is making to ruin our lives. I cast the adversary away from me in Jesus name, and I felt the air clear and began to once again feel strength and calm.
Whatever happens will happen, and if we do all we can to be righteous, it will happen in our favor.
At this time, as in the past 18 months, we find ourselves with a very ill Martin and the difficulties of our income. I would say that we are facing uncertainites, but that is not true. I am CERTAIN that we will be cared for, strengthened and surprised at the magnitude of the blessings coming our way. It was only a year ago right now that I had a stroke. I am fine now, but if I let things get out of hand once again, I could possible find myself in that situation again. I decide how I will react to our difficulties, and my decision is to recognize the efforts of the adversary and negate his desires to ruin our family. I will be at peace, and let him roar, knowing that if God is with me, who can be against me? Right now, the storm is raging all around us, but we are safe and calm in the arms of Heavenly Father. It will always be so.